'I'm too scared of predators to date as a single mum'

"I’d never put myself in that position where my judgement could be manipulated by someone. And the number one way to avoid that is by not having anyone our home in the first place."

I’ve been single for a long time, and am hassled about it constantly. But there’s a very specific reason why, and I’ve never admitted it to anyone.

“You’re a catch, you’re too young to be alone,” is the kind of thing I’m always told by well-meaning people.

Not sure that age has anything to do with it, but yes, I agree I’m a catch, thanks very much.

I’ve actually dated a lot; people assume just because it’s not happening on Facebook like a teenager, it’s not happening at all. But the reason why no man has ever stayed the night at my house: because of my son. And Oprah.

You see, I became single when he was three, and he’s now almost 13. Years ago, I watched an Oprah episode where she discussed how predators often groom both parents and kids. Predators, in the form of sports coaches and music tutors… and boyfriends. Men who look for vulnerable families.

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In the episode, a young man confronts his mother for staying with a man who abused him. In fact, years later, she is still with him. I judged her; harshly. She deserved my anger. Was she really that desperate to not be single that she would not support her son? He couldn’t understand it either, and was absolutely devastated.

People are so caught up in this re-partnering after divorce BS and pressure; I couldn’t believe this woman had chosen status over her son. I swore that would never be me. I’d never put myself in that position where my judgment could be manipulated by someone. And the number one way to avoid that was by not having anyone our home in the first place. Yes, of course, my kid would be as vulnerable as the next child out of my house. But within our home, I could be in control of that. And I would not have his safety on my conscience.

She won't risk a man abusing her child in her home. Image: IStock.

Predators can seem 'nice'

If you think this is a case of me not trusting my judgment, you’re right. The thing is, none of us can ever really know who is a predator. They appear in the shape of old creepy men, but they can also hide as ‘nice’ guys from ‘good’ families whose fathers are important or who live in the posh suburbs of whatever city.

Those types of predators are the most dangerous because being privileged and male, they know society will generally trust them. So they get away with things for a long time. It would be negligent of me to put my son at risk.

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I can't bear that thought

What, if after months of dating, and staying the night, I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security…and while I’m asleep, my partner goes to my son’s room? No. No. No. I can’t bear the thought. If this means I have to sacrifice a relationship until my son is older, then that's the price I'm willing to pay. It's my job to do that.

Yes, this means I’ve stopped relationships from becoming too intimate. No, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had sex. I have. As an adult, away from my son, not in our home. My judgement will of course seem unfair to many readers. I’m certainly not saying that all men are predators; I’m just saying that enough turn out to be, for me to avoid having a relationship until my son is much, much older.

As for all the single mums out there who’ve given men a go and welcomed them into their homes, I cast no judgment. Good on you, sister. There are many good men out there. I’m just not willing to take the risk right now to find out which ones are and which ones aren’t.

This article was originally published in 2020 and was updated in April 2024. 

Originally published as 'I'm too scared of predators to date as a single mum'