My partner said I 'smelled down there' when I was in labour

"I wasn't angry at him, I was humiliated," a Sydney mum has shared with Kidspot.

It has taken me a long time to be able to talk about this or share the experience. In fact, for over six years I have kept it to myself because I was so humiliated. I was humiliated not only because of the words that were said to me but because they were said by the person that I trusted the most in the entire world and whom I loved so dearly my (now ex) partner, *Todd.

Let me paint the scene. We were in the labour ward, I was many hours into the long, arduous and painful experience of giving birth to my first child vaginally. Todd was by my side. As the pushing process began, the midwife told Todd that if he wanted to see the birth, to move into position toward the end of the bed. He dutifully followed the instructions, eager to see.

After being in position for about a minute, or at least that is what it felt like at the time, I saw Todd take a few steps back and pull his t-shirt up, so it covered his nose.

Between the urges to push, I looked up at him confused and when he caught my eye, he just looked at me and said one sentence that left me equally dumbfounded and humiliated.

“You smell down there. It’s a mess down there, it just smells so gross,” he said.

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"I wasn't angry at him, I was humiliated"

After a few more minutes, now standing a few metres away, he turned up his face even more and told me he had to get some fresh air and then left the room. Yes, he left the delivery room when the birth of our child was only moments away because he couldn’t stand the smell.

I delivered our son about fifteen minutes later. The only people with me were the hospital staff and Todd only returned after ‘the mess’ had been cleaned up and the ‘smell’ was gone.

Now, I get that giving birth is messy. I also know that I like many other women expelled fluids and defecated during this process, and that this is completely normal and while I didn’t expect that it would smell like a bunch of roses, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be shamed for how a natural process smelt by my partner, the very man who was meant to support me.

But at the time, it wasn’t even anger towards him that I felt, it was utter humiliation. His words which were also heard by others in the room made me feel as if I was disgusting, they made me feel as if I should be embarrassed, and that I’d somehow done something regrettable. Because it was my first time giving birth, everything was new and I was incredibly insecure.

Instead of being overjoyed by the safe arrival of our little boy, I was ashamed of myself, I too, thought how disgusting I must be for letting this happen. 

I didn’t bring up what Todd said with him after the birth, I just wanted the memory to disappear, for my own sake and because I didn’t want my partner thinking of me in this ‘smelly’ way either. I hoped that I would be viewed by Todd as I had before this and that he wouldn’t be turned off by the experience.

Image: iStock

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"We split up a year later"

Looking back on it now though, in hindsight, I know that I should have reprimanded him for this disgusting comment and that I should never have felt as if I needed to remain composed, smelling sweet and looking good while giving birth to a baby.

I also know that the fact that I even thought I had to be a certain way or have him view me in a certain way wasn’t a sign of a healthy relationship, but this was hard to see while I was in the throes of it, especially in labour and post-delivery when there is so much else happening.

Todd and I split up a year or so later. Not because of what had happened that day but for other, equally abhorrent reasons, all of which showcased how much of a jerk he was, something which I should have realised at that moment at the hospital.

Originally published as My partner said I 'smelled down there' when I was in labour