I'm a Jewish mother and I'm terrified for my children

COMMENT: When I put my children to bed, I hugged them for a little longer, knowing there were mothers and fathers on the other side of the world who couldn’t or wouldn’t ever again. 

A personal story from Jewish mother living in Sydney. Source: iStock

When the first images came through of the terror attack in Israel, my initial thoughts were of my sister-in-law and nephews in Tel Aviv. A quick message to check in, and a sigh of relief when I knew they were ok. But that relief only lasted a few moments, as the situation quickly became worse and more gruesome by the hour.

Seeing children the same age as my own children being separated from their parents, carted away to be held hostage. As hard as I tried to, I couldn’t help but picture my own little ones - how utterly terrified they would be in that moment - and those parents knowing their children may never come home again. 

The rest of the weekend was a blur, my husband and I continued to parent, careful not to show our kids the worry and heartbreak that was behind our fake smiles. But every time I looked through my stories, more and more devastation surfaced. And it wasn't long before I simply couldn't conjure up that fake smile any longer. 

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Members of the Australian Jewish community hold a vigil in Sydney on October 11. Picture: David Gray / AFP

When I put my children to bed, I hugged them for a little longer, knowing there were mothers and fathers on the other side of the world who couldn’t or wouldn’t ever again. 

The tears came, and as the days went on, my tears just sat at the surface. I could barely hold it together. Growing up in Australia, I have never been scared to be Jewish. Until now.

As I watched families who shared how they had lost loved ones, over and over again, my heart broke. As I watched throughout the night, seeing the horrors that unfolded, as a mother, you cannot understand how this could happen in today’s world. One which my children are a part of.

The fear was written on all parents' faces

My panic grew as I started to realise that the next day my kids would be going to school, a Jewish school, just as a war in Israel was declared. We were reassured that the school had taken the necessary safety precautions and for our children's sake it would be business as usual.

I went to the same school as my children, which has always had security. I never had any fear wearing my uniform or walking in the school gates as a child myself. But right now, as a woman in her 30s and a mother-of-three, I was completely terrified. And I wasn’t the only one. 

For the first day of term, school drop-off was more sombre than usual. How I was feeling was reflected back to me on the faces of the other parents. Mothers and fathers visibly shaken as they dropped off their children. We all had the same question, “Should I be taking my kids to school today?”

As I drove away from the school, I realised the impact of intergenerational trauma from the Holocaust. From a young age, I knew what my grandparents experienced, the hate and evil they witnessed – their one wish was that their children and grandchildren would never see such atrocities. Sadly, that wish died over the weekend. I called my mum and said that while I missed them terribly, I was glad they weren't alive to see this.

RELATED: Elite Sydney school apologises over anti-Semitic chants

The death toll from five days of ferocious fighting between Hamas and Israel rose sharply overnight as Israel kept up its bombardment of Gaza. Picture: David Gray / AFP

I was grateful for friends checking in

I went to work, but my head wasn’t there. I continued scrolling on social media, with the news on in the background. Unable to turn away from the horrid footage, I knew I could never unsee. But not watching wasn't an option either - I felt like I was abandoning these families that were being torn apart. My colleagues and non-Jewish friends checked in and brought some comfort.

How could I keep my kids safe from what they would see happening in the world right now? At home, we have kept the outside world on the outside, and we are always conscious of the conversations we have. Our kids know that there is a war, people were hurt but their cousins are safe.

Police provide security as members of the Australian Jewish community hold a vigil in Sydney. Picture: David Gray / AFP

This was an act straight from the depths of hell

This isn’t about politics, this isn’t about religion, this isn't about land - this was an act straight from the depths of hell. You can’t not be distraught when you learn that Hamas attackers targeted a childcare centre. We now know the horrific fate of 40 babies and thousands more.

I always knew there was an undercurrent of anti-Semitism in the world, I grew up with armed guards at school and there was always security and metal detectors at my synagogue. Even with all of that, I was never scared, I never hid my Jewish identity. Until this week, seeing the scenes on the forecourt of the Opera House. 

Watching people chant ‘gas the Jews’ and ‘death to Jews’ in a city and country that I love and appreciate so much for being multicultural and safe was truly horrifying. We spoke to our kids the next morning because we were unable to hide how sad we were. We told them there are people who don’t like Jews, but we will keep them safe. We told them they were safe at school and if they had any questions or hear anything to come to us first.

As a mother, I can’t stand by and be silent, because my fear is real, my sadness for those lives lost, the pain and the suffering that will unfold in the weeks and months to come, it's real. For my kids, I want them to live in a world of peace – I wish this wasn’t too much to ask for.

Originally published as I'm a Jewish mother and I'm terrified for my children