‘Am I still single because I have sex on the first date?’

When a couple first have sex is thought to signal how long they’ll last. Now, a sexologist has revealed when is the right time to sleep together.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains ‘attachment style’ and why outdated theories on dating and sex are not universal.

QUESTION: I’m a 29-year-old woman and I’ve been dating for most of my 20s in the hope of finding a husband to have a family with. I use the usual dating apps and try to date men who are looking for something serious. If I feel a connection, I have no issue having sex with a guy on the first or second date. However, my friend says that the reason I’m not finding a husband is because I’m too sexually available – she says I need to “keep the men wanting more” and not sleep with them until at least 10 dates in. Surely this is an old-fashioned way of thinking? It’s 2024 after all!

ANSWER: I have to say that I agree with you on this. Your friend has a fairly narrow and simplified view of what creates lasting relationships and research doesn’t support her theory. Some people would definitely consider this view old-fashioned and probably misogynistic.

‘My friend says I must not sleep with them until at least 10 dates in.” Picture: iStock

Successful relationships can begin in a range of ways

I know plenty of couples who had sex on the first or second date and went on to have healthy, happy relationships. I also know couples who started out with something casual together and found that their connection evolved slowly into something deeper.

Look for someone aligned with your values

It’s important that we end up with someone who has the same values as we do.

It sounds like your friend has particular values about sex and relationships and has probably found herself in a relationship that reflects those values and beliefs. That kind of relationship dynamic probably wouldn’t be right for you.

It can take time to find the person who’s right for you. Picture: iStock

Research doesn’t support your friend’s theory

As far as research is concerned, there’s very little that supports your friend’s anecdotal claims.

For the record, there have been some studies that show that couples who wait until they’re married to have sex have higher relationship satisfaction. But, and I cannot stress this enough, these studies have been limited and criticised for conservative bias and shouldn’t be extrapolated as universal.

Finding the right relationship can take time

Dating can be challenging and it can take time to find the person who’s right for you. That doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong or that there’s something wrong with your approach.

There might not be any reason at all that you haven’t found the right person yet.

There might not be any reason at all that you haven’t found the right person. Picture: iStock

There might be patterns for you to explore

If you are concerned about not having found the right person yet or notice unhelpful patterns in the men you’re dating, I can offer some things to consider.

If you don’t already know, learning about your attachment style can be incredibly helpful.

Attachment styles entered pop psychology in a big way over the last couple of years. But, there’s real, credible research behind them. Attachment style is like a blueprint for how we show up in relationships.

Knowing our attachment style can help us understand our needs in a relationship, any maladaptive coping strategies that might show up and our conflict style.

Understanding your attachment style can help you understand all of your relationships and help you find a partner that’s a harmonious match for you.

There are a number of freely available quizzes online to help you understand what your attachment style is, including this one here.

Knowing our Attachment Style can help us understand our needs in a relationship. Picture: iStock

If you were showing up to me in therapy, I would also have a few other questions that might be helpful to consider:

• Are there any patterns you notice in terms of who you’re attracted to?

• Are there any patterns in the reasons your relationships end?

• Do you get your hopes up for a future together too soon?

• Do you feel disappointed if the relationship doesn’t progress after you’ve slept together?

You might feel okay about all of this. And that’s okay. If any of it raises questions or concerns, it might be helpful to reach out to the therapist. While friends often have the very best of intentions, therapists can offer an unbiased view based on research along with practical tools to help.

Do you feel disappointed if the relationship doesn’t progress after you’ve slept together? Picture: iStock

Most importantly, trust yourself

What I really want to say is that you can trust your own judgement on what works for you and what doesn’t in a relationship.

Thank your friend for her care for you, reach out to a qualified therapist if you feel the need, but trust yourself and make the decisions that feel right for you.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]

Originally published as ‘Am I still single because I have sex on the first date?’