Why educated men are struggling to date after divorce – and hiring sexologists

Men emerging from long-term relationships are turning to dating coaches and sexologists in droves. And the experts say there’s a very modern reason why they are finding it so tough.

When Simon’s 20-year marriage came to an end, the dad-of-two felt anxious about launching himself back into the dating scene.

“I was nervous and overwhelmed because I hadn’t been on it for such a long time, “ says the 54-year-old Adelaide account manager, who separated from his wife about 10 years ago.

“Striking up a conversation and talking to women who know what they want was nerve-racking. They also have fairly decent sexual appetites.

“I realised my confidence was lacking. At the end, I was in a sexless marriage and I needed a bit of help in that space.”

The father of two adult children – who sought help from Adelaide sexologist and relationships coach Wala Truscott – is not alone.

Many mature-aged men in their 40s and 50s are struggling to meet potential partners, according to Ms Truscott, who has been inundated with men struggling to date modern women.

“They’re unpractised sexually, they’re unpractised with flirting, unpractised with this whole world of dating and all of a sudden they’ve got to show up like as some sort of King Kong,” says Ms Truscott, who Simon describes as a “God-send” in helping him navigate the dating scene.

“They’re petrified, they can’t do anything right.”

Sydney dating coach Samantha Jayne says she has a long list of mature-aged men with “no idea” how to approach modern women seeking her help.

She says the men have emerged from long-term relationships and are “completely and utterly lost” about navigating online apps and approaching confident, career-driven women.

Sex therapist Wala Truscott. Picture: Ben Clark

Sexologist Wala Truscott says many men are unpractised sexually, they’re unpractised with flirting, unpractised with this whole world of dating.

“They’re nervous, they’re lacking that confidence because they’ve been so out of practise after 20, 30 years of marriage and they’ve lost their touch,” says Ms Jayne, who helps her clients date and develop new relationships.

“Men have no idea how to text, they have no idea how to flirt. They don’t know where to start.

“They might put themselves online but then they don’t what to do after that. They have a massive fear of rejection and all of that just gets bigger and bigger.”

Ms Jayne says the difficulties men were facing were a “sign of the times”.

Modern women are expecting more from men than what traditional relationships have offered.

“Back in the day, women were very reliant and dependent on men, particularly for income. There was a clear role of masculine and feminine energy. You know, men would bring over the bacon. Women would look after the home, be the homemakers,” Ms Jayne says.

“And now a lot of women are just not needing that. Their standards are a lot higher.”

Ms Truscott says she feels “sorry” for honest men with good intentions who are being thwarted by “players” and married cheaters using dating apps to play the field.

“It’s 100 per cent men making it hard for other men because they treat women poorly. And when women get treated poorly, we hark up and we become sceptical, we turn into Sherlock Holmes and we turn into an interrogator because we’ve been played before,” she says.

“Men have this position that women are hard to date, they’re not getting a look in. You’re not getting a look in because 60 per cent of men are wasting women’s time.

“The good guy usually comes across as boring because the other guys are treating it as entertainment and they’ve got nothing to lose. They’ve got the with-you, without-you energy, which is what women really like. And a good guy doesn’t have that because he cares.”

“I say to people ‘you need to look at the guy who’s a little bit boring because he’s actually stable and he’s not playing with your emotions.”

Relationship expert Samantha Jayne. Picture: Tara Croser.

Ms Truscott says the culture and language of dating needs to change.

“As women, we need to start looking for green flags. We look for the red ones and we’re looking for an excuse not to get with someone but we need to start looking for reasons to investigate them and understand them and become curious,” she says.

“He might not be coming across as confident as what he normally is, but he’s seriously petrified. If you never give him a second date, how the hell is he ever going to relax. Why is he not allowed to be nervous on a first date?

“How many people say ‘where are all the good men?’. They’re usually in your friend zone – have a look there.”

Originally published as Why educated men are struggling to date after divorce – and hiring sexologists