Important conversation 1 in 2 Aussies ‘don’t know’ how to have

Half of our population is suffering in silence – admitting they “don’t know” how to have what could be one of the most important conversations of their life.

More than half of our population is suffering in silence – admitting they “don’t know” how to have what could be one of the most important conversations of their life.

Research by News Corp’s Growth Distillery with Medibank found 51 per cent of participants have wanted to reach out to discuss their mental wellbeing but didn’t, while one in four admitted it wasn’t a conversation they were comfortable taking part in at all. Young Australians were significantly more likely to feel this way – 67 per cent of Gen Z and 62 per cent of Millennials.

“The people in our world won’t always tell us they need support. This is particularly true for young people,” R U OK? CEO Katherine Newton said, citing a recent survey that found Australians grapple with high levels of distress and emerging mental health issues for up to a decade before asking for help.

Australia is in the grips of a mental health crisis, and people are struggling to know who to turn to, especially our younger generations. Can We Talk? is a News Corp awareness campaign, in partnership with Medibank, equipping Aussies with the skills needed to have the most important conversation of their life.

The decision to confide in someone – be it a loved one, colleague or medical professional – is a “deeply personal” one, Black Dog Institute clinical psychologist and researcher, Professor Jill Newby said, and can be influenced by everything from internalised stigma surrounding mental health and religious and cultural beliefs to psychological safety and culture in the workplace.

“They might not want to burden others, they might not be ready to admit they are struggling, they may not trust others, they might feel ashamed, they might be worried about the consequences – including fearing they might be judged, rejected or misunderstood,” Prof Newby said.

“In the workplace, they might be worried about being fired or being seen as different – without being penalised or held back from opportunities.”

At the same time, the ease of accessing quality mental health care from professionals, clinical psychologist Amanda Gordon said, has only become more difficult – in no small part due to the often prohibitive price tag attached, and how many hoops a person must jump through to secure an appointment.

“We really worry that it’s too expensive – having to go through a GP and then get a referral to someone else, and access (to that professional) during a time that you’re available,” Ms Gordon said.

“You might be working really hard just to survive – because money’s tight, and so you have to go to work – but your mental health professional (might) only be available during (your) work hours. How’re you meant to get there?”

These challenges are only exacerbated for Australians in marginalised communities.

“It is important to acknowledge that young people from different cultural backgrounds may encounter more barriers in accessing support, including systems that may not feel inclusive or culturally responsive,” headspace manager of clinical advice and government Caroline Thain said.

‘No one is perfect at having these conversations, so don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t go to plan.’ Picture: NewsWire/Gaye Gerard

‘People don’t know how to respond’

More than one in three respondents (37 per cent) who reached out to someone to discuss their mental health or wellbeing received an unhelpful or negative response. For Gen Z, this increased to one in two (50 per cent) and for millennials, almost half (47 per cent) had had such an experience.

These statistics don’t come as a surprise, Ms Gordon said, “Because we are not trained to do it, people often don’t know how to respond. Unless it’s your dearest friend or someone who themselves has been suffering, sometimes it’s very hard to know what to say.”

Roughly one in three Gen Zers (31 per cent) said they felt unprepared when approached by someone wanting to discuss their mental health, compared to Gen X (24 per cent) and baby boomers (13 per cent) – showing higher confidence or perhaps less frequent engagement in such discussions among older age groups.

“We make it a bit scary for people by saying you should be able to talk about these things, without giving anyone any practice. We have days like R U OK? Day, where we say, ‘All you have to do is say, Are you OK?’” Ms Gordon said.

“But that doesn’t give you any idea about what to say when the person says, ‘No, actually, I’m not feeling very good’.”

R U OK? chief executive Katherine Newton. Picture: Supplied

headspace manager of clinical advice and governance Caroline Thain. Picture: Supplied

How to start a conversation about your mental health

If you do decide to talk about your mental health with someone in your life, the first thing is to “get your timing clear”, Ms Gordon advised.

“Be aware that you have the other person’s attention – don’t start talking to someone when they’re really busy doing something else,” she said.

“Actually wait until you have their attention, and then say, ‘I’d like to talk to you about something that’s important to me – is that OK with you?’ Make sure that the other person is going to be receptive. Usually, when someone’s given a warning, they’re much more able to respond to you in a way that’s helpful to you.”

Consider where, exactly, you’d like the conversation to take place, Ms Thain said.

“The environment is important, and we don’t want to be having (these conversations in a rush),” she said. “Carve out some time. It can also feel less intimidating to have conversations side-by-side – for example, in a car, on a walk, or next to each other at the dinner table.”

And know that you “don’t have to pour out everything that’s worrying you” during that first chat, Ms Gordon said.

“If you’re trying to do that, it might be overwhelming to the person who you might want to help you. They won’t be overwhelmed if you just go slowly,” she said.

“Go slowly, make sure that they’re there in that moment with you, and that they’re prepared to listen at that time.”

‘It can feel less intimidating to have conversations side-by-side – for example, in a car, on a walk, or (sitting) next to each other.’ Picture: NCA NewsWire/Sarah Matray

‘You don’t have to be an expert’

As for what to do if you’re the one being confided in, “if you possibly can, stop anything else that you are doing and give them your full attention”, Ms Gordon said.

“Often, that’s really the beginning of the healing (process), (for them) to know that someone is listening, and that they’re not scared of what’s going on for them – because people are often very scared to share and are worried that what they say will overwhelm you,” she said.

“And if you let them know you can hear (it), then it’s not so bad. You know, if I (as the listener) can deal with this, it means you can deal with this too.”

Though people often feel pressured to, you don’t have to be an expert in your response, Prof Newby said.

“No one is perfect at having these conversations, so don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t go to plan,” she said, though “there are a few things to try and avoid” if you can.

Minimising that person’s feelings, trying to fix the situation and offer advice without being asked, criticising or judging them for the way they feel, ignoring the conversation and changing the topic because you’re comfortable, or pushing them to open up if they don’t want to talk all “might make someone feel worse or more isolated or misunderstood”, Prof Newby said.

As Ms Gordon put it, to be supportive, “you just have to be there”.

“Often by doing that, by being there and listening, the person who is suffering will start to come up with their own solutions, and you can help them implement those solutions – instead of having to come up with all the answers,” she said.

Black Dog Institute clinical psychologist and researcher, Professor Jill Newby. Picture: Supplied

Clinical psychologist Amanda Gordon. Picture: Supplied

‘None of us are immune’

When we normalise conversations about how we’re really going, Ms Newton said, we can help to create a culture where “people feel safe and confident to give and receive support when they need it”.

Three in four (71 per cent) Australians agreed that regular, casual conversations about mental wellbeing could help make those in-depth discussions about serious mental health issues feel more comfortable, while 3 in 5 (61 per cent) said they would benefit from talking about it more.

“Life happens to us all, none of us are immune, and the majority of us will find ourselves both offering support and needing support at various times during our lives,” Ms Newton said.

Ms Thain agreed. “Having conversations can reduce stigma and normalise conversations that can lead to young people accessing support in a timely manner and prevent poorer mental health outcomes for young people,” she said. “Mental health is everyone’s business.”

Originally published as Important conversation 1 in 2 Aussies ‘don’t know’ how to have