How to speak up when you're annoyed with someone

Don't just let it slide

Is a fear of being candid holding you back from saying what you really want to? Image: Getty

It’s often said that honesty is the best policy, but anyone who’s ever followed that advice can tell you that while it sounds great in theory, telling it like it is can be a lot more complicated in reality.

For the most part, it seems we only like honesty when it’s flattering and positive and reinforces what we already believe to be true. It’s when those beliefs are challenged with the kind of honesty we weren’t expecting, though, that things can quickly go awry. 

Feelings aside though, embracing candour and letting rip more often might actually offer huge benefits in the long term.  According to life coach Megan Luscombe, being honest, speaking with candour and voicing your issues don’t have to be scary or something we avoid at all costs. 

“You should be bringing things up immediately,” she says, explaining, “When you bring it up immediately it doesn't turn into the issue that it will if you leave it.” 

Like what you see? Sign up to our bodyandsoul.com.au newsletter for more stories like this.

In any relationship, be it with siblings, parents, friends, romantic partners or in work settings, the framework and basics of managing honesty are fundamentally the same.

“We have a three-class system: green flags, yellow flags and red flags,” Luscombe says. “The yellow flags are what you should be bringing up so it doesn’t turn into a red flag. And you bring up a yellow flag to see if it has the potential to turn back into a green flag.” 

Yellow flags, she says are things that make you feel uncomfortable or trigger something within us that has a negative connotation for you. As an example, this could be someone in the office making an inappropriate comment or joke, and in a relationship, it could be dismissing your feelings. 

From there, Luscombe says, “When you bring it up, you get to see the person that you’re dealing with and it’s what they do with you voicing a concern that shows you who that person is.” 

If, say, your colleague offers a genuine apology and commits to being more considerate with what they say or your partner thanks you for sharing how their behaviour has negatively impacted you, that’s a yellow flag returning to green status. If, on the other hand, they tell you to learn to take a joke or accuse you of being dramatic, orange has just turned red. Either way, though, in raising the issue, you now have a more informed view of the person. 

Both men and women find hard discussions difficult to broach. Image: Getty

But why is it that in an age where we have more opportunities to have our voices heard than ever before thanks to a seemingly endless array of social media apps, so many people still struggle with being candid and speaking their minds?

“Women, in particular, have been taught to keep things inside until there’s a 'real' problem,” Luscombe says, explaining that by and large thanks to societal programming, saying it like it is has been discouraged in many women from their formative years. 

“Men also don’t really vocalise a lot in the beginning stages of romances and friendships, they’re taught in their own ways by society to shut up,” she adds. 

Another variable that will impact whether or not you’re comfortable speaking up will come down to the nature of the relationship and the history itself. If you’re speaking frankly to a private group chat of people you’ve known for a long time, chances are you’re pretty safe. But if you’ve just taken a new job and are having some doubts arise, saying what’s on your mind poses a bigger risk.  

We're more connected than ever but still struggle to speak up. Image: Getty

“In any new type of dynamic, it can be hard to voice a concern in the early stages because we like the illusion of perfection. It can feel confronting to bring up something negative because we don’t want to jeopardise what we have, but the thing is it’s bringing up the negative thing that makes longevity happen,” Luscombe says.  

As for the all-too-common sense of shame and embarrassment that can come from admitting orange flags are beginning to appear, she says it’s important to balance those feelings with the reality of the situation. 

“There’s nothing embarrassing about having high hopes and having a really excited belief about something. We always go into absolutely everything with that mentality and we should. It's about realising that if there is an orange flag, that doesn’t take away the hope, it’s about being able to ask, ‘What can I do about it and how to bring it down to green?’ Or if it goes up to red, deciding what to do about it.” 

Originally published as How to speak up when you're annoyed with someone