Real Housewives of Melbourne episode 9 recap: Janet bails after latest Kyla fight
Vodka-fuelled tensions explode between the Real Housewives this week – but what is controversial Block star Tanya doing? Read our full recap.
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Last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne ended with an explosive walkout – yes, another one – as Kyla stormed out of a party, telling everyone to get f**ked as she went.
Tensions are still high this week as the Housewives assemble to support Jackie at the debut recording of her new podcast Shine It Up – an event so momentous she’s hired out an entire cinema for the occasion.
After last week’s blow-up, the battle lines are drawn: It’s Kyla and Cherry versus … everyone else. Arriving at the event, Cherry sniffs that Janet looks like she’s turned up in a wedding dress and complains about having to sit through the THREE-HOUR podcast taping:
The barbs continue inside the event, as Cherry slams down the vodka sodas – double fisting them at one point – while making weird little digs about Janet as she poses with fans:
All the while, Gamble – who, lets not forget, is blessed with the Real Housewives superpower of turbocharged hearing thanks to her hearing aid – listens intently, making mental notes to report everything back to the group later.
Then it’s time for the show. A heavily pregnant Jackie comes sprinting down the aisle from the back of the theatre like she’s a contestant on The Price is Right and launches into her high-octane podcast/self-help seminar/cult meeting.
“I FEEL SO HORMONAL RIGHT NOW!!!!” she bellows at the audience by way of introduction.
By hour two, Jackie’s enthusiasm hasn’t flagged – not even for one brief, merciful second – but Cherry and Kyla’s hangovers from those pre-show drinks are starting to kick in.
They’re checking their phones, whispering, struggling to stay awake – I’m seriously starting to doubt their commitment to Shining It Up.
At one point, Cherry just flat out goes to sleep:
As the show closes, Cherry and Kyla make a rush for the bar, demanding tequila shots.
Out in the foyer, Jackie joins the group and asks them what they all thought – and Kyla’s first to offer her review.
“I love that you talk about the truth. Because one of my big concerns with this group is that things get twisted …” she begins, skilfully pivoting into her own beef with Janet and Simone.
Jackie’s not happy that she’s barely been given a minute to bask in her own glory: “Kyla, are we really doing this? This is my Live Podcast Shine Up Event!”
Kyla explains that she walked out of last week’s group fight because she didn’t want to “stoop to anyone’s level” by “name calling and attacking”.
OK, but Kyla: You literally walked out while shouting back at “these molls” to “get ya f**ken act together”.
Kyla’s pinning all her problems on Simone, who was the middleman in Janet hearing about her own alleged break-in to Anjali’s apartment.
I am wildly paraphrasing here, but this is basically how it goes down:
Kyla: “Janet entered Anjali’s apartment and rifled through her cupboards looking for dirt. Anjali’s going to call the police.”
Simone: “Janet, you’re being accused of breaking into Anjali’s apartment.”
Kyla: “HOW DARE YOU, I NEVER SAID SHE ‘BROKE IN’, YOU LIAR!”
As the argument escalates, Cherry comes in to bat for Kyla, mixing her metaphors as vodka soda courses through her veins: “Simone’s making a mountain out of a molehill and she’s throwing Kyla under the bus!”
Eventually, Janet puts a stop to the whole argument by abruptly leaving – she’s done with Kyla, possibly for good.
The next time the ladies assemble it’s for Cherry’s 40th birthday party, and Gamble’s turned up in a brunette wig that’s giving young Maria Venuti:
Also present at the party, pulling focus in the background – an Australian reality TV star who’s somehow even more controversial than all the Housewives put together:
Yes, it’s Tanya from The Block! When she’s not taking photos of top-secret production schedules, she’s Cherry’s make-up artist.
One notable absence: Janet, who Jackie explains “can’t come … well, won’t come” as she’s in no mood to face another argument with Kyla.
No sooner has Jackie arrived at the party, than she’s got the birthday girl sequestered in a corner to grill her about her decidedly unshiny behaviour at her Live Podcast Shine Up Event.
A visibly nervous Cherry insists she was on her best behaviour all night, as Jackie gives her the ol’ suspicious Larry David look:
The one faux pas Cherry will own up to is taking a quick nap – or as she puts it: “I did close my eyes, because I needed to energise internally, and that is the truth.”
Stealing this excuse to use after my next work Zoom.
Next it’s time for speeches, and Kyla hogs the mic for an OTT, vaguely Sapphic speech describing Cherry as “an enigma” (is she?), “genetically blessed” and professing her undying love for her.
As the party continues, Kyla says she’s sad Janet decided not to turn up, but she trusts it has nothing to do with her. Jackie catapults herself into the convo from the other side of the party to confirm that actually, it has everything to do with her.
Cherry’s husband Andre asks to be brought up to speed on the feud, and the ladies try valiantly, but it’s a pointless task – Housewives drama is wasted on heterosexual men, it’d be like trying to explain cricket to me.
He offers the Housewives some clear-headed advice which any true fan of the franchise can only interpret as a personal attack: “Ya gotta move the f**k on, otherwise it’s just going around and around and around.”
YES THANK YOU ANDRE, THAT IS THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE SHOW, I THINK THEY’RE PLAYING ‘THE FOOTY’ IN THE FRONT BAR, RUN ALONG PLEASE.
Next week on the RHOM season finale: Janet hits back at Kyla with a mysterious “toxic" post that shocks everyone – leading into one final explosive group showdown.
The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena channel. Chat all things #RHOMelbourne with recapper and genetically cursed enigma Nick Bond on Twitter.
Originally published as Real Housewives of Melbourne episode 9 recap: Janet bails after latest Kyla fight
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