Parenting bible: Education expert Dr Jo Orlando reveals “instruction manual” for dealing with your child’s online obsession
It’s the bane of modern parenting. But now, education expert Dr Jo Orlando has written an “instruction manual” for dealing with your child’s online obsession.
It’s the long-awaited “instruction manual” for desperate parents needing help to tackle their child’s digital dilemmas.
Renowned education expert Dr Jo Orlando’s new book, Generation Connected: How To Parent In A Digital World – At Every Age and Stage, answers burning questions and gives practical tips for every age and stage to help deal with the daunting world of children and their online obsessions.
And it’s already being billed as the What to Expect When You’re Expecting of the digital age – a 324-page parenting bible offering direct, practical and realistic advice based on “real people and real scenarios”.
“Parents have been saying ‘we really need an instruction manual, if only there was one’,” says Dr Orlando, who used to work on the ABC’s PlaySchool TV show.
“So that’s what I’ve written, a very clear instruction book and I think what I bring to this book is there’s no guesswork here.
“I wanted to bring something that you can actually trust written by an expert who’s got kids. I live in the suburbs with three kids, I’ve got a dog and a cat – I’m living family life as well and this just happens to be my job as well.”
Here, she gives a rundown by age group of the advice she shares in the book.
Protecting baby brains
Birth-2
Dr Orlando says parents need to be “very careful” about screen exposure with this age as baby brains develop quickly and “anything they do has a huge impact”.
If babies are around digital devices, keep content “fairly static, not fast-paced or crazy” to avoid exhausting or overwhelming them and making them unsettled and irritable.
“It’s like getting a fire hose and trying to feed it to them,” says the mum-of-three.
“This is such an important time developmentally. Screens can be helpful because we know they captivate baby but we need to be careful of the habits we’re getting ourselves in.”
Dr Orlando’s tip for working parents is to face little ones away from screens and towards their parents.
“Eye contact is incredibly important. Take care that you turn to your baby and give them the look, the reassurance, the smile because that’s what is incredibly important,” she says.
“I know it’s tough because we can get into our work but we need to make sure we’re connecting with baby.”
Dr Orlando warns to avoid giving screens to unsettled babies as habits can form very quickly.
“If you give your baby your phone if they’re fussing, you have to be aware that they form a habit very quickly, probably the second time, maybe the third,” she says.
“They’re normally crying because they’re feeling insecure … hold them for a little bit to help them feel secure again.”
Avoid the junk
3-7
At this age, it’s about time and quality.
Depending on the context, anything more than two hours a day is probably too much, says Dr Orlando.
And in a smorgasbord of content – the world’s biggest YouTube channels are designed for preschool children – it’s about avoiding the “junk content”.
Shows need to engage children, asking questions and encouraging them to become involved in activities.
“If they’re just sitting there, watching animations that are very repetitive with no engagement and you’re not reacting with the content either, that’s the lowest level, that’s the junk content,” she says.
“Most of the time it should be content that is encouraging your child to think, be creative, take ideas from the show and applying them to their toys. Take the content and bring it out into their play. Make sure you are a part of that world as well.”
Dr Orlando says even though the American Pediatric Association refuses to put a time limit on screen time after the age of two, she recommends a maximum of two hours a day.
“If they’re in front of a screen for four hours a day, that’s too much,” she says.
“You have to think at what cost is it coming, what are they missing out on if they’re on a screen for hours and hours everyday.
“Don’t use the screen as our only parenting strategy.”
Dr Orlando says there is quality content available, including the ABC’s PlaySchool and Ms Rachel and Blippi on YouTube.
Online games are often being introduced around the age of two but Dr Orlando warns not to use them as “babysitting”.
“Make sure that you’re engaged and playing it with them,” she says.
“A good, cute option is peek-a-boo game Farms.”
By seven, kids have probably progressed to video games, particularly ones that involve social interaction with friends. The best ones – such as Minecraft and Thinkrolls – encourage problem-solving and abstract thinking or game progression.
But she says parents should set a one-hour limit – and use a timer to make sure that deal is not broken.
“The conversation about online safety starts early when they start playing video games that can match you up with partners and suggested friends,” she says.
“Talk to your child about how they’re being manipulated by the algorithms. Ask them what they think.”
Under pressure
8-10
This is the age when parents generally come under pressure from their tweens to buy their first phone. The average age in Australia for getting a phone is now nine.
In an era when most homes no longer have landlines, children who spend time home alone before their parents finish work may need a phone to be contactable.
But Dr Orlando says there are options that can limit a child’s online access, including “dumb” phones with no apps, parent-controlled models or a “borrow” phone that belongs to the family, not the child.
“Kids might be coming home to an empty house … parents want them to be contactable,” she says.
“It’s definitely not bad, it doesn’t mean they’re going to be addicted, it just means you’re trying to look after your family.”
Even children who don’t have a phone generally have access to a device that connects them to online games and group chats, which are crucial to shaping real-life friendships. So the question is: how much time should they be allowed to spend every day?
Dr Orlando has come up with a formula to help parents decide what works in their families. It involves adding up the non-negotiable commitments, including homework, dinner and chores, and deciding what percentage of leftover time can be spent online.
“Every family can use that formula really easily,” she says.
“Children often have a lot on after school and it’s a matter of deciding how their free time is spent.”
Dr Orland also encourages parents to get involved in their child’s games, learning how to play them and showing interest.
“You don’t need to be good at the game. In fact, your kid will love being better than you!” she says.
Mastering apprenticeships
11-13
This is a time of “big, big change”, says Dr Orlando. Children often have their first smart phone in this age bracket and their online world suddenly becomes global.
Dr Orlando recommends treating this introduction to phone use as a three-month “apprenticeship” that starts before the device even arrives, setting expectations and discussing how to handle things like friend requests, group chats and messages from people they don’t know.
“Think of it as a learner’s permit,” she says.
“You’re not going to get your full licence straight up. It’s building skills step by step.
“I’ve been in families where they do this and it’s amazing, the parents are so much more confident, the kids are much calmer, the family’s a lot more at ease when they’re taking this approach. It’s part of the contract of getting a phone.”
In the early stages of this apprenticeship, parents stage daily check-ins with their children that include morning, after-school and bedtime reviews of notifications and privacy settings and casual chats about what’s happened on their phones.
Over the next few weeks, those check-ins can be reduced to twice a week and by the end of the three months, they’re no longer needed. A “phone privilege review” at the end of the apprenticeship can involve extending phone privileges and increasing responsibility.
Friends zone
14 to 16
Friends are crucial – and fitting in is paramount in this age group, says Dr Orlando.
By this stage, it’s not a case of how much time but more about balance and empowering teens to be safe in their digital worlds and avoid the pitfalls of infinite scrolls and games with rewards. “It’s not about the use of their phones or how much, it’s these bigger issues at play,” she says.
“It’s about helping to balance it out, this age group would be on their phones 24/7 if we let them. Being aware of the games that hook them in with rewards and streaks.”
Depending on family rules, most children will have their phones in their room overnight at this age.
“But every child’s maturity level is different and that is something parents should assess themselves,” says Dr Orlando. “Maybe this is one of the last things in the apprentice, showing they can be trusted to have it overnight without looking at it in the middle of the night. If a child is constantly involved in social drama, then maybe not ready for it. “You’re still the parent, you still have the life experience.”
Adult in training
16-18
At 18, they will have complete autonomy over their online activity. So while they are strictly still kids, Dr Orlando says the reins can start to come off.
“Hopefully they’ll be pretty good with their tech but parents will still worry,” she says. But they can still play a guiding role through the pitfalls and “echo chambers” of their children’s social media feeds.
“Speak to them about social issues,” Dr Orlando says. “Say ‘this is what I’ve got on my Instagram, what do you have on yours?’. That kind of conversation is really interesting and helps them understand their online world.”
Dr Orlando says relationships are the “most important thing” and striking a balance between protection and connection is key. “You can be super strict and you know they’re safe but they don’t talk to you,” she says. “We need this balance, We want the fun moments when we’re having the jokes. We want them to come to us if there’s a problem. We want to feel at ease and relaxed with them but they’re growing up in the digital world.
“In the book, there’s quite a heavy emphasis on talking and starting lots of conversations from when they’re little – that’s how you get the balance. You understand them as a tech user but still stay really connected with them. And you keep them safe because you know what’s happening.”
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Originally published as Parenting bible: Education expert Dr Jo Orlando reveals “instruction manual” for dealing with your child’s online obsession
