‘Don’t vomit on your boss’: Helpful survival tips for work Xmas parties
Susie O’Brien is here to remind you that what happens at the work Christmas party rarely stays at the work Christmas party.
It’s our work Christmas party next week.
Yep, it’s that time of year again, when human resources managers begin googling disaster recovery tips and double-checking the company’s vicarious liability clauses.
They’ll send all-staff email reminders about the importance of respect and inclusion, then bulk-order cheap chardonnay and Dominoes pizzas and hope for the best.
These days, workers have to be told how to behave at such events, with many experts offering useful hints everyone will ignore. They tell us to remember our “etiquette intelligence”, “stay alcohol free and be the hit of the party” and “make polite conversation on on-work topics”.
Yeah, that’s not a party, that’s a wake.
“No trauma-dumping,” says another not-to-do office party list. “Look happy to be there”.
I did find one piece of online advice that seemed a little more practical:
“Don’t vomit on your boss,” it said. “And under no circumstances should you be using your colleagues’ clothing to freshen up after a spew”.
OK, that’s more like it. Take note, folks.
Clearly, these fun police wardens have never been to any of my work Christmas parties, which generally start sedate and end up in the courts.
There’s a certain sameness about these events, isn’t there?
The night kicks off with the gals from Accounts Payable chatting amicably with the guys from the warehouse.
It all goes well until the repressed marrieds start to mingle with the sexy singles, lubricated by mountains of lukewarm free booze.
It’s all downhill from there.
You know the tide has turned when you spot your boss with his tie wrapped around his head gyrating on a table top to the strains of I’m Too Sexy.
Then Gavin from the Legal Department drains several glasses and hits the dance floor.
He’s got wombat-shaped BO patches under each arm and a curious body rash. And the red mark on his ring finger suggests he’s not newly separated, as he told Kathy from Accounts, but straying from his wife who’s at home with their three young kids with gastro.
Gavin, Lord of the Dance, turns into Lord of the Pants as the night deteriorates rapidly.
Janine and Kylie from Admin Services are doing body shots on the bar with the Financial Controller’s son, who isn’t even legally allowed to drink, let alone suck lemon quarters from the mouth of a woman three times his age.
Off in a dark corner, the self-appointed office Lothario – Ronnie from Sales – is showcasing his spare type in a one-size-too-small dress shirt fresh from the bargain rack at Peter Jackson.
He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s about to be fired because he’s spent the past hour filling the company Twitter feed with pictures of women’s breasts taken at close range.
By 9pm the sales managers are roaming around the room, reassessing conquests they dismissed as not up to scratch two hours and 14 beers ago.
The CEO, by this time, is regaling the receptionists with dodgy jokes and will only get up to speed on Monday morning when his email inbox starts filling up with legal threats, sexual harassment complaints and letters of resignation.
It’s true, though, that some companies would be well served by listening to some sound advice at this time of year – and not just about vomit.
I remember one Queensland work Christmas party that ended badly when one gent on a corporate end-of-year cruise fell overboard when trying to relieve himself.
There was also the Melbourne builder who drank a truckload, and then swore at his boss and made lewd passes at all the women in his office. He wasn’t fired, though, as the judge blamed his workplace for providing unlimited grog.
Now, that’s my kind of magistrate.
And remember that Melbourne CEO who boasted about taking drugs and talked about extramarital work hook-ups in the lead-up to his work Christmas do? I’m not sure if the highlight of his speech was the bit where he said: “I take drugs myself, I just don’t do it at work events” or his suggestion that it’s “probably not wise to cheat on your partner with someone at work”. Or maybe don’t cheat at all?
Most of us can’t remember how to fill out online leave requests, computer log-on passwords, or name of the guy in the next cubicle.
But we do remember exactly who did what to whom at the Christmas party each year.
Don’t forget, what happens at the work Christmas party rarely stays at the Christmas party, particularly when it ends up on YouTube. Then it’ll be around to haunt you for years. Someone had better tell Gavin.
Education@news.com.au
Originally published as ‘Don’t vomit on your boss’: Helpful survival tips for work Xmas parties
