20 office cliches to avoid at all costs

IF YOU don’t want to be hated, then avoid these office cliches. They’re a sure sign you don’t know what you’re talking about.

“Let’s take this conversation offline and talk about the bigger picture”. Say what now?

UNCOVERING people who don’t know what they’re doing at work has become easier in recent years. You’ve just got to look out for these management cliches and business buzzwords.

So if you don’t want to be quietly hated and lose all the hard-earned professional respect you have accumulated, avoid these deliberately vague and ultimately meaningless pieces of throwaway jargon at all costs.

SYNERGY

The atomic bomb in the armoury of the office moron. Sounds like the bastard child of synchronise and energy. So it must mean something important, right? Wrong!

ENERGY

When said to describe a person or a room full of people. Example “I didn’t get his energy”. This is a thinly veiled way of saying “I do not like this person”, but with a feigned spiritual tinge. Anyone who uses this term is more likely to spend last quarter’s profits on magic beans/crystals than do anything worthwhile. Avoid.

DYNAMIC

Often thrown around when describing an individual, or even worse — yourself. You might as well say “midlife crisis, devoid of ideas” on your CV.

REACH OUT

Are you a member of the Four Tops? If not, stop using this immediately.

TOUCH BASE

Americanism derived from baseball which has no literal or figurative meaning. Especially used by sales people when they have no specific reason to call. The calling card of the shiny suit wearer and Wolf of Wall Street wannabe.

THINK OUTSIDE THE SQUARE

If anyone utters this horrible phrase in a meeting politely ask them to think outside the meeting …. forever.

CIRCLE THE SQUARE

Is a geometric problem proposed by the Ancient Greeks. Now middle managers use it to describe a conundrum they don’t fully understand.

REINVENT THE WHEEL

A personal favourite, suggesting the wheel cannot be improved so stop wasting time. Quick point, the wheel has been continuously improved since its first incarnation.

CIRCLE BACK

For years’ intrepid explorers tried to avoid circling back. Today the cliche is used to tentatively arrange to speak to someone about a specific topic with no real intention to ever actually follow through.

PERCOLATE

Similar to “let the idea breathe” and equally annoying. If you are not a barista, do not say this. Or alternatively just own up and say whatever you are doing is going to be horrifically late.

EMPOWER

Use liberally if you are Martin Luther King or Emily Pankhurst. Do not use if you are talking about giving your employees the choice of coming in at 8 or 8.30am. Condescending in the highest order.

BURNING PLATFORM

Often used by a manager who has just been on a course. “S**t is about to hit the fan” is a far more fun and vivid way to explain an impending disaster.

LOTS OF MOVING PARTS

The office idiot will use this piece of jargon to describe something they don’t understand in the hope that there will be no further follow up questions.

TAKE OFFLINE

The person who uses this 21st century phrase has two desires: 1. For everyone to think he or she is so much on the forefront of technology that they are always “on-line” and 2. To never discuss whatever they have suggested to “take offline” ever, ever again.

DISCONNECT

Another IT based term to suggest a breakdown in communication or something that simply doesn’t work. A fancy buzzword that the office idiot uses in the hope that the listener believes they know what the problem is …. but really has no clue and certainly has no intention to “reconnect” whatever is disconnected.

BANDWIDTH

As in — “I don’t have the bandwidth” which fundamentally means, “I want to sound busy and technologically savvy but in the same way I have no desire to do what you have asked”.

SOCIALISE

Only said in panic by a senior manager over a certain age. Used to sound like they have their finger on the social media pulse when really all they want to do is let it be publicly known that they have done something/anything.

LOW HANGING FRUIT

To imply a person or business should go for easier success. Why wouldn’t anyone go after low hanging fruit?! Only said by an individual who wants people to think that they are thinking of the “bigger picture”.

BIGGER PICTURE

Deliberately patronising to anyone within earshot. The office idiot who emphasises this phrase (and they will emphasise) has no interest or ability to get on with their day to day job.

BLUE-SKY THINKING / BRAINSTORMING / THOUGHT SHOWER

All are utterly, utterly meaningless and are the last resort of the office idiot who has been cornered and exposed. Get out quick!

Ieuan Williams is a senior leader within the recruitment industry and co-founder and director of Mane Consulting.

Originally published as 20 office cliches to avoid at all costs