The moment Australia lost its mind in toilet paper panic buying debacle

This year has been defined by a slew of unbelievable moments – but there was one mass act of craziness that our nation will never live down.

When Australia’s first cases of coronavirus appeared – what feels like years ago now – residents were advised to ensure they had enough food and medication in their pantries to last at least a fortnight.

Experts and politicians reminded them not to bite off more than they could chew in 14 days or to take up hoarding, because “we’re not talking zombie apocalypse”.

Yet hoard things they did.

People – who had never even baked before – bought kilos of flour, taking to Instagram with photographs of what on first inspection looked like goo, but was – on their insistence – sourdough starter, lovingly nurtured.

Packets of dried pasta were snatched up like tickets for a Justin Bieber concert, back before he adopted that monkey and started weeing in mop buckets.

But it was the prospect of having to wipe their behinds on a stray Maggi noodle packet that truly bought panicked shoppers undone.

Monday, March 2, was quite literally the day we as a nation collectively lost our sh*t.

RELATED: First a rush on toilet paper, now this

Shelves at supermarkets around Australia were stripped bare of the bathroom necessity. Picture: Lucy Rutherford

Signage for product limits on a shelf in a Melbourne Woolworths. Picture: James Ross/AAP

It’s worth noting that, according to data from German market research company Statista, Australians use about 88 toilet paper rolls per person (or just under two rolls a week) over the course of a year – meaning 15 rolls over a 14-day quarantine period would keep a family of four going.

Findings like this, however – along with any other common sense – went out the window.

In the space of 24 hours and for weeks to come, shoppers wiped supermarket, pharmacy and convenience store shelves clean of the bathroom staple.

Rolls were flogged for hundreds of dollars online; middle-aged bogans pulled knives and tasers on each other over dwindling supplies; and listeners called into radio stations to win packs of three-ply.

Australia, revered for its conduct and acts of selflessness and community throughout the horror bushfire season, was reduced to an international laughing stock.

In the days that followed, #toiletpapergate and #toiletpapercrisis were among our top trending topics on Twitter.

There was no greater fear, as COVID-19 slowly infiltrated our country, than being stuck on the toilet and down to your last square of Sorbent.

RELATED: Toilet paper brawlers’ curious strategy

What exactly are these people expecting to happen here? We're not going through a nuclear winter. If schools close or gatherings are shut down, we'll still have access to grocery shops. And...where's the food this will be needed for ? https://t.co/0qltWSEMAY

— ɪᴀɴ ᴍ. ᴍᴀᴄᴋᴀʏ, ᴘʜᴅ 🦠🤧🧬🥼🦟🧻 (@MackayIM) March 3, 2020

Congratulations Australia. When the spectre of global crisis even hinted at threatening our way of life Italians tried to save their pasta, and we went straight for the dunny roll.

— Adam Liaw (@adamliaw) March 3, 2020

Following an affray between two women at a western Sydney Woolworths, NSW Police acting inspector Andrew New pleaded with shoppers not to “panic like this” when grabbing their groceries.

“There is no need for it. It isn’t the Thunderdome, it isn’t Mad Max, we don’t need to do that,” he said.

Come March 18, Prime Minister Scott Morrison joined the chorus of toilet paper suppliers, grocery store workers, police and the small portion of the community who hadn’t gone completely mad – scolding Kleenex fiends like a disappointed parent with thousands of naughty children.

“Stop hoarding. I can’t be more blunt about it. Stop it,” the PM said from a press conference in Canberra.

“It is not sensible, it is not helpful and it has been one of the most disappointing things I have seen in Australian behaviour in response to this crisis.

“That is not who we are as a people. It is not necessary. It is not something that people should be doing. It’s ridiculous, it’s un-Australian, and it must stop.”

RELATED: Real reason behind mass toilet paper haul

Police were called in to monitor the toilet paper sections of supermarkets to ensure people remained civil and abided by store limits. Picture: James Gourley/AAP

Customers left Costco stores with enough toilet paper to service a small village. Picture: William West/AFP

Expert in behavioural economics at the University of Newcastle, David Savage, told The Sydney Morning Herald in November – when a sudden lockdown in South Australia spawned lines around the block at Adelaide stores and residents once again embraced such tendencies – that two key drivers of human behaviour lead to panic buying: loss aversion and herd behaviour.

Dr Savage said images of empty supermarket shelves prompted people to believe there would be a shortage – and humans were“loss averse”. Once they saw the empty shelves, herd theory kicked in, he explained, prompting them to buy up big because others before them had done the same.

“And when herd behaviour kicks in and loss aversion kicks in, everyone is in,” he said.

Whatever the logic behind stockpiling 12 years’ supply of toilet paper may be, let us all hope and pray that no matter what 2021 throws at us, we never have to offer up our first born child in exchange for a roll again.