Great experiences and indulgences in Koh Samui, Thailand

KOH Samui has come a long way in a short time as a holiday destination and its attractions are striking to say the least, writes Frank Barrett.

Koh Samui a big hit in more ways than one

"GO ON,'' he said. "Hit me!"

I struck him with my fist, only for him to openly laugh at my feeble blow. I hit him again. He laughed harder still. I've had rows with hotel staff before - who hasn't? - but normally I settle scores with a terse review on TripAdvisor. I've never actually thumped anybody. My last stand-up fight was at infant school. But here I was being taunted by an employee of a five-star hotel and here was I coming over all Jason Bourne, attempting to aim roundhouse kicks at his head. At the Conrad Koh Samui, being allowed to bash hotel staff is part of the service. On Mondays, the man who on other mornings does aquarobics or yoga, runs Thai boxing classes. Happy Monday (I couldn't ask him to say his name a fourth time, but he was happy and it was Monday) pulls on the gloves and suggests how guests might fell him with a well-placed elbow. To quote TV's In The Thick Of It, Thai boxing is a ''pub fight, Motherwell rules''. As an activity, it's certainly different. So was the 45-minute massage designed to combat insomnia. After five minutes of gentle pummelling, I went straight to sleep. While the massage was extremely good, the falling asleep had more to do with me than any aroma. I've nodded off during every massage I've ever had. Embarrassingly, I'm not a quiet sleeper. My snoring is so awful that my wife refuses to sign up to spa treatments for couples. I feel awkward about it too. Falling asleep makes it seem I'm not paying attention. I now warn masseuses that at some time during the session I'll lose consciousness. "Oh, that's OK,'' they say. If I were them, I'd probably want all my clients to fall asleep at the earliest possible moment; they could then pop out for a cup of tea or read a newspaper until the 45 minutes was up. But, as far as I can tell, they keep on massaging conscientiously. A Thai massage has now become the gold standard for massages throughout the world. Similarly, a Thai curry has become the must-have item for every smart Asian fusion restaurant. The new Conrad Koh Samui has both items well catered for. An additional attraction is that at the Conrad, guests can take a class in curry cooking with one of the hotel's chefs. For someone like me who finds beans on toast a challenge, this was a revelation. Cooking a Thai vegetable curry was simplicity itself: it involved tossing in coconut milk, palm sugar, curry paste and an assortment of vegetables (the chef had thoughtfully sorted this all for me) while I stirred it up in a big pot. The result, I have to tell you, was pretty sensational. But then, Koh Samui is a pretty sensational place. On the 40-minute drive from Samui airport to our hotel, we passed the usual modern holiday resort sprawl of McDonald's, KFC and Starbucks. The Thai island that once topped the travel wishlist of all serious hippy-trippy backpackers has now been colonised by international big business. This shift from backpacker heaven to package staple has become a fairly common trail, already blazed by Morocco and Turkey. But what's astonishing about Koh Samui is this transformation has happened so quickly. Little more than 40 years ago, this was an island that grew coconuts and lacked proper roads. Now it boasts the creme de la creme of top hotel chains: Banyan Tree, Four Seasons, Intercontinental, Orient Express, W, Six Senses and - the resort where I was heading - the Conrad. When I made my first visit to Thailand at the end of the 1970s, telling people where I was going prompted them to respond by singing snippets from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical The King And I. Thailand wasn't then recognised as a holiday destination - it was vaguely assumed to be Siam, a country of stunning golden temples and peasants probably still ruled by Yul Brynner. In the years since my first visit, Thailand has in most ways been radically transformed. At the end of the 1970s, the war in Vietnam had only recently petered out. Neighbouring Cambodia was in the throes of the horrors of Pol Pot's Killing Fields. This part of Asia wasn't seen as a place for holiday-makers - it was a destination for backpacking budget travellers. This was where the Lonely Planet guide series scored its first major success with South-East Asia On A Shoestring - soon known to its enthusiastic disciples as the Yellow Bible. Today's visitors place a higher premium on quality and style. Whatever it is that Koh Samui has, tourists can't get enough of it. Last year, hotel occupancy was at a high. At the Conrad during my stay, the largest single nationality of guests was South Korean: the place was full of happy honeymooners. One of the honeymoon attractions of Koh Samui in general - and the Conrad in particular - is that you have no real reason to leave the property for the entirety of your stay. The Koh Samui "things to do'' section of TripAdvisor manages to find 39 attractions. Given that numbers one and four are sports clubs and numbers two and three are beaches, you'll understand that sightseeing isn't a priority here. One afternoon, I took the 45-minute drive to Bophut's Fisherman Village. Floating temple at Bophut. Picture: Supplied. It's best visited on a Friday night, I was told. Perhaps it's more lively then - during the day it's a fairly dull collection of shops, craft stalls, restaurants and cheap bars selling mojitos at 50p a go. I declined the chance to see the monkey show and wasn't keen to visit the Big Buddha. The one attraction that intrigued me was the mummified monk. On display is the body of a monk who died 20 years ago in a posture of a meditation. The main reason, however, for sticking to the hotel is that, like many places in South-East Asia, Koh Samui traffic operates like real-life dodgems. Leave the traffic behind and the Koh Samui Conrad reveals itself as paradise on earth. The island's newest luxury resort property, it has 80 villas located on a secluded hill on the southwest tip of the island. It is spread over more than 10 hectares and guests enjoy panoramic views of the Gulf of Thailand's stunning sunsets, outlying islands and a surrounding landscape of lush coconut plantations. It certainly has an epic quality to its design: a series of exquisite villas that rise up out of a sheer hillside. Each villa has its own pool and all the hotel lacks is a beach. To compensate, staff run a shuttle boat service to a neighbouring island. I hit the beach, rested my head and went straight to sleep. Yes, that anti-insomnia massage was a huge success. GO2 KOH SAMUI Getting there Samui is about690km south of Bangkok and 50km from the east coast of Thailand. Flight time from Bangkok is just over an hour, and the island is also serviced domestically from Phuket, Pattaya, and Chiang Mai, plus Kuala Lumpur, Singapore and Hong Kong. Staying there Conrad Koh Samui, see conradkohsamuiresort.com