Russia’s ‘Crazy’ hotel is the stuff of nightmares

There are many, many themed rooms to choose from in this hotel on the outskirts of Moscow, and each one is more terrifying than the last.

Today I was minding my own business, trawling the internet for interesting hotels when I came across the formidably named Special Hotel ‘Crazy’ on booking.com.

And I would like you to come on a wild, frightening and mind-boggling journey with me as we drink in the photos from this utterly bizarre themed hotel on the outskirts of Moscow.

(The words “kiss”, “love” and “sex” give a not-so-subtle hint as to what this room is all about. That’s right: crosswords.)

And what do we have here?

Oh wait, we have more clues. Turns out there’s a bath on a tiled roulette wheel in the other corner. It’s a Vegas-themed room I guess? Also love the curtain in the corner, for a window that is probably very much wished for, but doesn’t exist.

It could be the stuff of nightmares.

One of my worst nightmares is entering a hotel room to find someone “in character” in the room. As such I find many of these images rather triggering.

There’s a lot going on here.

Oh god, no room is safe. REFUND! REFUND!

I’ve seen this room somewhere before.

My friend from primary school had Italian grandparents and I swear their bedroom in the 1980s was the inspiration for this particular room.

I mean, it has some nice features?

It’s particularly charming how nobody quite knew where to put the television.

“I know, let’s put it right next to the very eye-catching reverse cycle airconditioning unit.”

This is either some kind of medieval inn vibe, or a ski chalet, or an Early Settler Furniture showroom.

I’m not sure what to say about this room.

Oh wait, no, *that* is the ski chalet.

The soccer room is very well done. Especially the way they have strung 900 lights up on the ceiling so you feel like you are in the middle of a stadium. It’s very relaxing.

Kick back … literally.

I finally see what hotel rooms have been missing: A mosaic-tiled face that judges you while you’re on the toilet.

That's quite the tile choice.

Imagine you accidentally booked this with a colleague on a work conference …

This hotel calls for a certain clientele.

… Somebody is calling HR first thing on Monday morning.

To the right is the door you run screaming through.

Just step away from the bedside table axe.

Another one that is slightly difficult to nail down. Parisian brothel from a rather poor neighbourhood?

I think we are all just wondering about that lamp.

Ohhh … it could be an old-timey dress shop. Or a visual merchandising training facility.

OK we will take it.

This must be the Presidential Suite, because that room has an actual window. Doesn’t even matter what the theme is. Window! We’ll take it.

… on second thoughts.

OK maybe hold that thought …

Another thing we didn’t realise hotels had been missing until now – port holes in the bathroom so you can keep an eye on your partner at all times.

Said windows on the left.

This has just the right amount of kitsch to actually work. Crank that big old oil heater up and pretend you are in the Maldives instead of on the outskirts of Moscow.

Okay what have we here? Are we in Nepal? India? In a wooden crate filled with items bound for an Ishka store?

Oh, we’re in the Karma Sutra room. Don’t look too closely at the images on the wall, children.

Children please look away from the walls.

This must be the budget room. Geez it looks nice and peaceful.

Now that's what we call a budget room.

So it seems the directions to the rooms are done in the style of an airport terminal? Don’t hate that. Points for originality.

It actually turns out, upon further investigation, that “the style of the individually decorated rooms represent different countries and cities”.

So you have the “Royal – Moscow” room, the “Inquisition – Madrid” (oh so *that’s* what that was all about), and the “Sports – London” for example.

I mean, where's the emergency exit?

Imagine spending a week there and travelling the world through their different themed rooms.

Pop that on your travel bucket list.