Our reporter went in Thredbo’s iconic Top 2 Bottom ski race. And after acting like a big tough guy, karma had the last word. Ouch

KARMA is a bitch. After buffeting his opponents out of the way, our reporter got exactly what he deserved in Australia’s wildest, meanest ski race.

THE boulder hurtled towards me large like a big, menacing hard-boiled egg.

Actually that’s not true at all. For one thing I was racing towards the boulder rather than the other way around. Also, hard-boiled eggs are relatively soft.

Anyway it’s true that I was hurtling uncontrollably downhill towards a rather frightening boulder.

That’s the gate that Ant clipped. Boulder in background.

The reason that was happening was that I had just fallen in Thredbo’s Top 2 Bottom race. The reason I fell was that I clipped a gate while trying to overtake, and the reason that happened was because overtaking was all part of the game in this no-holds-barred event.

Alpine ski racing is usually you versus the clock. One racer at a time on the course. The Top 2 Bottom is different. It involves batches of up to 60 racers, grouped according to age and ability, all battling the course simultaneously in a mad flurry of limbs, equipment and curtains of blinding snow.

The evil monster grows closer.

This is the race’s 25th year. Thredbo is the only Australian ski resort that could ever hold, or will ever hold, an event anything like it, and that’s because no other Australian ski resorts have runs anywhere near as long as Thredbo. Some have more lifts than Thredbo, but all are mere hills compared to the great big mountain that is Thredbo. At any other Australian ski resort, the whole thing would be over in about 10 seconds.

You can ski the Top 2 Bottom course any day of the ski season. Get up that first lift at 8.30am and you might do it with just about no one around. But this is different. Pre-dawn and the mountain is yours. It’s just you and the other racers. You get one practice run about 7am, which many of us enjoy more than the actual race. Then at 7.30am it’s on for real.

There’s literally no ski mountain half as big as Thredbo in Australia. The Top 2 Bottom follows Australia’s longest run, the 3.7km Super Trail, most of which you can see in this picture.

The start is “Le Mans” style, a reference to the famous French auto race where competitors dash for their car at the start of the race. In the Top 2 Bottom, you run uphill carrying your skis about 50 metres to a flat area where you clip your boards on. And then you’re away.

I was midfield after a sluggish running start, a legacy of what may or may not have been a few too many of race sponsor GH Mumm’s champagne products the evening before. But as you can see in the images below, I soon started bumping plenty of people out of the way and threading my way through the field.

Sharwood (in red), what the hell are you doing?

Just look at the expression on the blue guys’ faces. “What the hell is this madman doing?” they seem to be saying.

He’s racing for glory, that’s what.

My goal was to finish in the top half of the 60-man veterans field. (Note to Thredbo: classing over-35s as “veterans” is insulting. What’s wrong with the word “masters”?)

At the first of two intermediate time checkpoints, I was in 34th spot. Just a couple more rude pushy-shovey manoeuvres and I would be in that top half where I needed to be.

Sharwood (in red) finds some clear running.

Then tragedy struck. Or maybe it was karma. Whatever caused it, my ski hooked around a gate and sent me sprawling. The other ski clicked off in sympathy and soon it was just me hurtling towards that big boiled egg of a boulder.

Well, you’re reading this so you can be assured I missed the boulder. Not by much but I did. After coming to a standstill (make that a sitstill) about 200m down the hill, I ran uphill panting heavily, clicked my skis back in while still panting madly, then skied the lower two thirds of the course by myself. Which was rather embarrassing to be honest. At least I didn’t come last. Two racers had worse mishaps than me and I finished 58th.

Our man juuuust missed out on the podium. By 55 places.

The moral of the story? Well, next year I’ll get a better start. But the main take-out is to be nicer to your fellow human, be they a ski racer, train commuter or anyone, really. Pushy and shovey doesn’t work at all and I not going to behave that way at all ever again. Ever.

Until next year’s race.