How to get the best out of cruising: Top tips from a cruise expert

HE’S spent more than 400 days on the world’s oceans and rivers and now this traveller has expert words of advice for first-time cruisers.

Cruise Ship Vacation. Sea Travel Concept with Deckchairs on the Vessel Deck.

HERE’S what I’ve learnt after more than 400 days on the world’s oceans and rivers on huge, medium and small boutique ships, from mainstream to ultra-luxe.

BOOKING D’OHS!

Book early for discounts – cruise lines love having cabins booked and paid for a year in advance. Or book late for last-minute deals to fill empty spaces.

Check for packages which include airfares, a hotel night pre- and post-cruise, drinks packages, cabin upgrade, etc. If you have a definite trip, ship and date in mind, book early – those last-minute sales do not happen if the ship is full. I had an awkward dinner on Queen Mary 2 where an early-bird booker who was boasting about a cheap deal was embarrassingly trumped by a late booker whose deal was much cheaper.

THE FIRST THING CRUISE ADDICTS DO ON BOARD

THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT CRUISE SHIP SHOWS

THE STRANGEST JOB ON A CRUISE SHIP

Don’t wait. Get in early for some of the best cruise deals.

IMPECCABLE TIMING

A voice in your head will be saying “get there early” – dump the bags and enjoy the ship on the first day. Ignore it. In most cases, arriving early will mean sitting or standing around a cavernous terminal for hours.

In Singapore, boarding mega ship Voyager of the Seas, we were called by colours. My paperwork told me my colour, and the time it would be called, but I was so clever I arrived much earlier to beat the queues. Some hours later, I meekly boarded at my allotted time, according to my colour.

Arriving late is a way to avoid crowds – I was literally last to board the christening cruise of Norwegian Bliss this year – but the anxiety of fearing you might miss the boat may not be worth it.

DISCREET DEBUT

The first night sailing is an adrenalin rush. You’re on holidays, everyone is a friend, the sail-away party music is blaring and the cocktails are flowing.

Some wine at dinner is fine then the afterparty at the nightclub is a rage, as a travel companion on HAL’s Ryndam found in Norway. Waking the next day hugging the lampshade you used as a hat is not such a rage. Nor is the raging hangover. Pace yourself on the first night so all the friends you made on day one are talking with you, not about you, on day 2.

The biggest rule is don’t miss the boat.

PRIVACY PLEASE

One of the delights of a river cruise is sitting in your room watching the scenery gently unfold, be it the Rhine Gorge, Egyptian villages or Mekong fisherfolk. Fling those curtains open, drink in the landscapes, then, as dark descends, savour the sunset. But please – PLEEAASSE – shut the curtains after dark. River ships on busy waterways tie up alongside each other at limited dock space, so guests have to traverse one, maybe several, ships to go ashore. Which means in the morning your ship may be moored cheek-by-jowl with another ship which arrived during the night.

As I found out once on Avalon Panorama on the Rhine, clambering out of bed in the nuddy and stretching in the privacy of my stateroom, only to realise my room, with curtain open, was smack against another ship’s restaurant at breakfast. Hello sailor!

HUNGER GAMES

You won’t go hungry on a cruise. From celebrity chefs putting their name to classy restaurants, to poolside barbecues, there is food aplenty. So when it comes to the buffet, show some class, Australia.

On a Mexican Riviera trip on Carnival Pride I saw hefty Americans with a plate of bacon in one hand and a plate of eggs and hash browns in the other at the breakfast buffet – it was enough to make me opt for fruit salad. I promise, if you have a modest buffet serving and are still hungry, there’ll be more for seconds. So don’t pile up the Chinese with some Mexican, shovel on pasta, with a dollop of salad, and prawns and oysters on top.

Float along the Rhine.

TRIPPING OUT

You may save a few dollars organising your own shore tours, even a taxi drive around town. And it is great to roam a city where the “old” town is close to the waterfront, enjoying a coffee in an outdoor cafe and watching the world go by. But beware traffic jams and breakdowns which may prevent you returning on time for departure.

Ships will wait for a group in an excursion booked through the line, but not for a random who is just late, with no phone contact. Deckside, I’ve seen people past their prime doing the Chariots of Fire slow motion run along the dock as they realise coming back late from their personal tour the truth that, when it comes to cruise ships sailing, “time and tide wait for no man”.

SELLICK’S LORE

Going over the equator? The date line? Somewhere vaguely tropical? Pack that Hawaiian shirt and sarong. You are on holidays and there is bound to be a tropical night.

On Legend of the Seas I crossed the equator with hilarious ceremonies involving King Neptune, “slimy polliwogs” and “honourable shellbacks”, and felt a right nerd in a pastel shirt while everyone was in party mode with Magnum P.I. shirts – check ahead and get into the spirit of things.

Pack right for themed nights.

GLAMAZONS

The great Aussie conundrum – what to wear if there is a formal night? Some disregard it, others doll up a little which is fine on most ships these days. My advice? Go the whole hog.

For many it is a rare occasion to dress to the nines, you can have terrific family/couples photos taken for a fraction of the price of a land photographer, and it really makes it a night to remember. It means packing extra – but this is a trip to remember. You’ll have the photos to prove it.

I have photo on my fridge from a Celebrity Solstice cruise in the Med – the two young Crouch men suave in black tie, my elegant wife looking like a star from The Young and the Restless. Heck, even I look passable.

AND IT’S ALL INCLUDED …

Meals in the main dining room, activities and entertainment are indeed included, making cruising great value. But you can rack up a farewell bill. Here are some add-ons you might pay for: drinks, spa treatments, shore excursions, specialty dining, boutiques, extra activities like cooking classes or wine tastings, bingo, laundry, coffees and ice creams from specialty outlets, photographs, gratuities, a casino flutter. Some of the more expensive lines include drinks, gratuities, even shore excursions.

I lived like a rock star on a Regent cruise off the French Riviera and left without owing a cent in extras. If drinks are not included, consider a drinks package. Otherwise, be prepared to end a wonderful holiday with the thud of a hefty bill delivered to your cabin on the final night.