The 12 things you should never do at an airport

While many of us craved the joy of travel through the pandemic, there are some airport behaviours that we definitely didn’t miss at all.

Finally, travel is back. But before that, there’s the airport and its miscreants who – mostly unwittingly – make the experience more annoying than it has to be. We’ve certainly all seen these fellow travellers and we may have even been these travellers.

But after the global travel reset that was the Covid pandemic, let’s try to not to go back to these bad behaviours.

1. Don’t skimp on the deodorant

From Australia, there are no short flights. Given the proximity of economy class, even subjecting someone to your funky stank on a Melbourne-Sydney jaunt is a tad rude. Add eight more hours to the trip and having to scurry between terminals and it becomes a cardinal travel sin.

Tip 1: If ever you find yourself wondering, ‘Is that smell me?’ chances are it is. Tip 2: The duty free carries deodorant, so treat yourself – and those around you.

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Deodorant. It’s a treat for you AND the people around you.

2. Don’t misread the dress code

This is Terminal One at Tullamarine, not the Met Ball red carpet. Having to shed a million layers, seven thousand accessories and assorted items with more metal than a Foo Fighters playlist will not only slow you down at security screening points but EVERYONE behind you. Trust us – you’re not going to get papped on arrival so err on the minimalist side.

3. Don’t harass the cafe staff

Fact 1: Yes, $9.50 for a days-old croissant with sweaty cheese and ham that’s curling at the edges is an affront to all that is decent. Fact 2: The teenager serving it to you didn’t come up with the pricing structure.

4. Don’t think you’ll beat the X-ray machine

The rules about the size of items you can take aboard as carry-on have been in place for years. Ditto transparent containers. Point is, not only will you not need a two-litre pack of moisturiser between here and Bali, the scanning equipment will flag it quicker than you can say, ‘Oh my gosh – how did that get in there?’

It will be confiscated and disposed of, the argument you have with the staff who are just doing their jobs will add time and stress to your fellow passengers and, ultimately, you should simply know better by now. And don’t try to sneak booze on either. Not only is it included in your fare but have some class will you?

The X-ray machine sees every indiscretion and two-litre bottle of moisturiser.

5. Don’t think you’ll fool the scales either

Chances are, you’ve got a scale somewhere in your house. Pop your bags on it before you leave. If you’re in a hotel and had a bit of a shopping spree, look for the free ones in airports before heading to the check-in counter. As with the croissants, the person informing you that your baggage weighs too much didn’t come up with the policy. Nor did they wake up that morning deciding that you personally were going to be their target for the day.

Point is, if you think you’re over there are plenty of ways to find out before you get to the check-in desk. That’s the time to redistribute gear among your various suitcases. Not while there’s a queue behind you watching the minutes tick away to their flight.

6. Don’t stare daggers at parents travelling with noisy kids

You know what? Once you were that screaming child who kicked the seat in front from Cairns to Melbourne. You’re on holiday now. Chill. The parents around you know the effect their kids are having. But that’s what kids do. Parents are doing their best, so the irritated looks or unwarranted comments are just mean.

Maybe the kid is crying because he saw the price of the ham and cheese croissants.

7. Don’t wait to strip

As that line inches towards the screening point, don’t be that person who is taken by surprise at what they have actually been queuing to do. Newsflash: You can have your laptop out of the bag, your belt off, your phone handy and those coins in your pocket all in a little pile so that everything can be popped into the grey plastic tray immediately. You knew the whole time this was what going to happen.

Similarly, you can take the tray a few metres away once it’s returned so you don’t hold up the line as you check you’ve got the belt back through every single loop. Or you could even note point two and not wear a belt. After all, track pants have really come into their own through the pandemic.

8. Don’t treat travelators as rides

For the love of all that’s decent in this world, STAND. TO. THE. LEFT. The people rushing by you on travelators are operating on fine margins for connecting flights or desperate to get some blood into their legs after 18 hours in a cramped seat. Let them. And don’t even think about doing the side-by-side thing. Sheesh.

9. Don’t try to cadge an upgrade or lounge access

As charming as you think you are, the days of random upgrades from economy are long gone. The people who do score these rare gems usually have billions of frequent flyer points, are platinum-something status and put so much money into the specific airline that they are flagged early. In other words, probs not you and your winning smile that ladies just can’t resist. The same applies at lounges. Think of them as a supermodel’s bedroom.

It’s 2021. The days of random upgrades are over.

Either you’re entitled to be there or you’re not. What’s more, the staff can get in serious trouble for letting in someone who’s not meant to be there. Do you really want to risk someone’s employment for an average bain-marie selection?

10. Don’t jump up the minute the plane lands

But I’ve got a connecting flight, we hear you whinge. Here is something that might blow your mind – the staff on your flight are actually in communications with their counterparts on the ground and will let them know your situation. Bolting forwards just makes it more difficult for others to retrieve their own bags and subjects them to being eye level with your impatient arse. Trust us, that’s a view nobody wants.

11. Don’t crowd the baggage carousel

It’s the worst kind of domino effect. As soon as one bloke steps so close to the baggage carousel that his shins are touching the silver edge, no one behind can see what’s coming. So they have to step forward. And so on and so on. Until it’s a mosh pit sponsored by Samsonite. Think of the carousel as a Monet – you need to retreat a touch to get the full picture.

Fun fact: You’ll still get your bag even if your legs aren’t physically touching the carousel.

12. Don’t put your phone on loudspeaker mode

When you’re at the crowded gate or waiting to take off, spare your fellow passengers the details of your latest work stoush/smear result/explanation to your mum as to why you’re still single.

Put the phone up to your ear or invest in some headphones.

This article first appeared on escape.com.au and is reproduced here with permission