‘Fake’: Paris find will disgust Aussie snobs

An egregious attempt by Parisians to lure in unsuspecting Aussies is spilling over. James Weir slips in the spilled milk.

James Weir in Paris

2 min read

July 28, 2024 - 9:16AM

An egregious attempt by Parisians to lure in unsuspecting Aussies is spilling over. Picture: NCA

Parisians are proving they’re all froth and no substance as cafes around the Olympic Games host city are busted trying to lure unsuspecting Aussie tourists with fake flat whites.

The iconic Australian beverage has found its way onto menus in the French capital, listed for around $4 alongside cappuccinos and other caffeinated beverages more traditional to the country, like noisettes (a shot of espresso with a splash of foamy milk).

The only problem? They’re fake flatties. Big fat phony foamies.

“A flat white is now becoming a global drink and the more generic coffee places or bistros have decided to whack it on the menu because they see it as a valuable item, but not a lot of them know how to make one,” says Fox McInerney, a Melburnian who moved to Paris 14 years ago and opened Good News Coffee, a cafe offering true blue flatties for five euros.

His reasons for moving to the city were simple: “I like cheese, wine and bread.”

But there was a hitch. The coffee was le worst. “So I had to fix that.”

An egregious attempt by Parisians to lure in unsuspecting Aussies is spilling over. Picture: NCA

His one-man mission is noble. Still, the fake flatties are popping up like caffeinated whack-a-moles around the city.

The problems with the French flatties are many: too hot, too foamy. And, more often than not, they come out of a machine with a one-touch button, like 7-11.

At a chic looking bistro near the Arc de Triomphe, behind the picturesque red awning and cute rattan chairs, a dark secret lurks on the menu.

“CAPPUCCINO/LATTE/FLAT WHITE”

The three beverages are listed as if they’re all interchangeable - different names for the exact same thing.

An order is placed: a cappuccino and a flat white.

When the drinks arrive, they look identical. The more inferior of the choices isn’t differentiated with its usual brown chocolate powered sprinkles.

How can a city so chic get this trés wrong?

“Paris is known for their cafe culture - but their coffee sucks,” says Jay Swanson, a YouTuber who posts Paris-centric city guide videos (“helping Australian’s how to find a good flat white”).

“There’s a culture around here where coffee is a medicine - you’re buying your space at a table. It’s buying your space at a cafe and having that slow moment alone that’s more important to the French. What’s in the cup doesn’t matter to them.

How can a city so chic get this tres wrong?

Fake flatties are popping up like caffeinated whack-a-moles.

“If you go to America and they’re happy with their box wine, they don’t know the difference between their Malbec and Merlot. To them, coffee is just a commodity.”

When Australian book editor Richard Bilkey first moved to the French capital a decade ago, he noticed the city indeed had a cafe culture but “the coffee was shit”.

“French people didn’t want to spend more than a euro on an espresso,” he says.

“One coffee was just a cheap brown liquid that you bought and smashed it at the bar.”

But, over the years, he has also noticed the appearance of flat whites on le menu.

“There are a lot of places that say they’re doing a flat white but they don’t know what it is or how it’s made. Now, they know they need to say (they offer) flat whites but they don’t know how to make it.”