‘Ripped his d**k out’: Singles mixer at wild Aussie desert festival goes south

Aussie rocker Jimmy Barnes declared this wild desert gig as the best festival ever. But was it also the best place to find love? James Weir recaps.

Jimmy Barnes blew the dust off the Simpson Desert last night when he closed the world’s most remote music festival with a performance in front of 11,000 punters – but was it also the best place to find love?

It was a set that was almost as explosive as the event’s secret underground singles scene – that resulted in a lot more than just mingling.

In true rock star style, Barnsey (not the guy who ripped his d**k out, just to be clear) flew into the red dirt town of Birdsville by private jet. And the rock ’n’ roll behaviour was only supercharged as the almost-two hour set wore on and ended in a wild call to arms that earned more rapturous applause than Khe Sanh, Flame Trees and Working Class Man combined.

“It’s like a f***in’ city out there!” Barnsey yelled as he looked out at the sea of fans crowding the arena surrounded by more than 4000 campsites.

Jimmy Barnes said the Big Red Bash music festival was the best he’d ever played. Picture: Matt Williams

“It’s so isolated we can do anything we want! This is the best festival I’ve ever played! We should do our own version of Burning Man but we can all pick who we wanna burn! Just find someone who’s pissin’ you off, put ’em on a cross and burn ’em!”

It was a joke … maybe. Either way, the crowd went nuts. A random poll of 100 punters who were stampeding away from the stage in a cloud of dust after Barnsey’s encore resulted in one unanimous response describing the gig: “F**kin’ awesome!”

But when a rock concert ends in the desert at 8.15pm on a Thursday, there’s only one question: Where’s the kick-on? There are no pubs. And, more importantly, no access to Tinder.

To meet someone special, one must resort to desperate measures. Enter Alyssa Walsh – a Bundaberg-born “basher” who taped a sign to a pole emblazoned with a hand-scrawled message: “SINGLES MEET AT 8.30PM.”

Alyssa Walsh did her best as matchmaker, with her singles meet-up at Big Red Bash. Picture: Peter Murray

A Facebook group she launched in the lead-up also resulted in 224 members putting their hands up to take part. It even led to an early spark for Alyssa with a guy who DMed her.

“When we were passing through Birdsville on the way out to the festival site, there were a lot of line-ups in town [for supplies]. I was in the fuel line for three hours,” she said.

“He messaged and said he was in the bakery line. I’m like, “I need a loaf of bread and a camel pie. Then he moved onto the coffee line and got me a latte. Then met me in the fuel line.

“We made a meeting for 5pm Tuesday afternoon and we walked up the sand dune – I nearly died getting to the top, but that’s OK. It was absolutely beautiful. We got to the top and watched the sun set.”

Red dirt and a setting sun – what could be more romantic? Picture: Matt Williams

In those seconds just before the sun disappeared and the thousands of miles of red dirt turned to grey, everything seemed perfect. Until it wasn’t.

“I thought, ‘Wow, for a first date this is great.’ But when we met up at the singles party later, I heard him say to someone he’s never been on a date,” she scrunched her face in annoyance. “And I said, ‘What the hell was that this afternoon, then?’ I’m like, ‘Obviously that was a date! We went to the top of Big Red – what else could it be?’ It wasn’t two mates just meeting up! It was a moment of moments. But, look, if it becomes something, great, and if it doesn’t, then it just gets me ready for the next one.”

No relationship is ever perfect. Love comes with high highs and low lows. It’s about showing patience and respect. That’s why Alyssa was willing to put this early red flag aside. Especially when the guy continued to show interest.

“So he stalked my campsite and he walked past my campsite twice. He came in, he met my dad, my dad gave him a beer. He’s met my son. He sat by my campfire. And then he’s like, ‘Anyway, I’m going to bed.’”

Alyssa hasn’t seen him since.

Thousands flocked to the Birdsville festival. Picture: Matt Williams

Concertgoers even set a new world record for the largest Nutbush City Limits dance. Picture: Matt Williams

The sudden disappearance of a man in Outback Australia would usually raise alarm but authorities ruled the incident as a classic case of commitment phobia. We sadly lose on average 57,538 men to commitment phobia each year.

Still, Alyssa is optimistic.

“I’m looking for The One. I’m not looking for one-night-stands – I can get that at any pub I go to,” she shrugged.

That’s why her unofficial singles party at the Big Red Bash is vital. All grassroots ventures experience wobbles in their infancy. And a singles mixer in the desert isn’t immune.

About 11,000 punters turned up to the desert music festival. Picture: Neil Donovan

They were there to let loose. Picture: Neil Donovan

While Tuesday’s inaugural meet-up attracted about 60 singles between the ages of 25 and 55, one attendee got the wrong idea when he read the hand-scrawled sign on the post.

“We had a gentleman from Tamworth rip his d*ck out in front of all the ladies and all the lads and asked us to count the piercings in his d*ck. There were so many I couldn’t count. But it was a vision I’ll never get out of my head.

“He had to put it back in – but I’m pretty sure he had to tuck it up to get it in.”

It was the real-life version of receiving an unsolicited d*ck pic on a dating app. But Wednesday attracted a more subdued crowd.

“Better personalities and a lot more girls – more people wanting to make actual connections,” Alyssa said.

And news.com.au can confirm from personal experience that it was a raging success.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir