Just a few suggestions for J.J.Abrams' new Star Wars films

On the eve of J.J. Abrams release of Star Trek Into Darkness, AskMen explores what he must do on his next project handling the Star Wars universe.

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SO Disney bought up Star Wars and J.J. Abrams is going to make Episode VII.

Ordinarily, that might be a 50/50 split that could go either way. In this context though, things can only go up. Episodes I-III were coarse and rough and irritating and somehow got everywhere, not wholly unlike a substance such as sand. We have no doubt J.J. will make everything soft and smooth again, like he did with Star Trek. While our faith in him is justified, we do have some small and humble requests and we know he reads the site, so.

No.10 Jar-Jar Binks is killed instantly

The opening scene should be a marvelous throwback to the who-shot-first Han vs. Greedo? sit-off of yore. In the dead corner, Jar-Jar Binks. In the other, who cares? Just so long as they are a callous murderer and don’t just shoot this thing, but go the extra step and pluck those ears from his head and make them into a balloon tauntaun. Jar-Jar would then collapse to the floor bleeding profusely from his head-stumps and in incredible agony, tongue lolling out of his mouth and eyes rolling back, not even a statistic anybody ever remembers. This movie is going to rule.



No.9 Darth Maul returns

Nobody cares how you do it, J.J. Abrams. Just do it.

No.8 Starkiller

…or, failing Darth Maul Mysteriously Alive or Son of Darth Maul or whatever hackneyed Hollywood continuum is available that day at lunch, let’s make those Force Unleashed games good for something. Galen “Starkiller” Marek is the baddest-assed Sith guy of all time* [*come at us], and his lightsaber is not a vacuum cleaner handle like Dooku’s. It makes absolutely no sense that he should appear in these new movies given he carks it pre-Galactic Civil War, but he’s already flaunting sense by holding his lightsaber upside down. Also, Vader clones him so there is that, ah-ha, checkmate, jerks.

No.7 Weird incest lite for the mainstream

Chloë Grace Moretz dropped the C-word in Kick-Ass, age 14. This is the logical next step for her. She hasn’t been cast yet but come on. Remember how George Lucas insidiously introduced an entire generation to incest lite when Luke gets a saber-on for Leia and they kiss and later, surprise, related? Via the saucy medium of sci-fi, no less. To our knowledge their feelings never dimmed either, they just conveniently forgot about them so you could stop feeling gradually uncomfortable.

No.6 An Aayla Secura equivalent

There’s a reason you always see chicks cosplaying hot slave Leia, and that’s because hot slave Leia. But it’s also because there’s not many other options. Star Wars isn’t exactly sexy, and when it is, it’s also tricking you with incest. That there svelte blue Jedi Aayla Secura, you know, with the squid head? Oddly attractive? She gets less than twelve parsecs of screen time before she’s brutally lasered down in Revenge of the Sith. What? Replacement Twi’lek lady, stat.

No.5 Tech that has moved so far forward it is actually good

Did it feel somewhat ridonkulous to everyone that all the CGI starships and pew-pew in episodes I-III seemed frighteningly more advanced than the rickety models held up by strings in episodes IV-VI, which take place some years later? Sure it did, that was a weird oversight. Being that episodes VII onwards are going to rock and/or roll circa even later, the technology must be simply astounding. No pressure, but lasers you can’t casually dodge might be an alright idea.

No.4 Jedi Ewoks

Even a shrivelled up marsh dwarf like Yoda can dismember a man and wave his hands around to create excellence, so what about these little guys? The Force is clearly equal opportunity. They’d be the perfect insurgents. Look at them, they’re stupid and should be on a shelf in a tourism store. Nobody would expect the Ewok. Jedi Ewoks would be the equivalent of an adorable pug that then explodes, an idea we’ve had for some time now.

No.3 Grandfatherly advice

If Star Wars is three parts and one part is incest and one part is not many women, then the last part would be old guys telling people things. When Alec Guinness flutters his robes and tells Luke intensely of the past, that’s a moment right there. When Liam Neeson reminds Obi-Wan to live in the moment itself, that’s intense. The show simply can't go on without an old guy in a brown bathrobe speaking wisely of the world and then dying.

No.2 Casual misuse of the Force

Whoever the lead ends up being, we hope he or she is a young Jedi and a bit of a douchebag, just like a young Jedi probably would be. The amount of inappropriate things the Force is good for... and Luke never once waved a soggy Mentos into Chewbacca’s hair and then pointed at Han.

“I say, my space ale is slightly out of reach,” aaand Force grab. As if you wouldn’t. Things being slightly out of reach is the most annoying anything in the galaxy.

No.1 The symbolic demise of George Lucas

Create it he did, lost his mind really quickly he also did. Now, we’re not suggesting that anybody actually strike down George Lucas. Dot dot dot. But if a Hutt with a curious tangle of grey curls and weary director eyewear were to inadvertently find its three hundred chins pincushioned on the end of twenty lightsabers, then we may choose to interpret that in a way that is very pleasing to us.

Star Trek Into Darkness opens Thursday 25 April

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