Adelaide Zoo randy pandas Wang Wang and Funi are nookie rookies. Oh well, there’s always next year

THIS randy panda at Adelaide Zoo had one job. Alas, he has failed. It’s going to be a long 364 days till next time for Wang Wang.

WANG Wang, you had one job. No one asked much of you. Your simple task was to get up close and personal with Funi, pander to her every need (ha!) and make some little Wang Wangs.

By using your, well, you know, your wang wang.

Ahem. Hopefully somebody with taste edits that bit out.

Wang Wang and Funi are Adelaide Zoo’s pandas. They’re the only breeding couple in the entire southern hemisphere who have been placed in captivity together from a young age in order to become a breeding pair.

“Most zoos that receive pandas usually receive one that has previously bred so they are able to show the other one what to do,” Adelaide Zoo’s Alison Hassel tells news.com.au.

These two, being nookie rookies, have to work things out for themselves. And so far, that’s not going so well.

No Wang Wang, you idiot. That’s garbage Funi’s up the other end of the enclosure. Pic Mark Brake

“She’s eight and he’s nine, but that doesn’t mean they’re sexually mature. They’re young adults and don’t really know what they’re doing.

“So this year, what we saw is that Wang Wang really displayed dominant mature panda breeding behaviour. He was more focused and in charge and taking all opportunities to mount Funi or hold her into position, but that takes practicse.”

Pandas have a tiny breeding window. Females only ovulate once a year for 36 hours, which means that “that time of the month” is prettty much “that time of the year” for them.

Maybe Funi was just not in the mood this week. Than again, it’s possible Wang Wang was clumsy and a little over-eager like so many young, sexually mature males.

Or who knows? Maybe he’s just a bit of a jerk or asomething.

“No, he’s a real handsome devil,” Alison Hassel insists. “They do get along very well. They’re quite compatible and we’re lucky because some institutions revceive pairs who fight.

Wait a minute, but what about the make up sex after fighting?

Funi checks her reflection to make sure she’s extra gorgeous, but Wang Wang is just not quite up to the task. Pic Mark Brake.

Alison could no offer no comment on the likelihood of that occurring. She did, however, tell us that pandas born in captivity are actually quite rare. Only 40 or 50 zoos outside China have breeding pairs, and there were just three born last year. And that was considered a good year.

Perhaps next year Wang Wang will have a bit more luck with the bang bang.