‘Beef jerky’: Olympic moment instantly ages us
Ready to feel old? This Olympic event attracted a grandstand full of punters who can only be described as The Blink 182 crowd. James Weir supplies them with some Olay Regenerist.
One event at the Olympics has instantly aged Y2K kids in what can only be described as a mondo mind-warp, duuude.
The skateboarding competition at Le Concorde in Paris saw 51-year-old British star of the concrete bowl Andy Macdonald compete as the sport’s oldest-ever Olympian while his childhood mate and board-grinding legend Tony Hawk, 59, watched on.
It confirmed one thing: Avril Lavigne’s proverbial sk8r boi is now a sk8r dad.
Cheering in the bleachers was the Blink 182 crowd. The old bros in backwards caps were kings of the skatepark in their day – or at least the virtual skatepark, where they spent every afternoon while playing the Tony Hawk Pro Skater video game on PS2.
These dudes lived off a teenage diet of Sunkist and Lays. Summer holidays were spent reading Mad magazine and making out with hot chicks named Roxy while music clips played in the background on MTV. They still know the lyrics to every Red Hot Chili Peppers song.
Like in their teens, their bodies remain gawky and tanned. Knobbly elbows poking out the sleeves of the baggy T-shirts that hang from their bony frames. Hair shaggier than ever. And are those the same Oakley sunnies they were wearing in 2002?
The only major difference is, now, their skin is distinctly leathery and those wisps of hair sweeping out below their wrinkled ears are flecked with silver. Apparently it’s not punk rock to use an overnight retinol serum.
These days, they have more responsibilities than they did in their youth. Bills. Work deadlines. … Staying hydrated.
“Lube up those internal organs,” the stoner-voiced announcer at the skate bowl advised the old bros in the crowd, guiding them towards the free water refill stations.
“You don’t want rusty lips.”
Too late, bro. But whatever.
That’s when Aussie skate prodigy Keegan Palmer, 21, whizzed into the bowl like a gold medal-winning Bart Simpson.
“That was a sick nose grind … Slaying it! Check out that gnarly grind transfer! Da whattttt??” The announcer spat out references that seemed ripped from a two decade-old teen movie.
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Then he issued another message to the decrepit dudes in the crowd.
“Go hydrate so your skin doesn’t look like a piece of beef jerky.”
Facebook: @hellojamesweir
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