NRL season preview: Why your team has absolutely no chance

As the 2024 NRL season prepares to get underway, we underline exactly why you should not be excited about your team’s premiership chances.

The NRL season is right around the corner. Pic: Getty

COMMENT

With rampant player turnover and a surge of Integrity Unit cases to come after Vegas, season 2024 offers renewed optimism for all NRL fans.

And here’s why that optimism is false.

The only place to watch both games of the Las Vegas opening double-header live is Fox League, available on Kayo. New to Kayo? Start your free trial today >

Panthers: Many believe the only thing that can stop this juggernaut now is complacency or liquidation. But surely years of roster attrition are due to take a toll? This squad is already struggling to prepare for life without their premiership winning five-eighth, and rightly so. Forget about a four-peat, because you don’t just replace someone like Jack Cogger overnight.

Souths: When Souths are flying, rugby league is flying. And that’s why the game’s popularity soared last year when they flew in to a tailspin. Can they correct course? Jack Wighton is a fine acquisition but is no pilot, Latrell Mitchell is always grounded and Lachlan Ilias navigates like a hedgehog without sonar. Nothing in these turbines but hot air.

Penrith fans shouldn’t expect a repeat of this view any time soon. Picture: Tim Hunter.

Roosters: Trent Robinson has been exalted as a divine extension of God, but after failing to make the top four since 2020, he’s starting to resemble a seasoned evangelist conman. Despite this, his side continues to fail upwards in betting markets, even though you’d be better off investing in something with more future, like dial-up.

Broncos: Kevin Walters was a bee’s inch from silverware last year after an epic burst of catwalk footy had Penrith on their knees. But after waking up alone in a pool of his own tears 20 minutes later, how will he rebound without Herbie Farnworth, Tom Flegler and Kurt Capewell, all while carrying an ageing halfback? They can’t rely on Allan Langer calling the shots forever.

Titans: Let this franchise be a warning about acting on an intrusive thought. This licence could’ve gone to Perth or charity, yet 17 years on we’re preparing for another season of predictable meh. Yes, Des Hasler will impart his trademark style, although nowadays this is mostly perilous contracts and lawsuits.

Bulldogs: Phil Gould has spent the off-season replacing all the terrible contracts he signed with NSW Cup players and now this club’s identity is even *more* of a mystery. They can’t be the “The Family Club” or “The Dogs of War” and they sure as hell aren’t “The Entertainers”. What’s a fancy word for “too many utilities and trains too hard”? Whatever it is, incorporate it in your prayers for Cameron Ciraldo.

Gus has done ... something. Picture: Julian Andrews

Dragons: Shane Flanagan will need witchcraft in his first season, with the joint venture now the most career-limiting club on the open market. Besides Ben Hunt, Zac Lomax and that bloke with the soul patch, naming any player of note in the Red V is like asking an Australian to name a Keith Urban song.

Dolphins: Wayne Bennett engineered a wondrous debut season for the Dolphins, and make no mistake, this year he’ll have his squad focused on the sole task at hand: securing him another job. Can Farnworth, Tom Flegler and Jake Averillo add the class to graduate this side to the top eight? Probably not. But at least Wayne will be okay.

Tigers: The first coach to earn a head coach role through erosion, Benji Marshall is the latest victim tasked with navigating the pitch-black dystopia of this club’s putrid existence. After finally prising free from Justin Pascoe and Lee Hangipantelis, the vibes are already positive. But aren’t they always? Fans know they’re probably a false flag, and that’s why they are aiming low. They’ll be happy if Api Koroisau isn’t worked to exhaustion, 2024 Justin Olam doesn’t play like 2023 Justin Olam, and the season ends without paying half of Jahream Bula’s contract to play for the Roosters.

I’m not leaving. (Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images)

Wayne is just looking for another contract.

Storm: After years of habitual premierships, the Storm now struggle with the first world problem of unconsummated top four finishes. Is this a roster management issue? Has Craig Bellamy lost his aura? Or is it punishment from God for years of aiding and abetting Queensland? Yes, their spine is tremendous and Ryan Papenhuyzen is due some good luck, but there’s a reason Bellamy keeps delaying his retirement: pity.

Eels: The season hasn’t begun yet and Brad Arthur is already under scrutiny. And why not? With a squad that’s ageing and dour, it’s already a perfect reflection of Wayne Bennett. Another cruel winter awaits of dominating Penrith when it doesn’t matter while Clint Gutherson tirelessly scampers on a mouse wheel to the mirth of opposition fans, before all ending with Arthur farewelled in the hope of revitalising the squad with a 105 year old whippet.

Cowboys: With Reuben Cotter and Tom Dearden named as new joint captains, one thing’s for sure: Todd Payten still isn’t getting along with Jason Taumalolo. After appearing on the cusp of a premiership window two years ago, this team is back treating footy like a contractual obligation. Gone so far in reverse they could end up back in the 9:30pm Saturday slot.

Not another year of this. (Photo by Mark Nolan/Getty Images)

Raiders: Great chance to reboot to a new life of fifth tackles ending without the Jack Lottery. Ruefully, however, a pack throbbing with brawn and strike will not be enough to compensate for a spine in flux and a backline of dicky fingers. More chance backing one of Ricky Stuart’s gollies to go further.

Manly: Once a club so decadent it acted like it deserved an international airport, Manly now runs on oily rags and Turbo fumes. Their chances will be revealed in round one when Tom Trbojevic proves whether or not he can survive a 28-hour flight without disintegrating in cabin pressure. The signing of Luke Brooks provides hope, but only if he’s there to donate his calves to Tom. One positive piece of news though; newly-engaged brother Jake Trbojevic can safely book his wedding for grand final day.

Warriors: After shocking the world with an insanely successful 2023, everyone agrees that because it’s the Warriors, it surely can’t happen again.

Knights: A club that can’t have nice things. Surged home last year on 1997 vibes before bombing out to the Warriors with 2016 vibes. With Adam O’Brien secure and Kalyn Ponga unleashing an all-new rig, many judges believe their premiership window is open. But it’s probably just a broken skylight in the Joey Johns Stand.

Sharks: Cronulla is the most stable it’s been in years. A settled squad with minimal turnover. A respected coach. A Dally M medallist halfback. No Matt Moylan. With another easy draw beckoning, there’s no reason this side can’t end the season again collapsing with September anaphylaxis.

Dane Eldridge is a warped cynic yearning for the glory days of rugby league, a time when the sponges were magic and the Mondays were mad. He’s never strapped on a boot in his life, and as such, should be taken with a grain of salt.