‘Horrendous’: Fans gearing for worst finals series in history

Worrying details about the NRL finals system shows why there is something very wrong with this year’s finals series.

The NRL finals series launch in Sydney. Picture: Richard Dobson.

COMMENT

Packed with pretenders, failing tyrants and horrendous for-and-againsts, this year’s top eight stinks like the inside of a cab.

In fact, it’s so flyblown that it’s mathematically possible all eight sides could bow out in straight sets.

Here’s why.

Canberra Raiders

Some clubs have barnstormed in to the top eight, others squatted. In the Raiders case, they have trespassed.

With two wins from their last seven and a squad thinner than Matt Frawley’s salad, this side is literally here to make up the numbers.

Watch every game of The 2023 NRL Telstra Finals Series before the Grand Final Live & Ad-Break Free During Play on Kayo Sports. Join now and start streaming instantly >

Even Ricky Stuart admitted that “nobody expected us to be here”, and he has the nuanced judgment of Jai Arrow’s dog.

Sydney Roosters

Almost as mystifying as Souths’ tailspin but much more First World, mystery surrounds how a side can make the finals despite playing two-thirds of the year like disinterested trust-fund teens.

James Tedesco’s team have no right to be there. Picture: NRL Photos.

Put simply, the Roosters qualification is a blight on the top eight system and the participation ribbon farce it’s become, and labelling them a ‘finalist’ after they weaseled in by beating five also-rans is like going on a sightseeing tour of the White House and calling yourself the President.

Cronulla Sharks

Won their only competition in 2016 due to a soft finals draw and the same question marks remain today. They can’t compete with top eight sides, and last time I checked, the top eight is full of them.

Newcastle Knights

Slipped past security to find themselves beyond the velvet rope for the first time in forever. You know it’s only a matter of time before they’re too hepped-up on strawberry milkshakes and Henny Penny.

Team captains Tyson Frizell from the Newcastle Knights, James Tedesco from the Sydney Roosters, Nathan Cleary from the Penrith Panthers, Wade Graham from the Cronulla Sharks and Jarrod Croker from the Canberra Raiders at the NRL finals series launch. Picture: Richard Dobson.

And rest assured, even if they embark on a fairytale run, the NRL will snuff it out quick-sticks. That’s because the risk of Tyson Gamble winning the Clive Churchill Medal is too great. If there’s a protest, who’s boycotting who?

New Zealand Warriors

The atmosphere at Wahs games this year has been so electric that everyone within a 5km radius has lost their sense of smell.

Sadly however, the ‘N’ in ‘NRL’ doesn’t stand for ‘New Zealand’ or ‘Neurological Terrorism.’

And if you think their private jet will make a difference to their fortunes, think again.

Have you ever been to Accor Stadium? Even the airspace requires three line changes.

They’ll be lucky to make it over Lidcombe Oval.

Melbourne Storm

David vs Goliath. Picture: Richard Dobson.

As crooked as a pubic hair and twice as hard to shake off, the Storm have been stubbornly stuck to September for too long.

But after enduring three barren years without a trophy, they are now like the new strain of covid. They could probably sink grandad, but other than that, nobody’s scared of them.

Brisbane Broncos

Not only have they drawn an opponent they haven’t beaten since the moon landing, this exciting young Broncos side is simply not mature enough yet to challenge for the title.

The cumulative age of the backline is barely enough to buy a pack of smokes, and Reece Walsh is too busy chasing referees like a cameraman from A Current Affair.

Penrith Panthers

It’s true; the Panthers have won approximately 358 premierships in a row.

But following the loss of Jarome Luai, they find themselves over-reliant on a one-man spine that is one injury away from catastrophe.

Yep, they would be stuffed if they lost Mitch Kenny again. This bloke was born to tackle. Just look at his head — it’s flatter than a Tazo.

You cant lose such a talismanic force and still three-peat, and that’s even budgeting for Dylan Edwards’ 190 assists.

— Dane Eldridge is a warped cynic yearning for the glory days of rugby league, a time when the sponges were magic and the Mondays were mad. He’s never strapped on a boot in his life, and as such, should be taken with a grain of salt.