The Ashes Files: The new David Warner, Darren Lehmann’s happy returns and Kevin Pietersen v Chris Gayle

NEWS and nonsense ahead of the Ashes: the UK view, how scared are the Poms, Kevin Pietersen’s diary and the series explained in bad Venn diagrams.

Stephen Wilson

7 min read

June 19, 2015 - 6:25PM

2nd Test - Australia v West Indies: Day 4

ROUNDING up all the news, views and nonsense ahead of Australia’s defence of the urn in England this winter.

Jason Gillespie marks England’s card, many happy returns for Darren Lehmann, David Warner goes all quiet, the latest instalment from Kevin Pietersen’s alternative Ashes diary and more besides.

ASHES SCOUT — WANTED: A FRONTLINE SPINNER FOR ENGLAND

ASHES FIESTA! TIPS FOR POMS ON SPANISH SOJOURN

WILL RESTING HARRIS END UP HURTING AUSTRALIA?

WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED

Dizzy’s fatherly advice for England

Jason Gillespie may have been overlooked for the England gig in favour of Trevor Bayliss, but he hasn’t let his obviously pre-planned first Test pep-talk go to waste, delivering it to British tabloid The Daily Mirror instead of in the Cardiff changing rooms.

With Australia short-priced favourites in the series, Dizzy has spotted a chink in the World Cup champions’ armour: their advancing years.

“England should look at Australia and go: ‘Hang on a minute they’ve got a 37-year-old keeper [Brad Haddin],” Gillespie told the paper.

Brad Haddin — World Cup winner, but definitely not as young as Jos Butler

“They’ve got a 37-year-old opening batter [Chris Rogers], their captain [Michael Clarke] has got a glass back and they’ve got a fast bowler — Ryan Harris — who’s 35 years of age and who’s got a dodgy knee’.

“They’re Dad’s Army. I’d be thinking ‘let’s keep them out in the field’.

Gillespie has split loyalties this winter with no less than six of his Yorkshire squad likely to feature at some stage.

The Ashes Files can’t help but see parallels between Dizzy’s local-pleasing tub-thumping and how our own local media greeted the English world No. 1 ranked Rugby union team to our shores back in 2003. And we all know how that ended …

What a difference two years make

The Australian team’s arrival in England this week marks a significant anniversary for the current squad. It was two years ago this week that Micky Arthur’s fractious reign finally ended and Australia turned, weeks before the start of the 2013 Ashes series, to the A-squad’s batting coach to try and turn things around quick smart.

Darren Lehmann — an upgrade on Micky Arthur and then some

The 3-0 series defeat, flattering though it was to England, proved that Darren Lehmann was no miracle worker. The following two years suggested otherwise — he just needed more than 16 days to work his magic.

To say the team has changed since then is an understatement. Steve Smith was yet to register his first Test ton, even David Warner only had three to his name, while Mitchell Johnson was still in the process of changing opinions of his ability within England’s boorish Barmy Army (something he has emphatically made it is business to do again and again ever since). A series win in South Africa and a World Cup triumph have been secured since, too.

But more than that, Boof has revived the spirit of the Australian team, freeing them from system-based shackles and bringing the fun and swashbuckling emphasis on attack back.

Happy anniversary, Darren, here’s to the next two years.

Don’t give up the day jobs

Sky Sports in the UK has got all excited about the series, commissioning a special Ashes-themed reworking of the Billy Joel classic ‘We didn’t start the fire’ for the occasion, including more instances of middle-aged men in suits awkwardly joining in than you’d see on a wedding reception dancefloor where they aren’t serving alcohol yet.

Changing man

Whisper it quietly, but Dave Warner is a changed man. Chippy, mouthy and punchy no more (much to the relief of Joe Root, no doubt), Warner, now married and a father, has decided less is more when it comes to sledging.

Those in an around the camp during the recent tour of West Indies noted a different kind of Warner, quiet both on and off the field. All very worthy, you might think, but if you take the mongrel out of the man, might that affect his batting?

Not a bit of it, reckons Warner. In fact that’s the very point. He’s keeping his verbal powder dry precisely to save his energy for battering the ball rather than opponents’ ear drums.

“My approach the last couple of weeks, I sat down and had a think about what lies ahead for me and how much cricket there is coming up over the next 18 to 24 months. For me it’s about conserving my energy,” Warner revealed in an interview with ESPN while in the Caribbean.

David Warner — husband, father, diplomat, thinker ...

“I’ve quietened down a little bit around the guys, and it’s more about myself for the longevity of my career and giving your all when you’re actually out there for Australia.

“In the past I’ve been someone who’s been told to go out there and do this and do that, but at the end of the day I’ve got to look after myself … [now] if I don’t want to be that instigator, I don’t have to be that instigator.”

How long Warner’s vow of silence will last in the white heat of an Ashes battle remains to be seen but we’re all for self-improvement and wish him well (while placing a few cheeky bucks on him losing a hefty portion of at least one of his match fees in England).

In case you’ve forgotten

Kevin Pietersen still really, really, wants to play for England … Really.

“I’m still desperate to help England try & beat Aus this summer & continue to help the young crop of batters in the years to come, whilst I still love putting my pads on,” Pietersen told the selectors via the medium of an Instagram post, before shamelessly attempting to tug at the evil ECB selectors’ heart strings, imploring them to think of the children. Or, specifically, his children …

“Another thing I really wanted, was for [his son] Dylan to see me playing for England. I hope he does one day!”

Good luck with that KP.

THE PHONY WAR

England’s finest are getting their war paint on …

Busy day in Make Up! @aggerscricket @philtufnell @Swannyg66 pic.twitter.com/tkM3V4Saqy
â€” AlisonMitchell (@AlisonMitchell) June 11, 2015

VIEW FROM OVER THERE

Excitement is building within England’s Fourth Estate after a recent mini-revival in form for the Poms, so much so that stand in coach Paul Farbrace reckons his side don’t even worry about the opposition any more, and the Daily Express felt no qualms about heading up their piece on new boss Trevor Bayliss by saying they are ready to ‘unleash the big guns for an assault on the Ashes’.

“We haven’t talked about any particular plans,” Farbrace told the paper. “What we have talked about is good strong shots and if we play well enough we will win games. Intent is the key thing. Who we’re playing doesn’t matter.”

The Poms are also still happy to talk about Kevin, with rent-a-quote Yorkshireman Geoffrey Boycott suggesting that the misfiring Ian Bell (who has since bagged a ton for his county) be dropped for everyone’s favourite ego generating machine.

“Bell seems to lack confidence and belief in himself at the moment, which is crazy really because he has all the talent in the world,” wrote Boycott in his column for the Telegraph, trying but failing to avoid undermining that fragile confidence even further. “KP would be better player than him at this moment.”

And Ian ‘Beefy’ Botham has caught the runaway confidence bug transmitted by a few Poms swinging the bat for a change

“I cannot remember the last time I felt this positive about our one-day team,” he writes in the Daily Mirror.

“For the first time since the early 1990s, England are actually playing limited-overs cricket in the same era as the rest of the world.”

Trying to have a go at the game like the rest of us have been doing for the last quarter of a decade? No wonder the Poms tails are up, eh?

HOW SCARED ARE THE ENGLISH

England lost an ODI to the Kiwis on the same ground they will open the Ashes series against Australia after losing their last five wickets for just 14 runs, leaving 28 balls unused in the process. Queue a battering from all quarters for their wastefulness? Not a bit of it. Everyone praised them for having a go. The fact they lost was a mere detail.

Ben Stokes — fearless, aggressive, free spirited and, in this case, skittled

These are strange and potentially dangerous times in the UK. The press there is celebrating a shedding of fear and don’t care about the result. England, in short, have been given a pass for the summer — they are not afraid to lose …

Verdict: 2/10 — About as scared as … Timothy Treadwell, an activist who lived fearlessly with wild bears to try and protect them, as documented by the Werner Herzog film ‘Grizzly Man’ (Spoiler alert: he got eaten by bears, obviously).

NUMBERS GAME

1 — Steve Smith’s ranking in the world batsmen stakes.

The second youngest man to reach the top of the rankings, after Sachin Tendulkar, since coming back in to the team for the third Test in India in March 2013 Smith has played in all 23 Test for Australia, with scores of 162*, 52*, 133, 28, 192, 14, 117, 71, 25, 5*, 199, 54* in his last 12 innings — adding up to 1,052 runs at an average of 131.5.

DIARY OF KEVIN PIETERSEN (AGED 34 AND THREE QUARTERS)

JUNE 16

Had some fun today with my old mate Chris Gayle — another genuine talent that won’t be playing in the Ashes this year, letting the real cricket fans down, as usual. I’m sure he could qualify for England somehow. It’s easy to fudge the eligibility. If anyone knows that I do. I think his aunty once went on holiday to Manchester or something. There must be something the ECB can do with that. But no. Just another example of Andrew Strauss’s short-sightedness.

Anyway, we were promoting the Caribbean Premier League in traditional fashion — trying to knock a drone out of the sky with a cricket ball. It’s about the rich history of cricket’s love affair with unmanned aircraft or whatnot. Bradman did something similar once, probably.

The first person to hit the thing won and I was nailed on to get it before Chris flexed his freakish arm muscles and grounded the machine. Don’t know why my balls kept missing, I was obviously brilliant at it. Something wrong with the wiring or electronics during my goes I reckon. You just can’t trust machines. I’ve seen Terminator three times and know that for a fact.

THE ASHES EXPLAINED IN (POORLY CONSTRUCTED) VENN DIAGRAMS