‘Embarrassing’: England’s Test side sinks to 133-year low

The last time England batted this poorly in an Ashes series, Australia was still 13 years away from becoming a nation.

England’s cricketers were required to undergo a 14-day hotel quarantine ahead of the Ashes, but they only needed 12 to lose the series.

Joe Root’s side crumbled to an innings defeat at the MCG on Tuesday morning, bowled out for 68 in 27.4 overs to give Australia an unassailable 3-0 series lead.

It was an utterly embarrassing batting collapse – having already lost 4/15 the previous evening, England’s final six wickets fell for just 22 runs.

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The Poms appeared all at sea against Australia’s classy pace attack, which was without world No. 5 Test bowler Josh Hazlewood.

England’s abysmal second-innings effort was the side’s lowest team total on Australian soil since 1904.

Marcus Harris, Australia’s weakest top-order batter, scored more runs on Monday than England’s XI collectively mustered in the second innings.

England’s batters are currently averaging 18.75 in the Test series, the side’s lowest in an Ashes series of at least three matches since 1888.

The last time England batted this poorly in an Ashes series, Australia was still 13 years away from becoming a nation.

Lowest average for England's batters during an Ashes series

15.10 – 1888

18.75 – 2021/22

20.20 – 1882/82

21.18 – 1909

21.43 – 1950/51

* Minimum series length three Tests

Last time England's batsmen averaged less than this in an Ashes series, plastic hadn't been invented

— Ben Jones (@benjonescricket) December 28, 2021

England has not registered a victory in its last 13 Tests on Australian soil, the side’s longest dry spell in history.

Root’s men have suffered nine losses in 2021, equalling the all-time record for most Test defeats in a calendar year, alongside Bangladesh’s nine losses in 2003.

Of the nine most recent Ashes series down under, Australia has secured the urn by the end of the third Test on eight occasions.

Absolutely shambolic from England, with the MCG Test the shortest in Australia in 71 years.

England should have to refund fans who only saw 80 minutes of cricket today and anyone who had tickets for day four. #Ashes

— Scott Bailey (@ScottBaileyAAP) December 28, 2021

Meanwhile, England’s reliance on Root with the bat has been farcical.

The skipper scored 1708 runs in 15 Tests this year – dropped opener Rory Burns was second-best with 530 at 27.89.

Incredibly, next on the list was extras – comprised of no balls, wides, extras and leg byes – with 412 of England’s Test runs in 2021.

Root scored more Test runs in the first six weeks of 2021 than any of his England teammates managed in the entire calendar year.

The 30-year-old is the first Test cricketer to score at least 1000 runs more than the next highest scoring teammate in a year.

England won just four of its 15 Test matches in 2021 – Root scored a century in each.

Test batting average since January 2019

Mitchell Starc – 34.90

Rory Burns – 31.52

Ollie Pope – 30.93

Jos Buttler – 28.65

Zak Crawley – 27.74

Jonny Bairstow – 21.81

Haseeb Hameed – 19.80

Ben Stokes of England. Photo by Quinn Rooney/Getty Images

But the cherry on top of England’s statistical nightmare came when Australian debutant Scott Boland removed Mark Wood for a duck on Tuesday morning.

When Wood chipped a catch back to the Victorian quick in the 27th over, it marked England’s 54th Test duck of 2021, equalling the all-time record.

“They’ve got some big problems. That was embarrassing,” former England captain Michael Vaughan said on Fox Cricket’s coverage.

“They’re a group of players that pride themselves on competing and they’ve just not managed to find any kind of consistency or skill.

“They’ve not been able to manage this powerhouse of a team. The juggernaut started in Brisbane and they’ve not been able to stop the Australian juggernaut.

“They’ve been disappointed with the England side all tour. It’s not been easy in these times, the England side haven’t had a great deal of preparation, but if you want to look for excuses you can, you can always find excuses — this Test match team for quite a while has not been good enough.

“They’ve not been focused enough on the Test match team, the focus has been on the white ball team and it delivered a world cup, but we’re not a good enough cricketing nation to take our eye off the ball of Test match cricket. We can’t just arrive and play.

“I would say that with the group I’m seeing and the way they’re playing, if they don’t beat England in 2023 I’d be amazed.”

The fourth Ashes Test between Australia and England gets underway at the SCG on Wednesday, January 5.