Ashes 2015: Kevin Pietersen is well out of it … the cast list of English cricket’s soap opera

TWO months shy of the Ashes and England are a shambles. But who’s to blame? We name and shame the guilty men (warning: it’s a long list).

BRIDGETOWN, BARBADOS - MAY 03: Alastair Cook (L) the captain of England looks on at the after match presentations alongside Stuart Broad, Ian Bell, James Anderson and Jonathan Trott as the series was squared 1-1 after West Indies won the match by five wickets during day three of the 3rd Test match between West Indies and England at Kensington Oval on May 3, 2015 in Bridgetown, Barbados. (Photo by Michael Steele/Getty Images)

WHAT a couple of weeks it’s been for English cricket.

Two months out from an Ashes series that, if you trust Kevin Pietersen — and who wouldn’t, eh? Oh, right … — the Poms have permission to lose, there has been an outbreak of slapstick calamity, accusations and counter accusations and a whole heap of internecine bloodletting.

PIETERSEN SAGA PROMPTS HILARIOUS HITLER PARODY

CONTINUED PIETERSEN EXILE SHOCKS AUSSIE RIVALS

ANGRY PIETERSEN RAILS AT ASHES RECALL ‘DECEIT’

Give them their dues; they don’t do high farce by halves.

The new Director of Cricket and Chairman at the ECB have barely had time to get their new business cards printed and they’ve already lost their coach, got rid of their Twenty20 captain, demoted a Test vice-captain and sacked their best batsman, who was already sacked. Even by the laughable standards of the Poms, it’s quite an achievement.

To try and make sense of the whole pantomime, we have a quick look at the chief protagonists and assess their culpability in giving Australia an open goal this winter.

Andrew Struass

Strauss’s new job as Director of Cricket doesn’t officially start until June 1 and his honeymoon period is already over. An even tempered, highly educated man, he was a fine opening batsman for the English, probably more comfortable facing some chin music from Glenn McGrath than the English press when he was unveiled as the new man at Lords’.

That’s because he had to explain why he had, the night before in a London hotel room, met with the country’s all-time leading run scorer, midway through a 355 not out for his country side, to tell him he was not part of England’s plans for the summer. Why did he do that? According to Strauss it was a lack of trust, a word he used roughly the same number of times as Kevin Pietersen scored runs for Surrey that day. Strauss was the subject/victim of some less than flattering text messages from KP to the South African team, mid-series back in 2012 and, despite claiming the depth of his antipathy towards KP had been exaggerated, was once caught by Sky TV miss calling him a c-word that wasn’t ‘captain material’. Strauss says KP can’t be trusted; the perception is that Strauss is being vindictive, grinding a personal axe. Only he knows the truth.

Likes: Management speak. Dislikes: Kevin bloody Pietersen.

Guilty verdict: 6/10

He didn’t create the mess but his first foray in to trying to fix it has been about as well received as wasp at a barbie.

Colin Graves

England Chairman Colin Graves laughs it up — for now

New Chairman Graves was supposed to be a breath of fresh air at the ECB. A self-made businessman, his stewardship of Yorkshire has seen them transformed from second rate sloggers to national champions. A plain speaking Yorkshireman, his loose lips have cost him dear. Most recently he told the press there should be an inquiry if England didn’t beat the “mediocre” West Indies. Quotes that, reportedly, were pinned to the Windies’ dressing room as they forced a merited draw in the series.

Though worse than that, it was in an interview to the BBC a few months back when he said Pietersen could be back in the England reckoning with a clean slate if he found a County side and scored plenty of runs — the offer of a clean slate Pietersen claims he repeated twice in private phone calls. Carrot duly dangled, Pietersen did just that, but to no avail, leaving him feeling, not unreasonably, betrayed.

Likes: What he says (and says what he bloody well likes). Dislikes: Mediocrity.

Guilty verdict: 7/10

Another new to the soap opera but who has already shown a talent for buffoonery, getting in on the act before he’d even joined the circus.

Michael Vaughan

Former England captain Michael Vaughan — when they were quite good

The voice of sanity in the insane asylum. Vaughan was one of the chief architects of England’s, increasingly distant feeling, renaissance a decade ago. An advocate for Pietersen in the short-form side and as a reserve for the Test team, Vaughan has pleaded from the commentary box for a more innovative, creative approach.

A genuine cricket brain, he was briefly in the running for the job Strauss eventually got. Pietersen reckons he would have been a shoe in, too, but for his unwillingness to throw in the towel this winter. Whatever the reason, Vaughan is far too sensible a man to have fitted in to the ECB pantomime and is well out of it.

Likes: Entertaining cricket. Dislikes: Watching England these days (see ‘likes’).

Guilty verdict: 0.5/10

Talks a good game and worth listening to when he does. Only mark against him is that he hasn’t got in there and tried to fix it from within. Though really, who can blame him?

Kevin Pietersen

It’s time to talk about Kevin. Six foot plus of walking ego, a man capable of kicking off an argument in an empty room, then blaming the space around him for starting it. He shamelessly broke the confidence of the dressing room, first in discussing team matters via text with his South African friends, and then hanging colleagues out to dry for the price of a handsome book advance, his rancorous autobiography taking a swipe at pretty much everyone, but especially Alastair Cook, Stuart Broad, Graeme Swan, Matt Prior and Peter Moores. And that after a painful ‘reintegration process’ post text-gate.

It’s quite a charge sheet. But on the plus side of the ledger he is still England’s most likely match winner with the bat, despite his ageing, troublesome knees, and did much to propel England, however briefly, to No. 1 in the world way back when. In short he is a bit of a tool, but very, very good at cricket. His claims to have been shabbily treated by England because of the Graves offer he accepted with gusto is valid. Though his self-centred, juvenile antics mean his is not a blameless victim.

Likes: Himself. A lot. Dislikes: Andrew bloody Strauss.

Guilty verdict: 4/10

Has given more to English cricket than he’s taken but his irksome, nagging, polarising presence has added to the messy drama.

Piers Morgan

Andrew Strauss would rather lose the Ashes this summer than bring back Kevin Pietersen.That's what this boils down to.

— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) May 13, 2015

Pietersen’s cheerleader in chief, whose opinion is, depressingly, sought on all matters of English cricket, or just proffered and amplified by the echo chamber that is Twitter. Everyone seems to hate him (bar KP, who obviously sees a kindred spirit in another self-absorbed braggart). Always pipes up to slag of the authorities when Pietersen is in conflict with them.

Likes: The sound of his own voice. Dislikes: Brett Lee snorters.

Guilty verdict: 7/10

Has actually done nothing to directly damage English cricket, really, but gets a high score for his snide unpleasantness and general diminishing of the human experience.

Peter Moores

To be sacked once by England is careless; twice an embarrassment. A coach married to stats and the nebulous idea of ‘process’ in sport — he famously said he would need to crunch the numbers before assessing England’s failure to progress beyond the group stage at this year’s World Cup; to which one England fan retorted that he ’had a couple of digits for him to look at’.

Never got on with Pietersen, with a spat with the batsman central to his first dismissal. The second seems down to basically not being up to the job and, you know, not winning very much. But we’d need to get the stats before confirming that. Found out he had been sacked via the media during a game against Ireland this time, suggesting the trust issues at the ECB don’t start and stop with KP.

Likes: Spreadsheets. Dislikes: Journalists starting sentences with ‘I don’t know if you’ve heard, but …’

Guilty verdict: 7/10

A good man who deserved to have his dismissal handed better but not up to the job. If he’d forged a winning team you imagine the sideshow might not have become the story.

Alastair Cook

England's cricket team captain Alastair Cook on his knees, obviously.

Scored an impressive century over in the Caribbean earlier this month. That’s about it with the good news, on with the bad. It was his first in almost two years. It was in a dismal drawn series. His form is such that he was stripped of the ODI captaincy virtually on the eve of the World Cup — and has been bitterly complaining about it ever since. A belief in your own ability is a valuable asset for an opening batsman, and Cook has runs in the bank, it’s just that these days that confidence seems misplaced and the goodwill deposits are in danger of being used up.

He badmouthed his new big boss on that tour and has an opinion of Kevin Pietersen that is lower than Strauss’s. The two have ‘one of two issues to sort out’, said Pietersen this week. That seems about as likely as Stuart Broad walking when caught off a disputed nick, and his closeness with Strauss probably saved him from having to share a dressing room with his bete noir. Seemingly undroppable despite his poor form, he has become a totem for England’s unwillingness to make tough calls over established players. Needs a decent Ashes showing to prevent the rumblings against him reaching fever pitch among England’s fans.

Likes: Sheep. Dislikes: Kevin bloody Pietersen.

Guilty verdict: 6/10

His leadership and form on the field has been woeful in the last 12 months and the puzzling need to look after him seems to have played a part in Pietersen’s re-sacking.

Geoffrey Boycott

Former Test batsman and press box agitator in chief, Boycott, another Yorkshireman, is never backward in coming forward with the opinions he is paid handsomely to have. Incredulous his default setting, he recently claimed Cook had his ‘head up his arse’ when he chided Graves for his pre-West Indies gaff, by branding him a ‘typical Yorkshireman’. With half of Cook’s side hailing from the self-styled God’s Own County he had a point, if delivered in stereotype-confirming gruffness.

Likes: A forward defensive. Dislikes: Lancashire.

Guilty verdict: 1/10

His views are generally, and deliberately, like grenades thrown on to a smouldering fire, but his actual influence on proceedings is minimal.

Jason Gillespie

If you can’t beat them, and you can’t join them, then get one of them to help you beat them. Not a pithy turn of phrase, but an accurate interpretation of England’s panic move to fight Ashes fire with fire. Dizzy is beloved of the English for his plain speaking and cricketing know-how, taking Yorkshire to the title. The prefect candidate, then, except for the fact that he’s Australian and it would be some admission of how desperate they are that they’d turn to the enemy within. The leading candidate for the vacant coach’s job, Gillespie is seen as a saviour of sorts. No official approach has been made yet, but with his former boss Graves now in charge, it’s in the post. Might be scared off by the control Strauss appears to be commanding over team issues already.

Likes: Batting against Bangladesh. Dislikes: The Daily Mail.

Guilty verdict: -3/10

Worked miracles with Yorkshire, it’s hoped he can do the same for England.

Justin Langer

If Dizzy taking over presents all concerned with a slightly ill-feeling over national sensitivities, then the idea that Langer is also in contention stretches credulity. The English-baiting batsman is a true blue Aussie and the thought of him in Ashes conflict on the other side seems ridiculous. Unless he’s planning to be a double agent. In which case we wholeheartedly endorse the move.

Likes: Marshall arts. Dislikes: England (we thought?).

Guilty verdict: 0/10

Could rise if he gets in to Lords’ and accelerates the already rapid descent of English cricket.

Paul Farbrace

Part of Moores’s backroom staff and now acting coach while England sort out a replacement. He was a decent but not spectacular wicketkeeper in his day, and enjoyed coaching success with England under-age teams and with Sri Lanka, before Moores brought him in to the senior England fold. Unlikely to get the gig full time.

Likes: Coaching. Dislikes: The spotlight.

Guilty verdict: 4/10

Has to take some of the blame as he’s been part of a year of abject failure, if only as a lieutenant.

’What do we do from him, Jim?’ ‘Just pray I don’t get injured, skip ...’

The UK tabloid press

The English press unwaveringly trumpet every minor success as a paradigm shift in fortunes towards England supremacy and judge every set back as a crushing end to hopes and dreams. There is simply no middle ground. That feeds the beast of flip-flopping selection and cat on a hot tin roof sensitivities. Never happier than when they have some sort of scandal to blow out of all proportion, a crisis is not a crisis until Fleet Street has got its teeth in to it (and probably wasn’t one before that).

Like: Ashes buildups. Dislike: Ashes post-mortems.

Guilty verdict: 4/10

They call it how they see it; they just see it through hyperbolic giddy-headedness.