Pies and Cats play out ‘stinker’ at MCG

Victorian AFL fans were unable to attend the footy this weekend but not too many were disappointed to miss out on this horror show.

This game wasn’t one for the history books. (Photo by Michael Willson/AFL Photos via Getty Images)

The second crowdless clash of round 11 won’t go down in the history books as a classic, with Geelong and Collingwood playing out a sloppy encounter at the MCG.

It took the Pies more than two quarters to kick their first goal, while their top-four opponents were also guilty of wasteful ball use.

Victorian AFL fans were forced to watch the horror show from their homes amid Melbourne’s seven-day coronavirus lockdown but not too many seemed bothered to be missing the action live.

Pundits unleashed on the game, taking to social media to call it “worse than lockdown”, “the worst game of the year” and a “stinker”.

This game is worse than lockdown #AFLPiesCats

— Sam Wilkinson (@WilkoSam) May 29, 2021

This has to be the worst game of the year #AFLPiesCats

— Tim Michell (@tim_michell) May 29, 2021

Been some diabolical Collingwood-Geelong games in recent years. This one right down there with the worst. Stinker. #AFLPiesCats

— Rohan Connolly (@rohan_connolly) May 29, 2021

As if lockdown isn’t frustrating enough #aflpiescats

— Jo Hall (@Jo_Hall9) May 29, 2021

The only thing worse than being locked out of that first half would be getting locked in.#AFLPiesCats

— Richard Hinds (@rdhinds) May 29, 2021

Collingwood are shit#AFLPiesCats

— Dennis (@DennisCricket_) May 29, 2021

A match fit for the crowd #AFLPiesCats

— Daniel Cherny 📰 (@DanielCherny) May 29, 2021

Geelong banked four points on their way to a 10-point win against Collingwood on Saturday in one of the most unwatchable games of AFL in years.

The Cats would’ve been happy to leave the MCG with the win which will keep them glued inside the top four at the end of the round.

Outside of Trent Bianco looking every bit the player at AFL level, the only positive for Pies’ fans was the fact they couldn’t attend the eyesore of a game.

Put simply, if Collingwood was a soccer team they’d be playing for nil-all draws each week.

It took Collingwood a touch over two quarters to kick its first goal of the game via a Brodie Grundy tap and rove in the forward pocket. But the dual All-Australian was later subbed out with a neck injury.

So bad was Collingwood’s first half, it recorded the fewest points scored in a first half this season and became the only side to be held goalless.

On top of that, it was the first goalless first half and the second-lowest score at halftime under Nathan Buckley.

Remarkably, despite Collingwood’s dour ball movement, it took until the 12-minute mark of the last quarter for Tom Hawkins to put the final nail in the Pies’ coffin as he extended the lead to 22-points.

The Pies kicked three junk time goals to shave the margin to just 10-points, but to say that flattered the black and white would’ve been an understatement.

This game was nothing to write home about. (Photo by Michael Willson/AFL Photos via Getty Images)

Salt in the wound

If things weren’t bad enough for the Pies, a third-quarter injury to arguably their best player was the last thing they needed.

Brodie Grundy was contesting a mark on centre-wing when he went down with what looked to be a right shoulder injury, but was in fact an injury to his neck, and was subbed out halfway through the quarter.

The severity of the injury was unknown, but it looks likely to keep the All-Australian Collingwood ruckman out for at least next week.

Parfitt and Narkle dominate

With Cam Guthrie and Mitch Duncan out for Geelong there was something poetic about Brandon Parfitt and Quinton Narkle stepping up to fill the that void in Sir Doug Nicholls Round.

By halftime the electric duo had 33 touches between them and five clearances, while Parfitt had two goal assists and the most metres gained on the ground.

Parfitt finished with 30, while Narkle finished with 24.

Despite the performances coming against the lowly Pies, Geelong fans would’ve taken comfort in the depth on show.

Bianco’s ball

You would have been excused for thinking Trent Bianco was a seasoned Magpie ball magnet at quarter time.

The 20-year-old debutant was Collingwood’s brightest spark in an otherwise dour first term.

The midfielder showed an innate ability to find the ball and link up, something the Pies have been crying out for to aide their laboured ball movement.

Bianco played across half forward and pushed up into the middle, collecting nine first quarter disposals before finishing the match with 19.

Collingwood’s goalless first half

It was the second time in three weeks Collingwood failed to kick a goal in back-to-back quarters – this time it was in the first half of the game.

While the Pies could point towards inaccuracy costing them (they kicked 0.7), the truth of the matter is they didn’t look like kicking a goal.

Once again sluggish and insipid ball movement incapacitated Collingwood, with Jonathan Brown saying on Fox Footy the Pies’ ball movement was the worst he’d “ever seen in footy”.

The Pies’ first goal came at the two-minute mark of the third quarter.

Magpies 0.3 0.7 1.11 6.15 51

Cats 2.3 5.8 5.11 8.13 61

MOTTERSHEAD’S BEST Magpies: Mayne, De Goey, Crisp, Maynard, Moore. Cats: Parfitt, Hawkins, Narkle, Selwood, Higgins, Stanley.

GOALS Magpies: De Goey 2, Grundy, Hoskin-Elliott, Mihocek, Maynard. Cats: Hawkins 3, Cameron 2, Dahlhaus, Ratugolea, Stanley.

INJURIES Magpies: Grundy (neck). Cats: .

UMPIRES O’Gorman, Gavine, Findlay.

MCG

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

JAMES MOTTERSHEAD’S VOTES

3 B.Parfitt (Geel)

2 T.Hawkins (Geel)

1 Q.Narkle (Geel)