Melbourne Demons fan? Here’s how you spot one (hold the Range Rover jokes please)

DESPITE the lack of wins lately, they still buy a membership and sit through every game. So enough with the jokes about Range Rovers and skiing — here’s to the Dees fan.

Demons fan Wally Burgess is all revved for Saturdays clash with Port Adelaide

BEING a Melbourne supporter is the worst.

Unlike some other struggling clubs, Melbourne aren’t even in the business of selling false hope.

I’ve sat through some of the worst performances in the history of football, most in the last six years.

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However, I still love the club, buy my membership each year, pay the amount that ‘guarantees me finals tickets’ (ha!) and sit through every game.

If you know sadness like me, you’ll know the key signs of being a Melbourne supporter.

Here they are:

We feel the same way Roosy. Picture: Colleen Petch.

1. ‘Joy’ is not something you ever experience at the footy. It’s your 89-year-old personal assistant, who has been with you for years and whose only job is to renew your MCC membership each year.

2. You’ve heard every skiing and Mt Buller joke before. Mainly from other Melbourne supporters while you’re skiing at Mt Buller.

Nothing like a Range Rover trip to the slopes to help us forget about what’s happening on the field.

3. Each time you think things are getting better, they don’t.

4. You wonder why you still get angry when Melbourne are on the end of another belting.

5. That round were the AFL trialled names on jumpers was when you learnt that Robbie Flower is no longer captain and Allan La Fontaine seems to have retired.

Robbie Flower retired? You’re kidding, right?

6. In a terrible mix-up, you once watched the footy at the MCG from outside the MCC. You still wake up in the night sometimes in a cold sweat remembering the people.

7. Thinking about our drafting over the last decade makes you want to throw your whiskey glass out your chateau window.

8. There is no doubt in your mind that the curse of Norm Smith is real and will never be broken.

We wonder why we still get mad about the appalling losses.

9. People make jokes about you driving a Range Rover, but the cost of servicing a Range Rover is no laughing matter.

10. You know we have the best looking jumper in the league.

11. You hope Garry Lyon never ‘helps’ choose a coach again.

Thanks for the ‘help’, Garry.

12. Opposition fans treat you with pity and even kindness. It’s truly awful.

13. ‘Diversity’ on the Melbourne board means every major private school is represented.

14. You remember Allen Jakovich with enormous fondness.

15. The other day you were just reminiscing about Number Nine’s wonderful career, over cigars.

16. You’ve sat through many a game, watching players who have completely given up, never break out of a jog.

17. It’s getting hard to be proud of 12 premierships when the last one was in 1964.

18. You worry that signing your kids up as members might result in a knock on the door by the Department of Human Services.

19. The jury’s still out on whether naming your newborn son ‘Paul Roos’ was a good idea.

Titus writes an increasingly popular satirical sports blog titusoreily.com

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Originally published as Melbourne Demons fan? Here’s how you spot one (hold the Range Rover jokes please)