What would happen if Donald Trump met Clive Palmer

THEY’RE masters of the unfiltered quote. This is what would happen if Donald Trump’s deluded drop-the-mic moments and Clive Palmer’s verbal clangers collided over dinner.

THEY’RE the billionaire businessmen-turned-politicians who share distinctive platinum locks and the ability to shock.

Clive Palmer and Donald Trump are unapologetic, aggressive, brash and unfiltered. They’re untroubled by accusations of prejudice, ignorance and couldn’t give a hoot if they’re seen as eccentric.

As Palmer steps down from his stint at shaking the hell out of Australian politics, Trump is still shocking America and many have come to the sobering realisation he’s not going away anytime soon. But they’re quotable. So quotable.

Imagine if Don’s deluded drop-the-mic moments and Clive’s clangers collided ...

THE SCENE: Trump Tower, New York. Clive Palmer, enjoying some downtime after stepping out of the political arena, checks in. He’s here to sus out progress on New York as a destination for his $500 million dollar project — Titanic II. The owner of Trump Towers bustles through, gravity-defying comb-over a riotous mess. Clive, himself an owner of a luxury resort — the dinosaur-studded Palmer Coolum Resort — surveys the ornate lobby, and nods hello to Donald Trump.

‘I got sick of sitting on the couch’: Palmer at Parliament House in Canberra. Picture: AAP

CLIVE: (surveying the foyer): “Not very big grounds, are they?”

DON: “You’re going to have to do an inspection. (Introduces himself) I’m the most successful person to ever run for the presidency, by far. I think my brand is as hot as it gets.”

CLIVE: “I’m not Alan Bond, I’m not Christopher Skase. I got sick of sitting on the couch watching Julia Gillard look at me through the bloody TV. I said, ‘I’ve got to get to Parliament and get rid of that woman’.”

Conversation moves on to politics, and power.

DON: “One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.”

CLIVE: “I think if I was prime minister, I would like to have a good relationship with myself.”

DON: “My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth. I think I’d get along very well with Vladimir Putin.”

CLIVE: “Well there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve thrown (some) kangaroo poo in my time. I only have to get a sneeze and the nation stops. I can get a group of scientists together … and pay them whatever I want to and come up with any solution.”

The duo repair to the bar. Over a pre-dinner drink, Trump’s talk turns to the laws of attraction.

DON: “The only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful. All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected. My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”

CLIVE: (clearly uncomfortable, trying to get the Don on to safer ground) “I’ve been fortunate to be married to two wonderful women, my first wife that I still am inspired by the love that she’s given me, and recognise that in my current wife. I mean, I was very grateful that anyone would want to spend any time at all with me, you know?”

DON: (not taking the hint) “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her. Sometimes I do go a little bit far … Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.”

Dad vote. Trump and daughter Ivanka. Picture: Getty Images

Clive deserts attempts at subtle segue, and changes the subject to media.

CLIVE: “Journos are a hopeless lot really. I have been continually personally attacked over the past three years by a centrally controlled media. Well, I’ll be saying whatever I like. I’d still get media coverage for whatever I said. I swear all the time. I can swear at you if you want me to.”

DON: (still not done with the subject of women): “Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man — he made a good decision. You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”

CLIVE: “It is not worth commenting on sh** like that.”

Mercifully, dinner arrives.

DON: “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.”

CLIVE: “I like chips. I regularly eat at McDonalds but I’m eating more salads now.”

DON: “The point is, you can never be too greedy.”

CLIVE: “I know a lot of people who are fat that have got great integrity and are people we can all love and have compassion for. And I wasn’t always fat. We all know that physical appearance in the final analysis is not the most important thing in life.”

The conversation returns to politics and policy.

CLIVE: “We both have a common denominator in the sense that we both think the current groups of people running our countries are hopeless and they’re not addressing the real issues. People often quote great writers, philosophers or politicians, but I’ve always thought there’s just as much to be taken from something like Monty Python.

DON: “Donald J Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.”

CLIVE: “We don’t have advisers. We don’t need to be advised on what to think or what’s the difference between right and wrong. I just have my brain, which is very effective, and I’m quite happy with my own advice. My phone’s been tapped for years, you know. You hear the clicks on the line. It’s good to keep public servants employed.”

Trump’s comb-over has spawned countless internet spoofs. Is that what inspired ‘all of the women on The Apprentice’ to flirt with him?

DON: “Some people say I’m very, very, very intelligent. My IQ is one of the highest. When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

CLIVE: “We’ve had three judgments. against these Chinese mongrels. I’m saying that because they’re Communist, they shoot their own people, they haven’t got a justice system and they want to take over this country. I don’t mind standing up against the Chinese bastards and stop them from doing it.”

DON: “China is taking our jobs. Japan is taking our jobs. India is taking our jobs. We can’t continue to allow China to rape our country.”

CLIVE: “What happens in politics is, when you’re on the ropes you bring up gay marriage. Suddenly we’ve got them on entitlements, so they [the major parties] say ‘Time for gay marriage!’”

DON: “I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”

CLIVE: “I don’t give a stuff about a mandate.”

The pair talk development.

DON: “I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me — and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”

CLIVE: “I’m very excited about it (recreating the Titanic) because it’s all about love. It will be every bit as luxurious as the original Titanic but it will have state-of-the-art technology and the latest navigation and safety systems. Of course it’s going to sink if you put a hole in it. But it’s not going to be designed with a hole in it.

Suddenly, there is confusion over the bill.

CLIVE: (bristling) “There isn’t any missing money. That’s just a fantasy. If they’re not, why don’t you go to the police and report it? Have some guts.”

DON: (picking up the tab) “Part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”

All the right moves: Clive does a Miley.

CLIVE: “It’s not my fault that I’ve unfortunately got so much money. I had four $5 notes and I was counting to see whether I could get a pizza. And that becomes I’m counting money and the workers suffer. It’s like I’m Scrooge McDuck.”

DON: (giving the Mexican waiter a tip): “I have black guys counting my money.”

The pair part, Trump pledging dinner again when he becomes president.

DON: “I win, I win, I always win.”

CLIVE: “You will soon be unemployed, and unemployable. If you can’t twerk, you can’t be prime minister. “

* All quotes are real things Mr Trump and Mr Palmer have said.