Jo Thornely lists her favourite One Nation policies

WITH One Nation set to win up to six senate seats, Jo Thornely has written a handy guide to its most out-there policies.

OPINION

WHEN I was a little girl, I used to play pretending-to-be-grown-up games like “Let’s Be Mothers” or “Let’s Be Magazine Editors” or “Let’s Be Busy Corporate Ladies With Handbags”.

It never even occurred to me to play “Let’s Write A Federal Policy Document”, but happily the industrious folk at One Nation headquarters have taken care of that perfectly.

Reading through the “Policies” section on the One Nation website has made me realise how simple the solutions to some of Australia’s biggest problems can be.

There’s a lot of information to digest, so in order to free up more of your time for things like avoiding halal-certified food and protecting the Australian way of life, I’ve picked through and listed some of my favourites:

MAKE ISLAM ADMIT IT’S NOT A RELIGION

It’s quite obvious that under Sharia law, Islam’s main goal is to make non-Muslims feel like second-class citizens in the country they were bloody born in, which is just wrong. One Nation knows that feeling like second-class citizens should be reserved for Muslims and other people who refuse to learn the language or eat proper food.

The problem is, the Constitution says you can’t legislate to prohibit the free exercise of religion, so the solution is simple: make Islam admit that it’s NOT a religion, it’s a “totalitarian political system”, so we can legislate against it.

Did you know that mosques don’t pay tax, and that Islam is a religion that wants to dictate how we live our lives? Disgusting. What does it think it is, the Catholic Church?

You’d be smiling too if your made up policies landed you what could be the deciding seats in the Senate. Picture: Dan Peled/AAP

MAKE THE BUREAU OF METEOROLOGY STOP LYING

One Nation doesn’t buy that climate change garbage, and anyone that does is probably just brain-damaged from living too close to a wind turbine. Australians want and deserve affordable fossil fuels, and they could get them too if it wasn’t for them meddling scientists and activists with their irresponsible levels of verifiable research.

As the party says as part of their Affordable Energy policy: “Australians are at our best in sporting conquests and recovering from natural disasters. Mateship shines. The greater the challenge the better Australians perform”, which is far more relevant to climate change than statistics.

Additionally, one of One Nation’s solutions is to make the Bureau of Meteorology publicly justify their “persistent upward adjustments to historical climate records”. They want scientific method applied to climate research, not whatever method those scientists are using.

MAKE ICE USERS PAY MONEY TO STOP USING ICE

People who use drugs are obviously criminals who just do it for fun, so if you’re caught using ice three times, you’ll be sent to mandatory rehabilitation and have to pay for it yourself, even if you’re on welfare.

I mean, why keep taking drugs to feel better about being on welfare if you can both stop taking drugs AND stop receiving welfare? To make sure the dealers also get punished, One Nation proposes one year in jail for every gram of ice sold, so if you’re bad at business and only have a few customers, congratulations! You’ll be out of jail soon to give you more time to practice.

STOP SELLING OVERSEAS BRANDS TO OVERSEAS COMPANIES

The loss of our local manufacturing industry is turning us into a third world country from a once totally-self-sufficient one. I mean, from the time we imported white Australians until quite recently when weak governments here started co-operating with foreign governments, we haven’t needed imported things, but now we’re flooded with them.

What’s more, good Aussie brands like overseas companies Everlast, Mossimo, Cussons and Slazenger are being sold to overseas companies!

We can avoid this with colour-coded labelling. Green and Gold for Australian-owned or Australian-made goods, and commie red for foreign companies. Easy!

MAKE RUSSELL CROWE LEGAL AGAIN

As a nation, we must restore eligibility for Australian citizenship to Russell Crowe and other, lesser New Zealanders. He’s white and looks great in a singlet and probably would have been an Anzac in different circumstances, so if we can put him on a stamp, surely we can make him one of us.

MINIMISE ELECTORAL FRAUD, LIKE THE STUFF WE WERE ACCUSED OF

Look, there’s a lot of electoral fraud about, but not like the kind Pauline Hanson was accused and then cleared of in 2003, we mean the kind that makes her lose elections. We’re pretty sure there isn’t any fraud when she wins, but let’s all get identification cards just in case.

Look, it’s simple. There’s no reason we can’t all live together in harmony, believing in exactly the same things, buying a much smaller local range of more expensive things, and flashing our microchipped, fingerprinted identification cards many times a day. It’s a fair go for everybody who fulfils One Nation’s strict and limited criteria. And Russell Crowe.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely