Domestic violence: Qld mum reveals moment husband ‘cracked’

When Kate first met Tom they bonded instantly over their tragic past — until the mum-of-four discovered a worrying detail. WARNING: Distressing.

WARNING: Distressing content.

When Kate met Tom* they both bonded over their traumatic childhoods — his mother had died from throat cancer, while she had grown up with an abusive father before fleeing home at 15.

The single mother of four from Queensland was nearly 35 while Tom was just 22, however, he seemed wise beyond his years.

“The first couple of times we met, I used to say, ‘this is not going to happen mate, you’re so much younger than me’,” Kate, not her real name, told news.com.au.

“We got on really well, we could talk, he seemed to be an older soul.”

The couple began dating, however, a few months in Kate began to notice Tom had an explosive temper.

On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner.

Almost 10 women a day are hospitalised for assault injuries at the hands of a spouse or domestic partner.

Every day in May, as part of Domestic and Family Violence Awareness Month, news.com.au will tell the stories behind those shocking statistics.

RELATED: ‘Massive problem’ Australia is ignoring

Kate’s partner would be fine for months or years at a time, then suddenly explode. Picture: Supplied

He would throw objects when he was mad and would explode with road rage if another driver tried to cut him off.

“(Tom) would throw things and break things,” Kate said.

“But because I was so used to (it) in the family I grew up with, that behaviour was a part of life like my dad would do. I used to make excuses for him.”

One time during a night out Tom humiliated Kate in front of a group of people.

“I saw him chatting up the barmaid, so I went and sat outside in the beer garden, with his other friends,” she said.

“He came out and saw me talking to one of his mates, he threw a drink over me.”

But the abuse was also physical, as when Tom got really angry he would grab Kate by the throat.

“I don’t know what it is, but he’d always go for the throat,” she said.

The couple married in 2001 and despite Kate finding his angry outbursts “frightening” they were sporadic enough that she tried her best to make it work.

“I was in love with this guy, I made excuses, I thought it was going to be okay,” she said.

“We had lots of years where he just cracked, then we had years where he didn’t do anything. “I got to know what things would trigger him.

“For instance, he would be watching the football and if the Cowboys or something (lost), he would smash the remote or throw stuff.”

Tom also adored her children and, despite abusing Kate throughout their relationship, treated her kids like they were his own.

“He was always a good stepfather,” she said. “He would never do anything to the kids.”

But in the last few years things changed and Tom’s outbursts towards Kate became more and more frequent.

“Probably more in the last five years that I realised, I have friends whose partners don’t speak to them like that. Everything I said would be wrong,” she said.

Kate and Tom’s relationship broke down in 2019 and in the 12 months that followed his violent behaviour escalated rapidly.

Kate, who is now 59 and a grandmother, is currently in the process of getting a divorce and hopes that by sharing her story it might help other women recognise the signs.

“I just worry about how many other women does this happen to?” Kate said.

“They get stuck in this stupid … this sort of relationship that they’re just too scared to get out of.”

Forge Legal CEO Tracey McMillan has been a family lawyer for over 20 years and said her clients often remarked that the worst part of abusive relationships wasn’t the physical harm.

“Whenever I represent someone in domestic violence, the one thing always remains the same. If I say to my client, ‘What would you prefer? The physical violence or the mental?’” she told news.com.au.

Tracey McMillan has been a family lawyer for more than 20 years.

“They said, ‘I’d rather be physically hit because those wounds can heal and mental is the stuff that actually destroys souls’, and that’s what your coercive control is.”

To coincide with Domestic Violence Awareness month, Ms McMillan’s firm has created a domestic violence assistance package to help people fleeing abusive relationship.
The package, which contains legal vouchers for a free protection order as well as donated goods such as food and school supplies, can be access nationally by contacting the law firm.

When it comes to fleeing a domestic violence relationship, Ms McMillan advises leaving when the abusive partner isn’t home.

Other steps include taking money if you can so you can set yourself up and report the situation to police or seek legal assistance to get a domestic violence order in place.

“The other one is get evidence of it,” Ms McMillan said.

“Even if there is no evidence to say someone is being physically aggressive to you, evidence of the damage to the property that they’ve done, (you should be) writing it down in a diary, or keeping a diary, if you can, and keeping it offsite.”

* name has been changed.