When ‘I do’ becomes a ‘doesn’t’
MARRIAGE may be the ultimate act of love but sporting a wedding ring and a signing a marriage certificate has never been a lifelong priority for Melissa Hoyer.
MARRIAGE has never made my bucket list.
The fact that no-one, umm, has actually gotten down on bended knee to ask me (and no, there’s no need to cue the world’s smallest violin) could have something to do with it, the real reason is more that I’ve just never been someone who longed for wedded bliss.
The big frock, the big cake and the who-to-put-on-the-wedding-list dilemma.
The ‘certificate’ that declares my commitment to love. The public validation that ‘somebody loves me’ just isn’t something I’ve ever aspired to pop on my must-do list.
Have I ever been in love? Sure.
But, it’s the marriage endpoint that has never, ever crossed my mind.
Analysis released this week by McCrindle Research shows that the median age for marriage in this country is skyrocketing. The average female is getting married at 28.3 today and males at 29.9, this has been pushed back by about five years over the last three decades.
Does that indicate great social change or is it that some of us just can’t be bothered with all the hitching hoopla?
The rite of maturing passage for many young women (and men too) when I was at school was this:
1. Finish school.
2. Get a job/study.
3. Get hitched.
4. Have a family.
All the above, bar number 3, I have done.
And I have no problem or regret about not fulfilling numero 3.
Sure, I have a beautiful 13-year-old boy, whose dad I still consider one of the most solid and best friends I have.
Yes, I am in happy, two-year-old relationship. But is marriage even the end point for this or any other relationship I may have?
Will it be the culmination of a current or future relationship? I really don’t know.
Happily there are proponents — in the form of modern day celebs — who have (so far) decided to eschew marriage.
There’s Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson.
Diane has been married before but says she has no interest in going down that road again.
“Without sounding pessimistic, I learned that I don’t believe in marriage ... I believe in a commitment that you make in your heart. There’s no paper that will make you stay,’’ she has been quoted as saying.
Josh, meanwhile has left the door ajar: “Marriage is important for the people it’s important for, but neither one of us is particularly religious, so I don’t think there’s any particular push. But never say never! I don’t know,’’ he says.
Ditto Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick who have been a couple since 2007 and have three children.
“I definitely don’t want to get married just for the sake of getting married. This is my life. I don’t need a piece of paper to make it a family unit,’’ she has told the media.
And another pairing, a bit closer to home is Naomi Watts and her partner Liev Schreiber.
“Maybe one day we’ll just wake up and go, ‘Hey, let’s do this.’ And maybe not,’’ Liev has said in the past.
“He and I have a family. We’re very much together. We just don’t have that certificate, and that’s OK with both of us,’’ says Naomi.
All this said, I still loooove going to weddings.
I love seeing the joy, the love, the happiness and the pairing of two people as they make a lifelong commitment to each other.
But perhaps that last point is my issue. Lifelong? Well, not always.
We don’t need to be reminded about the statistics of divorce (that is costing Australia 14 billion dollars a year). However interestingly the total number of divorces has been declining — there are fewer now than any time in the last 20 years. 10 years ago the divorce rate was 2.7 per 1,000 people, one year ago it was 2.2. and it is now 2.1 per 1,000 people.
Speaking with clinical psychologist, Jo Lamble, she tells me there are more and more younger people where NOT getting married is becoming a priority in their lives.
“There are a number of reasons for it and the first and foremost is many of our younger generation have come from broken relationships or they may have witnessed divorce in their family, so they look at it as something they don’t want to do as well,” says Ms Lamble.
“It’s not that they don’t want to take the risk of it, they just think marriage doesn’t protect them from a break up.
“So why go through that, and I would agree, that it is really the commitment in a relationship that counts.”
The renowned clinical psychologist and TV commentator says our decrease in faith also has something to do with the “need” or “want” to get married: “Faith has always played a large role in couples getting married but hey, as that has weakened in some parts of the community so has the need for people to get married.”
One trend Ms Lamble has noticed concerns women who have careers and who are financially stable.
“I am often speaking or treating women who say to me ‘I am dating or thinking of marrying a guy who has nothing or not much money’ so to be blunt, I do have to remind them that even after 12 months of living together there is a potential for them to ask for quite a share of what has been earned.
“In the eyes of the law now, if you live together for 12 months or more, you can be in more financial risk.
“You really do have to be careful and many people are still not aware of that. And I do want to stress that this goes on with both sexes.”
With someone who has already been married, they often don’t want to marry again, adds Ms Lamble. “so that is probably the most common group of those who are not marrying,” she says.
“Then there is the group who had unhappily married parents or who had parents who divorced who don’t find the need to do it themselves.”
One of the most surprising points made by Ms Lamble was the impact of social media on the “glamour” of a wedding day.
“We all know that through social media people DO care about what others think of them, but because we have all of these platforms to “share” things, a wedding day just isn’t as desirable as perhaps it once was.
“We don’t need to have a wedding day to show how fabulous our lives are - we can do that any other day of the week - and while that may sound silly, it is a reality.”
Yes, love does come in all shapes, sizes, varieties and manifestations and for me getting married to prove that ‘I love’ just hasn’t been a priority.
Sure, they’ll be some of you out there disagreeing, shaking their fists while saying ‘but don’t you know it’s the ultimate, selfless, unconditional act of love?’ (and yes, there’ll be the ones who say ‘who’d want to marry you anyway?) but I really don’t care.
The validation of a marriage certificate does not equate to the love I can and I have felt for people in my past, my present and in my future.
Independence has never eluded me. And maybe that is my issue.
I have always been a feisty solo soul, working bloody hard to make sure I am financially independent. Within that, perhaps there is an emotional independence, too.
But, I have seen too many wives AND husbands collapse in a heap when their marriage fails; the couple ‘halve’ their assets and the divorcee then laments the ‘tragic’ state of their lives.
Hence, I guess, my lifelong goal to be financially beholden to no-one.
I am not ruling marriage out.
Getting married may still happen — sorting out a wedding frock could be a bit of fun, let alone choosing bridesmaids and guests — but it is not and never has been something that has stressed me.
I’ve never needed to feel emotionally validated by having to sport a wedding ring.
I’ve had happy, loving relationships with partners who are simply great, genuine people.
And I have great pals who are also genuinely happily married which makes me appreciate that finding someone who you can commit to for the rest of your life is tangible. And doable.
So will I ever say ‘I do’? Guess anything is possible.
Continue the conversation on twitter and Instagram @melissahoyer and @newscomauhq
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