What happens when Em Rusciano gets let loose inside the Birdcage

WHEN Em Rusciano got invited into the Birdcage at Melbourne Cup things got weird, like getting stuck naked in a porta potty.

THERE is a magical utopia at the Flemington racecourse during the Melbourne Cup carnival where the champagne flows, PR girls contemplate their career choices and celebrities eat teeny tiny pastries.

Have you heard of it? Are you aware of the Birdcage? Do you even care? Too late now, you’re in and I want to tell you about how I made model Kate Peck fix my spanks in a porta potty because GLAMOUR.

The feeling of receiving an invite in to the magical universe that is The BC is akin to what I imagine Charlie Bucket felt upon opening his chocolate bar to find the ticket that was gold. You see Birdcage passes are as rare as unicorn s**t, well at least for those of us who aren’t Bec Judd or Julie Bishop.

I was granted access this year with my pal and fellow comic Joel Creasey. I spent the morning wrapping my loose skin in Lycra, poured myself into a lovely frock, donned a smart hat and headed on in to the racetrack.

Em and Joel looking fabulous. Picture: Supplied

Upon arrival we showed our precious passes. At that moment there is no piece of documentation in the world more important. I would rather show up to the border of a country with a questionable track record on detaining foreigners, with no passport, than be standing at this gate sans BC pass.

We were granted access and went to find our marquee. The door girls and security were hunched over the guest list and, as we went in, I could hear a man trying to blag his way into the marquee. Oh yes, that’s the other thing, even if you secure a Birdcage pass you also have to be invited into someone’s house (marquee) for the day.

The big names just swan in and out of everywhere, whereas us plebs are just grateful to be invited and tend to stay in the one marquee for fear of not being let back in.

Joel and I aren’t big gamblers but we had vowed to bet on the lady jockey in the big race. Joel said: “Em I have $50 on me, let’s put it on the nose of the lady jockey. I don’t know her name but I know there is a pirate involved in her horses name.” Sounded like a solid reason to bet on a horse.

I then found myself really needing to go to the ladies so I made sure with the nice security man that I was allowed to leave, was given permission to pee, and took myself off to find a toilet.

I hadn’t forward planned this but I should’ve. In order to be able to actually answer the call of nature I had to get completely naked in the porta potty. Everything off. I managed this and fearfully sat in my heels and hat with nothing else covering me, terrified that someone may look over or under! Then I had to go about getting myself back into my flesh coloured wetsuit. I couldn’t.

But then I heard a voice that I recognised and trusted — model, MTV VJ and all-round legend girl, Kate Peck. Peck and I go way back so I knew that she could help me and not judge me for needing said help. I called out to her and she rolled my undies back up, tucked them into my bra and zipped me back in.

Good. Bird.

All-round legend Kate Peck. Picture: Richard Dobson

As I was going back to the marquee who should I run into? The most powerful woman in the country Julie “Bish” Bishop. My immediate thoughts in order were:

Holy s**t look at her arms.

Could I beat her in an arm wrestle?

Who is the hottie with her?

How is she SO tanned?

We had a quick chat and a photo and yes, I realise we look related.

Em and Julie: They’re basically twins. Picture: Supplied

P.S. the hottie was her bloke David Panton and oh my CHRIST, well done Bish.

I got back to Joel just in time to watch the Cup. And that’s when we both realised that we’d forgotten to bet. Oh well the lady jockey was 100 to 1 we wouldn’t have … What’s this? OH MY GOD the pirate horse is in the lead. We didn’t bet our $50 on the nose and now THE PIRATE HORSE AND THE LADY JOCKEY HAS WON!

Noooooooooo!

Can you even believe it? I’m no maths expert but I think we would have been in for a great payday. Our disappointment was short lived when we learned the story behind Cup winner Michelle Payne and her brother Stevie. There was not a dry eye in the marquee and that wasn’t from the champagne showers that had been happening sporadically throughout the day.

About 4pm I looked at Joel and said “It’s time”. You see leaving at the right time is crucial so that you don’t get caught in the post apocalyptic wasteland that is the carpark after a long day of everyone drinking in the sun. We made a quiet exit and went home to pop on tracksuit pants and eat carbohydrates.

It was a good day, I’m so happy for Michelle Payne I could burst. I was also glad when it ended.

We’re off to Oakes tomorrow, I’ll see if I can challenge Bish to that showdown.

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.