Why are so many people cheating with their exes?

The pandemic wreaked havoc on our love lives, with many admitting to straying during lockdown. Now a study has revealed why.

A combination of heightened stress and uncertainty of the global pandemic colliding with feelings of boredom and stagnation has led to people seeking to break the monotony of coupledom by embarking on an illicit affair, a Body+Soul investigation has determined.

Blame it on COVID, blame it on boredom, blame it on anxiety – whatever the reason, this has been a year when Australians have retreated to the comfort of their favourite TV shows and movies of their youth and the homemade recipes they loved in childhood in a bid to reconnect with a happier and less complicated time in their past.

However, for some people, revisiting a former chapter of their life has come in the form of falling into the arms of an ex… even when they’re already in a committed relationship.

For more stories like this, go to bodyandsoul.com.au

More than 17,000 people signed up to Ashley Madison worldwide every day during lockdown. Picture: iStock

According to dating site Ashley Madison, which caters to married people seeking to cheat, more than 17,000 people signed up worldwide every day during lockdown.

In July, a report entitled Infidelity In The Time Of COVID-19, by US psychologists Kristina Coop Gordon and Erica A Mitchell, was published in a peer-reviewed academic journal.

Their findings revealed that couples are engaging in infidelity as a result of being stuck in close quarters, and without the escape of work and social interactions. In fact, a survey found that as many as 13 per cent of people in a committed relationship admitted to contacting an ex-partner during the pandemic.

“An ex can take our minds back to a time when we were younger and felt more freedom,” explains clinical psychologist and Body+Soul advice columnist Jo Lamble.

“The good feelings we had for an ex can quickly resurface and that can give us a buzz. Sadly, that buzz can lead to an affair, which can lead to a path of destruction.”

Just as finding comfort in the familiar has seen many people take up past-times of yesteryear such as knitting and baking from scratch, experts say that’s also a factor in why some have sought to rekindle relations with an ex.

“People can seek relationships with ex-partners as they have a degree of certainty from them,” says Melbourne-based psychologist Meg Foreman.

“They know them well and feel safe with them. So when they’re not happy in a new relationship, they can forget about what caused a break-up with their ex, and pursue what’s familiar for them.”

Like what you see? Sign up to the bodyandsoul.com.au newsletter for more stories like this

As many as 13 per cent of people in a committed relationship admitted to contacting an ex-partner during the pandemic. Picture: iStock

For Eleanor*, a 25-year-old freelance courier from Melbourne, the stress of trying to pay her rent as her work dried up during the early months of the pandemic drove her back to her ex – despite the fact she was navigating a new relationship with her boyfriend, Tom*, at the time.

“I definitely think if there hadn’t been a lockdown, Tom and I would have had a better relationship, but because we were always doing the same thing – watching a film, hanging around at his place or my place – it just got too boring,” Eleanor tells Body+Soul.

“I didn’t want to use an app to meet someone new, it felt like too much effort. It just felt easier to reach out to my ex.”

It’s behaviour that Lamble believes is a direct by-product of the past 10 months.

“Many couples have struggled during COVID because they’re spending more time together than ever,” she says.

“Some can wonder: Is this what retirement looks like? Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? All those irritating habits we have are harder to tolerate when we’re not escaping to work or out with friends. An unhealthy way to deal with the decreased tolerance is to escape into the past.”

Eleanor quickly became frustrated and found herself complaining about Tom to her ex-boyfriend, Callan*.

“Callan and I had freshly broken up because he didn’t see us getting married,” she says.

“I was getting in contact with him over Messenger to complain about this new guy at work who was constantly on his phone or breaking social distancing rules. Two months in, I knew I was going to break up with Tom. Callan and I had organised dinner in September and I was hoping he’d try to seduce me.”

And seduce her he did. Days later, she ended her fledgling romance with Tom.

“I admitted that I’d cheated on him, because I wanted to be fully honest and felt he should know the truth,” she says.

“People certainly can act irrationally under times of stress,” Foreman says of the reported spike in infidelity during the long, cold months of COVID.

“I’ve seen a lot of people doing or saying things they usually wouldn’t due to being under a prolonged period of stress from the restrictions associated with the pandemic.”

Have you cheated on your partner this year? Picture: iStock

HAVE YOU CHEATED ON YOUR PARTNER THIS YEAR?

“The most important thing is to acknowledge the behaviour and to own it,” psychologist Meg Foreman advises.

“After that, it’s to understand why this happened. When you address the reasons behind an affair, it’s less likely it will happen again. For example, if a person believed their emotional needs weren’t being met and sought that out elsewhere, they need to learn to communicate to their partner what they need, before it becomes an issue.”

IF YOUR PARTNER HAS CHEATED ON YOU

“It can be hard for the partners, as they can be left feeling they did something wrong, or something is wrong with them,” Foreman says.

“Communication is needed with their partner to understand what happened and why. If they choose to stay, they need the opportunity to vent their feelings and to discuss what they need to trust their partner again. Attending couples’ counselling could help with these discussions.”

*Names changed for privacy reasons

This article originally appeared on bodyandsoul.com.au and was reproduced with permission