What it means to be an asexual

ASEXUALS make up just one per cent of the population. Here two Aussie asexuals share their personal stories about their sexuality.

WE’RE bombarded with images of sex hundreds of times a day and sex is a motivation for much of what we do. But what about those people who have no, or very little, sexual desire?

It’s estimated that 1 per cent of the population identifies as asexual. In a 2004 British study, one per cent of the 18,000 people surveyed about their sexuality ticked a box stating, “I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all.”

We spoke to two asexuals about their sexuality and perceptions of asexuality in Australia.

Maddy, 23, from Sydney

Maddy first realised she was asexual at 18.

“An asexual person is someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction towards anyone else. I don’t really have a sex drive. I’ve never experienced sexual attraction to anyone. I didn’t even know what asexuality was until I was 18 and that’s when I realised, ‘Oh, there’s a word for what I’m feeling’.

Asexuals may or may not have a romantic attraction. I know a lot of my asexual friends have relationships but they don’t have sex. There are asexuals who have a sex drive, but it’s not necessarily directed at anyone. They might feel comfortable with masturbation, but they’re not attracted to people. They might physically enjoy sex, but they don’t see a person and want to have sex with them.

When people first learn that I’m an asexual they usually respond with confusion, then try to invalidate my sexual orientation. When I explain that I’m not sexually attracted to anyone they say, ‘But you have to like guys or girls’. I say, ‘If you can like both, you can like neither, right?

There’s a huge lack of awareness about asexuals. People just don’t get it. They say things like, ‘Everyone has to have sex. Maybe you’re just gay or sexually repressed’. Or they say ‘Don’t worry, it’s probably just your hormones. You’ll grow into it.’

Some people are even say stuff like, ‘Oh asexuality, isn’t that like with plants?’ It’s irritating that some has the audacity to question my sexuality like that. It’s just like saying, ‘Oh, you like vanilla ice cream? That’s so weird, because everyone likes chocolate. Why don’t you just like chocolate too?’ I’m pretty sure I would know what my favourite ice cream flavour is.

It’s usually guys questioning my sexuality. A lot of them think I’m playing hard to get, or I’m a b***h, or a prude, and a lot of people ask if I’m religious.

I’ve experimented a bit with guys and girls and gender queer people, but I haven’t had sexual intercourse. While I found it to be OK, it was still a weird thing for me. I didn’t particularly enjoy it. I just found the whole thing really strange and I couldn’t understand why the other person was enjoying it so much. I thought, ‘This is really nice, but so is a massage.’ Sexual desire was explained to me as being like hunger — ‘You know how when you get hungry, you need to eat? Well it’s kind of like that.’ My response was, ‘I don’t want to deny you a meal, but I’m not on the menu.’

I’m an aromantic asexual. Aromantics make up about 1 per cent, of the 1 per cent of the population that are asexuals. I went through a phase where I tried a bit of dating and I realised it was something that didn’t interest me at all. So I went on being social with my friends and having lots of friends rather than having a romantic relationship.

I had a pretty rough time in high school so it was really good to find the asexual community online and on Tumblr. It’s a really open community. They’re good at explaining things and answering questions. They’re really accepting of people who don’t fall fully into the asexual category. It’s a great thing to be a part of.”

Edward, 23, from Melbourne

Edward doesn’t have sexual desire, but still wants to find a romantic relationship.

“Sexual people have a desire for sexual intimacy. When I look at people I still have a desire for intimacy, but I never really see that sexual aspect to it. You can have emotional intimacy or mental intimacy.

I’m asexual but I’m still romantic. I do have a desire for a romantic relationship. It’s something I do still stop and think about, that it would be nice to have that connection with someone. I’ve never been in a relationship but I’ve had people I’ve been close with. I’ve met people before where I feel this desire to be around them, but that’s all you really need.

There are many asexuals who have completely different perspectives on sexuality to me. There’s a huge spectrum. Some people have a very low level of sexual desire. And then you’ll get people who will be completely sex-averse and have no desire. I’m in the averse camp. I wouldn’t be comfortable having sex. I don’t see myself ever having it.

I first realised I was asexual in around Year 9, when everyone else was starting to think about sex. Most of my friends are comfortable with it and accept it. Some accept it, but don’t understand it.

I’ve met people who just don’t think that being asexual is a possible. They say things like ‘You just haven’t met the right person’, or ‘Just wait a few more years’.

When my friends are talking about sex I just have no clue about what’s going on. I’ve got to sit back and wait until the topic changes. You learn to extrapolate and see how other people who have sexual thoughts might see something, even though I don’t see that in myself.

Often I’ll say something that I think is totally innocent and not realise it’s full of innuendo. You need to consciously make yourself see that sexual aspect if you want to interact and talk to people about it. Sex isn’t something that comes to the forefront of my mind.

There’s a strong community of asexuals online and they have real-life meet ups. I’m actually going to one this weekend. We meet for a chat and play some boardgames and have a coffee. Anyone can come along and participate and join in. Asexuality isn’t very widely recognised. We’ve got to gradually have a presence and have people realise what it is.”

Do you have a personal story you’d like to share? Get in touch via email ([e-mail]) or via Twitter @beck_sullivan.