‘Sexless’: What really causes your partner to cheat

It’s a common problem plaguing couples across Australia, but according to Jana Hocking, it could be your relationship’s undoing.

I’m about to ask a question that may trigger some people, but take a deep breath and really ponder on it, because you may see that I actually have a jolly good point.

What came first … the cheating or the lack of sex?

I ask this because I had an interesting discussion with a friend the other day.

She hasn’t had sex with her partner in six months, and despite all her efforts, it looks to be a dry patch for quite a long time.

She’s been wondering whether to have an affair.

You see, she still loves her husband, but she desperately misses sex. And it’s not just the act of having sex that she misses – she misses the physical touch, the closeness.

She explained that sex isn’t just doing the deed, but feeling close to your partner. It bonds you.

I thought about it, and she’s not wrong.

There’s something so vulnerable and sweet about laying naked with someone you adore, exploring each other’s bodies. The feeling that their body is yours, and yours theirs. You know where their hidden freckles are, where the curve of their spine ends, the shape of their butt. It’s a special bond reserved for those with a genuine connection. Because let’s be honest, you’re not noticing too much during a one-night stand.

There is a reason why touch is one of the most popular love languages. Picture: Instagram/@jana_hocking

‘Every week I am inundated with people – men and women – confessing that they are currently cheating.’

As we were discussing her dilemma, it got us asking the question: What comes first – the cheating or the lack of sex? She feels like she is being pushed to cheat because her marriage has turned sexless, and it made us both realise why so many people find themselves in a similar situation.

Suddenly I wasn’t stomping my foot and claiming that all cheaters are scumbags. I was looking at infidelity from a different angle. One from a friend who was tired of being rejected by her partner. Longing for the touch of someone who adores her.

There is a reason why touch is one of the most popular love languages. It’s certainly mine, and it’s certainly my friend’s. So, what do you do when it’s taken off the table? Do you settle in for a life that’s just a little meh, or do you go looking for it somewhere else?

A prime example is my weekly Instagram ‘Saucy Secrets’ confessional. Every week I am inundated with people – men and women – confessing that they are currently cheating.

The recurring theme to all these confessions is that they’ve never felt more alive, and they are finding it hard to stop. So, is a sexless marriage to blame? The evidence says yes.

‘Do you settle in for a life that’s just a little meh, or do you go looking for it somewhere else?’

At the end of the day, we all just want to feel loved and believe that our partner is attracted to us.

So, by now you’re probably screaming “she just needs to have a conversation with her partner” – and you’re right. This could all be sorted with an open and honest conversation. The thing is … she has.

They’ve tried counselling, they’ve tried getting drunk and airing it all out. He won’t budge, and she’s as dry as a desert and as horny as a rabbit.

So I threw an option on the table … what about an ethically non-monogamous relationship? Heck, all the cool kids are doing it today.

That last statement was kinda a joke, but not the ENM suggestion. If you’re not across this new phenomenon, ENM stands for ethically non-monogamous (obviously) and it is the practice of non-monogamous intimate or sexual relations that are distinguished from infidelity by the knowledge and consent of those involved. Basically, an open relationship.

Is it such a crazy idea for her to run the idea by her husband? Surely it’s a better solution than sneaking around behind his back.

Why not be upfront with it? Perhaps they could find a solution that works for both of them. A happy marriage for him, and a happy sex life for her. Without disrupting the bond.

Obviously this is not for everyone, and there is no doubt that jealousy could play a big part in this concept falling apart. But if other options aren’t working, I think it’s one worth exploring.

If it’s a no to an ENM relationship, and it’s a no to sex, then let’s be honest – it’s either a divorce or cheating – and it’s the one time I think it’s OK to turn a blind eye, because no one should settle for a life without sex if they don’t want to.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking