Relationship Rehab: Wife’s shocking 10-year sex lie

After a decade of marriage a woman is wondering whether it’s time to come clean to her husband about their bedroom antics — and one big problem.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband worried about his wife’s past sexual encounters, a man wanting to last longer in the bedroom and if our tastes in porn are ever a cause for concern.

I’VE BEEN ‘FAKING IT’ FOR 10 YEARS

QUESTION: I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and love him dearly. I enjoy our sex life but there is one big problem – I’ve never had an orgasm with him. I’ve literally been faking it for 10 years and now I don’t know what to do. I can climax alone and I had orgasms with a previous partner but have always “put on a show” for my own husband. When my hubby and I first got together I thought it would sort itself out but now it’s been so many years I’m not sure it ever will. Should I tell him the truth so we can get our sex life back on track?

ANSWER: One of the issues with ‘faking it’ is that you don’t end up teaching people what you would actually like.

Don’t lose hope about getting things back on track. I’ve seen many people get their sex lives back on track, even couples who had struggled for decades and thought it wasn’t possible for them. It’s possible for you too.

This is actually an exciting opportunity for you to enhance your sex life and deepen intimacy and connection in your relationship.

I’m generally of the belief that honesty is the best policy. Laying everything out on the table gives you the opportunity to work through things together.

I don’t think this needs to be said, but tread gently when telling your partner about this. It’s probably helpful to stress to him that you don’t see this as his fault. There’s certainly the potential for this disclosure to trigger shame and a sense of betrayal within him. It may take some time for him to process this news.

In terms of practical steps for you to take to learn to have an orgasm with your partner, here are some suggestions.

There are many reasons that you might not be experiencing orgasm with your partner. Some may be due to your internal thoughts and beliefs. Others may be due to what’s happening between you and your partner.

A woman has been ‘faking it’ with her husband for 10 years but sexologist Isiah McKimmie says hope is not lost. Picture: iStock

Check your mental process

Sometimes as a relationship becomes closer, it can actually become harder for us to enjoy ourselves sexually because there’s more ‘to lose’ if it doesn’t go well. Fear of losing the relationship can actually sabotage our ability to be really intimate during sex. Examine any underlying emotions you have about this. If you’re getting caught in your head, you might need to learn some tools to calm anxiety.

Make sure you spend enough time in foreplay

Inadequate time in foreplay is the most common reasons women struggle to reach orgasm. Women need at least 15-20 minutes of foreplay for their bodies to fully prepare for sex.

Improve sexual communication

Make sure you’re clearly communicating what you want and don’t want from your partner. Chances are that your husband wants you to enjoy yourself, he might just need some extra direction.

Get support if you need to

If you’re not able to work this out on your own, I suggest reaching out to a Sexologist or Sex Therapist for support. Therapy has a 90 per cent success rate with helping women experience orgasm. You might also find this free guide helpful.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

GAY MAN’S UNEXPECTED JEALOUSY

QUESTION: My female best friend got into a relationship with a man, and even though I’m gay I’m really jealous of him, which is really confusing for my previously strong sense of identity. I’m sad that I can’t give her what she is looking for, which is crazy. I’m sad I can’t make her as happy as he is making her. I’m also worried that she is going to spend less time with me. I don’t want to be selfish and I want to stop feeling jealous every time she is with him.

ANSWER: It’s understandable that you feel sad and jealous in this situation. Despite you not wanting a romantic or sexual relationship with your friend, she’s obviously important to you.

It is possible that she’ll spend less time with you as she spends more time with him.

It’s not selfish to want to spend time with someone you care about, though it may require some letting go and self soothing as she does.

Although I understand you don’t want to feel jealous, maybe you can’t find a way to accept the feelings you have for now. Be gentle on yourself. This is a challenging transition.

Remove ‘sexual brakes’ to help get over insecurities holding you back in bed. Picture: iStock

HELP! I FEEL TOO UGLY FOR SEX BUT REALLY WANT IT

QUESTION: I don’t feel attractive enough to have sex and therefore avoid it. I’m single but I’d love to want to have sex more. How can I increase my desire and feelings of sexiness?

ANSWER: Begin with examining your mindset and beliefs around sex.

We live in a culture that actually has a lot of fear and shame around sex – especially for women. Explore the underlying beliefs and fears you have about sex as these may be impacting you.

Connect to your body

One of the biggest blocks to us experiencing desire is being caught in our heads. Reconnect to your body, which is the home of pleasure.

Remove any ‘sexual brakes’

Understand what may be getting in the way of your desire and reduce these factors.

Increase things that make you feel sexy.

Understand what your specific turn ons are and bring more of these into your life. What makes you feel sexy? Increase this too.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram