Relationship Rehab: ‘I can’t bring myself to sleep with my wife’

This man worships his wife, but no matter what he does, he can’t bring himself to have sex with her. She’s convinced he’s cheating but he’s not.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie a man whose sex drive has gone missing, a woman seeking some highbrow erotica and a guy hoping to boost his chances of finding love on Tinder.

I AM A MAN WITH NO INTEREST IN SEX

QUESTION: I’m a 39-year-old man on the verge of a divorce because I just can’t bring myself to have sex with my wife. We’ve been married for a decade, and I love her – I am just not interested in sex. I used to be more keen, when I was younger and before we had kids, but for the past few years it’s been a once a year thing, or even less frequent. I can’t explain – I just don’t get “the urge” – it’s been years since I’ve even masturbated. I’m just not a sexual person. But my wife seems convinced there is someone else, which there 100 per cent isn’t. How do I make her see I’m not cheating, this is just who I am? Or am I doomed to be alone forever?

ANSWER: Thank you for asking this question. Mismatched desire is a common challenge couples’ face. It can be confusing and frustrating.

It’s difficult for any couple, though it’s especially hard when men lose their libido as it challenges the cultural messages we receive about male sexuality – and female desirability.

Mismatched desire is often depicted as the “problem” of the person with lower desire. But actually the issue is a difference between you. Try to focus on dealing with this as a team.

There are steps you can take, together and individually that can help you feel more connected and bring your desires more into synch.

Your wife is likely feeling unloved and unattractive to you right now, so she may need extra reassurance regarding your love and commitment to her. Sometimes a higher desire partner doesn’t have as high a desire as it seems. What they’re really longing for is more connection and intimacy, sex is just a way of getting it.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied

It’s common for a partner with higher desire to suspect that their partner’s lower desire is due to infidelity or loss of love. But this is rarely the case.

We often think of sexual desire as spontaneous and that it “should” arise spontaneously at various times. But science now shows that desire is often responsive. This means it responds to stimuli going on around us – both positive and negative.

Think of desire as having brakes and accelerators. To get it moving, you need a combination of taking off the brakes and adding on accelerators.

In my experience helping couples regain desire, there are often different brakes and accelerators for men and women.

As a man, I firstly suggest getting your hormone levels and overall health checked. Then look at what the other brakes may be.

It can be hard to be the person with the lower sex drive, especially if you're a man (complainant not pictured). Picture: Joackim Weiler on Unsplash

You said you used to feel desire. What is it about having kids or getting older that’s contributing here? Did anything else happen when this changed? Stress and tiredness are often major brakes. Have there been other stresses around work or in your relationship?

There is no “normal” level for sexual desire. There’s a small percentage of people who have zero or very little sexual desire at all (it’s also normal). Before you put yourself in that category, look at your brakes and accelerators and see what you can do to cultivate desire.

You can find out more about different brakes and accelerators and the practical steps you can take to overcome mismatched desire in this free guide.

It might also help to visit a sexologist or sex therapist with your wife so that she can better understand this issue and see you are making an effort to bridge the difference between you.

HOW DO I FIND GOOD QUALITY PORN?

Yes, feminist porn does exist – and it's not softcore at all. Picture: Supplied

QUESTION: This might seem like a dumb question, but how do I find good quality porn? Everything I’ve found in my short searches online is disgusting and exploitative. Does feminist porn exist?

ANSWER: It’s not a dumb question at all – it’s actually one that I get asked by people all the time.

It sure does exist – there’s been a huge increase in this over the last few years as women feel increasingly comfortable accessing porn and both men and women seek out alternatives to “mainstream” pornography.

My top suggestions are:

• Erika Lust – a Swedish woman making feminist pornography.

• I Feel Myself – from a Melbourne-based company practising Socially Responsible Erotica.

• Beautiful Agony – a fun concept that films only people’s faces as they reach orgasm.

There are also a number of audio erotica apps designed especially for women, including this one that you might find enjoyable.

HELP ME HACK TINDER TO SCORE MORE DATES

Finding the right words to attract the right type of person on dating apps can be a challenge. Picture: iStock

QUESTION: What magic words can I put in my dating profile to let women know I’m a genuine nice guy looking for an actual relationship? Because no one seems to believe me that I am.

ANSWER: Don’t try to convince people through words on your dating profile – show them through your behaviours. Let women decide for themselves how they feel about their interactions with you.

Online dating is a tough gig. Many people find themselves on dates with people who aren’t who they say they are – or are constantly propositioned for “short-term arrangements”. It makes sense some women would be hesitant to just believe you.

Women aren’t necessarily looking for “nice guys” when they’re searching dating profiles. They’re looking for people they feel a spark and connection with. Share that you’re looking for a LTR, but also let your personality show so that women become interested in you and want to know more. Then see if you “click” and both want to take things further.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]