Nightmare as ‘No Nut November’ and ‘Hoevember’ collide

Two very different sexual pledges are taking place in November – and it’s leaving some women feeling very frustrated.

Nightmare as ‘Not Nut November’ and ‘Hoevember’ collide.

Now, I don’t want to alarm you but there is a very X-rated dilemma going down for the entire month of November. It’s causing a lot of sexual issues for singletons, and I for one am outraged!

You see it would appear that ‘No Nut November’ and ‘Hoevember’ have both fallen on the same month and it’s causing catastrophic issues in the bedroom.

You may be thinking I’m talking complete nonsense but let me explain what they both are and then you will understand the drama.

No Nut November is an annual event that encourages men to go 30 days without ejaculating also known as “busting a nut” to the Millennials among us. Hence No Nut November. Whether it’s with a partner or on your own, ejaculation is strictly banned. I know, sounds horrible.

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♬ The Hustle - Van McCoy

The reasoning for this is a little bonkers. It started back in 2011 when articles started circulating on the internet about the ways men can attempt to get greater mental clarity, a decrease in dependence on porn, a boost in testosterone and enhanced athletic abilities. Yes, apparently the miracle cure to all those things is to stop masturbating. Hmm …

Do you know what else gives you good clarity? A great orgasm and 8 hours of sleep. So, I call this trend absolutely ridiculous. Why forbid yourself of one of life’s great (and free) pleasures.

Which brings me to the next dilemma …

It would appear women have chosen to spend November doing the complete opposite challenge. With many among us taking up ‘Hoevember’. Which, according to the Urban Dictionary is “designed for women to take a vacation from meaningful relationships during the month of November”, in order to ‘sow one’s oats’, as it were.

Jana Hocking is not a fan of No Nut November. Picture: Instagram

Ooh, can’t you just hear the Andrew-Tate wannabes among us screaming outrage. How dare we women take a leaf out of the ‘player’ manuscript and enjoy a raucously strings-free good time between the bedsheets?

Yes, after a year of dating, many women find themselves a little fatigued with the whole thing. The constant swipe-rights, the never-ending first dates, the ‘so tell me about yourself’ texts.

Ergh, enough, we scream! How about a month to just let loose a little and enjoy a bit of carefree nakedness with that hot dude we’ve been checking out for a while now. You know, the one that would make for a terrible boyfriend but a decent night of orgasms.

So, you see the dilemma. Half the human species are trying to avoid getting jiggy with it, while the other half are like a pack of hounds on heat.

So can we all agree that ‘No Nut November’ is a load of rubbish and there are far better ways to focus on health then avoiding a certain body part for 30 days. Ridiculous.

I say, let those among us who are feeling particularly horny get on with their hot girl/guy summers. (Or winters, for those of you on the other side of the pond) and stop denying yourself of enjoyment.

Although I should probably mention that hoevember should come with a safety-first clause. Condoms people. You don’t want to waste this raunchy month with a nasty rash. Eek. Repeat after me, “condoms are our friends not foes”.

Sadly, I shan’t be participating because I’m still on the $2000 date rule but I jolly well hope that those who want to have a carefree month go right ahead and have a good time.

Oh, and do you want to hear the cruellest part of all … it’s also ‘Movember’ (a month where men grow sexy moustaches for the month of November for charity). **sigh I sure do appreciate a sexy moustache.

Here’s hoping the particular mo’ I’ve got my eye on isn’t taking part in No Nut November because it will be a looong and lonely month. Stay strong ladies. Stay strong.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking