Nadia Bokody: Why women are afraid of being ‘bad in bed’

It’s time to clarify what “bad sex” actually means, says sex columnist Nadia Bokody. WARNING: Graphic

I’m sitting hunched over the toilet, willing the burn to go away.

It’s the burn of bad sex; a sensation most women know well – the result of hurried, lubeless jackhammering after several fruitless “Not tonights”.

There’s a raw bolt of pain surging through my vagina. I feel desecrated and dirty, but most of all, angry.

Angry at myself for following through. For lying still and counting the paint chips loosening in the ceiling while I waited for it to be over.

It will be several years before I’ll even be able to identify how truly low I’ve set the bar – how murky the delineation between violation and “bad sex” has become in my mind.

Nadia Bokody said enduring an encounter as a way to keep the peace in a relationship was her definition of bad sex. Picture: Instagram/nadiabokody

RELATED: What women wish men would stop doing in bed

RELATED: Nadia Bokody reveals she is tired of trying being attractive

Of course, this makes total sense given no one taught me what a healthy sexual encounter was supposed to look like as a young woman.

“Bad sex” is routinely described among women as an experience including pain, coercion or feeling degraded.

And this is of note because it’s in stark contrast to the way men define it.

A viral Reddit thread started in December, now exceeding 15,000 responses, asks guys to weigh in on the question: “What are some mistakes women make during sex?”, and its contents range from comically nit-picky to alarmingly ignorant.

The sex columnist said men and women had widely differing opinions on what constitutes ‘bad sex’. Picture: Instagram/nadiabokody

In the thread, male commenters quip back and forth about the various delicacies of handjob etiquette – “When you’re giving a handjob you’re not milking a cow” – before moving on to discussing the tiresomeness of having sex with an immobile, unresponsive woman – “I call it ‘dead fish’ where she lies there not moving, not making noises, not doing anything, just staring at the ceiling,” explains one Redditer.

The disparity between gendered interpretations of “bad sex” and the lack of understanding around sexual consent among many of the unfiltered responses in this thread is a salient example of male privilege at work.

It’s also a conversation I’m not unfamiliar with as a sex writer and YouTuber with a male-dominant following.

A couple of months ago, I posted a video about female arousal to which a male subscriber publicly lamented, “I have to push sex on my wife just to get some … I am the one that does everything in bed and she just lays there until I tell her to move or do something.”

After endeavouring to explain to said commenter why sex should never be pushed or continued on a motionless participant, I reposted the comment to Twitter to use as a catalyst for discussion about the nuances of consent and coercion.

Nadia said ‘bad sex’ was routinely described by women as an experience ‘including pain, coercion or feeling degraded’. Picture: Instagram/nadiabokody

While many of the responses were predictably horrified – “How does he not feel like a rapist?” and “I feel sorry for his wife” – several men reached out to let me know they were confused as to what this husband was doing that was reprehensible.

They also asserted I was the real wrongdoer for outing his comment (despite the fact he posted it to a very public forum).

Unfortunately, this is how these discussions typically culminate; in a gender blame game as opposed to a seized opportunity for education.

One of the most common criticisms of my work as a female sex writer is that I deliberately exclude the male experience from the conversation in order to victimise women.

In reality, I simply don’t speak to the male experience because, as you may have noticed, I’m not male, nor am I a proponent of speaking on another person’s lived experience I know nothing about.

Call me crazy, but in my book, that would be unfair to men.

The sex columnist said she had come under fire for previously ‘excluding the male experience’ in order to ‘victimise women’. Picture: Instagram/nadiabokody

I also do my job in the face of men who simultaneously assert we don’t need feminism because “women already have equality” while leaving comments on my columns and social media channels calling me a “worthless sl*t” and threatening violence.

Consequently, topics like sexual consent and female pleasure have become cultural minefields fraught with defensiveness and anger.

‘WE COULD ALL BENEFIT FROM WORKING ON OUR BEDROOM TECHNIQUE’

After all, acknowledging your privilege means in turn taking accountability for how you’ve contributed to the suffering of another group of people.

That’s not a feeling even the humblest of us are comfortable sitting with.

And yet, if we fail to recognise the fundamental differences between how men and women define “bad sex”, we all lose out.

No one’s relationship or sex life wins when everyone’s busy protecting their egos.

While these type of discussions can be uncomfortable, the aim is to shake up tired ideas around sex so ultimately everyone ‘wins’. Picture: Instagram/nadiabokody

This is not to suggest women are perfect lovers. Dare I say, we could all benefit from some work on our bedroom technique (spoiler alert: communication is key).

However, it would be folly to ignore the fact that, if Reddit has anything to say, crappy sex for most guys is sex that’s boring (or a bit overzealous in the handjob department).

While this may be a travesty for some men, as long as women continue to define bad sex as including pain, and men continue to fail to see an issue with having intercourse with a woman behaving like a so-called “dead fish” – we need to focus on the female experience first.

Given, being “milked like a cow” may be mildly frustrating. It may even mean asking your Mrs to skip the handjobs till she’s got a better, er, grip of things.

But lying frozen and unresponsive during sex? Begrudgingly giving in after several “not tonights”? Running to the bathroom to hunch over the toilet in pain afterwards?

That’s not bad sex. It’s violation. And until we acknowledge it as such, sorry guys, your handjob preferences aren’t a priority.

Nadia Bokody is a freelance writer and Instagram influencer. Continue the conversation on Instagram | @nadiabokody