Nadia Bokody: Surprising act that drives women wild

Couples who regularly have good sex also do this together – and studies prove the simple act is the key to boosting libido, writes Nadia Bokody.

I was 14 when I first saw two women kiss.

Cruel Intentions had just finished playing in cinemas, and I stayed up late to watch the TV premiere after convincing my parents I was a huge Ryan Phillippe (who plays the film’s devilish lead, Sebastian) fan.

They were in the room as the infamous lip-lock scene took place, and I felt my face burn hot with shame in the knowledge I’d just witnessed something taboo.

The same-sex smooch secured a place in cinematic history – not only for its quintessential depiction of teenage horniness and then-scandalous queer female representation, but its deeply erotic nature.

Even more than two decades on, it’s hard to watch the lip gloss-glazed exchange without feeling a little flustered.

Writer and news.com.au columnist Nadia Bokody. Picture: Instagram/Nadia Bokody

Problematic as the film may be in 2021 (including incest and fetishised underage sex among its more troubling themes), the snog scene – which is shot in a park, with both actors fully clothed and not otherwise touching – stands as an ongoing testament to the underrated sensualism of kissing.

And this is particularly so for women. Research suggests most men kiss as a means ofsecuring access to sex, rather than out of an innate desire to suck face, while an extended smooch can trigger intense arousal in women.

I discovered this myself by accident when, for a couple of weeks during lockdown, my crush developed a cold sore, forcing our usual pre-coital pash to be shelved. Not only did the sex feel devoid of its usual intimacy; it was decidedly difficult for either of us – both self-professed high libido women – to get off.

Kissing is one of a woman's main turn ons, studies show. Picture: Supplied

It got me thinking – what is it about kissing, exactly, that gets us going?

Frank Sinatra infamously sung “a kiss is still a kiss” in As Time Goes By, alluding to the timelessness of love and its connection to lip-locking, and science confirms kissing really does trigger the so-called “love hormone” oxytocin, which has been linked to increased bonding and strengthened monogamy.

In fact, frequent kissing is associated with greater relationship satisfaction and longevity. A 2013 study by Oxford University even found it bears more weight in terms of our happiness when we’re coupled up than sex does.

And if you want more sex, you should definitely neck it on the reg – especially if you’re partnered with a woman.

The easiest way to boost your sex live is to kiss your partner intimately. Picture: iStock

Kissing is so integral to female desire, evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup went as far as to suggest it may play a role in influencing our sex drives.

“In saliva exchange — whether that’s over weeks or months or even years — trace amounts of testosterone in male saliva could raise testosterone levels in the female and therefore increase her receptivity and her libido,” Gallup told Time.

Whether Gallup’s theory holds water or not, kissing is definitely essential when you’re about to do the deed. A survey published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology found just 10 per cent of women would consider getting into bed with a partner who hadn’t passionately kissed them first.

But here’s the real clincher: roughly one in five married couples go up to a week without kissing, while nearly half kiss for just five seconds or less when they do lock lips.

It shouldn’t come as any surprise then, sex dies off for so many of us in long-term relationships.

After all, if making out is the sexual aperitif to the main course of nookie for roughly 90 per cent of women, and most of us are forgoing it for lengthy periods, sexlessness is an inevitability.

The good news though, is simply integrating kissing (the deep, extended kind – not the peck on the cheek you give your nana kind) back into your relationship can not only up your chances of getting it on more often, it’s also likely to improve the overall quality of your relationship.

Incidentally, even the simple act of watching a good kiss might be enough to put you in the mood.

That pash scene in Cruel Intentions still gets me flustered, though I’ve come to terms with the fact that’s probably because I wanted to be one of the women in it, not because I actually liked Ryan Phillippe (sorry, Mum).

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