Nadia Bokody: Disturbing ‘sex trend’ that could become illegal in Australia

A disturbing “sex trend” born in the dark corners of the internet now affects 1 in 3 women – but the practice shouldn’t be growing says Nadia Bokody.

“The lights were off, but I knew straight away there was no condom,” Mel tells me.

Mel is one of a growing number of women who’ve been victims of a so-called sex trend known as “stealthing” – an act involving removing a condom during sex without a partner’s consent or, often, their knowledge.

It’s a practice that affects both men and women, though women are disproportionately targets of it. One in three women and one in five men who have sex with men report being stealthed during sex, according to a 2018 study by Melbourne Sexual Health Centre.

The term is thought to have originated in the darker corners of the internet, on online forums and niche blogs.

And while it’s now immortalised on Urban Dictionary and is frequently referred to as a “trend”, stealthing is, in its essence, sexual assault. It doesn’t just put a sexual partner at risk of STIs and unwanted pregnancy – it blatantly violates their consent.

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Nadia Bokody explains the grown ‘sex trend’ known as stealthing and what it actually means. Picture: Nadia Bokody/Instagram

Proponents like the male caller who confessed to stealthing most of his sexual partners on a 2017 episode of Triple J’s Hack, argue they do it because it “feels better”, but the emphasis on going unprotected without a partner’s knowledge suggests stealthing is really about control.

“I would never have agreed to have sex with him without a condom. He took my choice away from me. He didn’t care about my future, he didn’t care about my health, and he didn’t care about respecting me,” says Sarah, another woman I spoke to whose Tinder date removed a condom without asking.

When I conducted an informal call-out on Instagram for women who’d experienced stealthing, I was inundated with stories just like this.

Another woman, Christine, told me her experience left her blaming herself for months afterwards.

“He had ejaculated and then I knew it was off, as I could feel it. I pushed him off me and said, ‘Where’s the condom?!’ and he responded, ‘Why are you being so uptight?’ I don’t think I really processed what had happened to me for quite some time, as I felt it was my fault.”

The covert nature of the act means victims have historically remained quiet about it, and it’s been largely ignored in the collective discussion on consent. But shows like HBO’s I May Destroy You, which explore the grey areas of sexual assault, have helped push it into public discourse.

In one episode of the series, which follows Arabella, we see a man non-consensually remove a condom while the two have sex. When Arabella discovers the missing condom afterwards, a scenario familiar to many women ensues – he quickly gaslights her and claims she was a willing participant.

The act involves the male removing the condom without the woman’s knowledge or consent. Picture: Nadia Bokody/Instagram

However, in spite of greater awareness of the practice, stealthing isn’t recognised as a distinct offence in the legal system. It isn’t prohibited in Australia – though it can classify as a breach of consent under state laws, which, if proven, may mean it carries a penalty involving jail time. And knowingly transmitting an STD is an offence in itself.

Unfortunately, current legislation around sexual consent provides large loopholes for perpetrators, including the bizarre stipulation a person isn’t guilty of rape if they hold an honest belief the other person consented, even if that belief isn’t reasonable.

The onus on female victims to consistently clarify the meaning behind their actions, and distinct lack of responsibility on men to establish consent, makes sexual assault a legal minefield in which the vast majority of perpetrators dodge prosecution. As it stands, just 6.5 per cent of sexual assault cases result in a conviction for the original offence charged in Australia, as well as across the US, Canada, England, Wales and Scotland.

Though there is a push for change, particularly in terms of creating greater clarity around what constitutes consent. A proposed bill in California is currently seeking to recognise stealthing as a crime punishable by law.

If passed, AB 453 would amend the definition of sexual battery to include a person “who causes contact between a penis, from which a condom has been removed, and the intimate part of another who did not verbally consent to the condom being removed”.

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In California, a new bill has been proposed that could see stealthing criminalised. Picture: Instagram

This is really significant, because it fills in some of the gaps missing from the way we talk about sexual assault – crucially, it underlines the need for verbal consent and shifts responsibility back onto the male participant, something Mel says could have made a real difference in her situation.

“As time has passed since that night, I’ve found myself feeling more and more angry that this happens to women like me, and that our legal system allows men feel entitled to do whatever they want with our bodies. We need better education and laws about what consent means.”

Less ambiguity around what consent looks like, and legislation that acknowledges the fact a lack of physical or verbal resistance isn’t a green light for sex, would also help pave the way for a justice system that actually delivers justice for survivors of sexual assault.

More so, if passed, California’s proposed anti-stealthing bill could act as an example for the rest of the world on how to better tackle the nuances of the sexual contract and make it so stories like Mel’s needn’t have to keep being told.

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