Nadia Bokody, a feminist, on why she keeps watching porn

It’s a problematic industry that’s been labelled anti-feminist and “forbidden” — but there’s a reason why women keep on watching porn.

When I was 12, I found one of my dad’s old Playboy magazines inconspicuously sandwiched between a stack of accounting books and junk mail.

It was my first encounter with porn, and from then on, I was hooked.

The women sprawled across its glossy pages, with wet lips and wide, incandescent eyes, introduced me to a strange, urgent throb between my thighs. I spent hours poring over every naked curve and crease, creating forbidden fantasies of their bodies in delicious, erotic motion.

At 22, after my boyfriend left his laptop ajar on our bed, I opened an innocuous folder and tumbled down a rabbit hole of videos that simultaneously terrified and excited me.

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Writer and sex expert Nadia Bokody. Picture: Instagram

In part, I was repulsed. How could he be into this stuff? Did this mean he wanted to do the things the men on his laptop were doing?

But a larger part of me yearned for more.

I began returning to the videos after he left for work each morning, bringing myself to climax with increasing ease. Eventually growing bored of the limited repertoire, I ventured online, acquainting myself with terms like “MMF”, “Milf” and “Bondage” – and of scenes that involved dozens of men and a single woman.

The older I got, the more conflicted I became about my habit.

How could I, someone who now identified as a feminist, who’d spoken out against sexual harassment and unwanted objectification, continue watching in good conscience? What did my enjoyment of scenes depicting women in various states of degradation say about me?

It’s a philosophical crisis many women find themselves facing. Because, despite the stigma attached to female masturbation, most of us do it. In fact, data collected by Pornhub shows we spend more time watching porn than men (one minute and 14 seconds longer, to be exact) and are vastly more likely to search for terms like “Hardcore” and “rough sex”.

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Data from Pornhub shows women spend more time watching porn than men. Picture: Ethan Miller/GETTY IMAGES NORTH AMERICA/AFP

So, are we betraying the fight for gender equality in the process?

The answer isn’t as clear-cut as you might think.

While there’s plenty of argument hardcore porn begets real-life sexual violence, the research is pretty inconclusive. Some of the most significant studies into the issue actually indicate the reverse.

Take, for example, a study in Czechia that observed sex crime rates for 15 years during a porn ban, and 18 years after it was lifted. Notably, it found a marked drop in reports of child sex offences directly after pornography became readily accessible. It’s a not entirely uncommon phenomenon attributed to the theory porn provides potential offenders an outlet to safely explore their fantasies, thereby reducing the need to enact them.

And though porn has historically been slated for promoting sexist attitudes to women, surveys of users are yet to find a convincing correlation. One such survey, which included over 25,000 participants, found porn users were more likely to express support for women in politics, women working outside the home, and women‘s reproductive rights.

Obviously we don’t have all the answers, but it’s plausible our problem with porn is a moral, rather than a factual, issue.

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Nadia believes our issues with porn are moral, not factual. Picture: Instagram

There are of course feminists who argue otherwise – that the proliferation of pornography has set the women’s movement back decades, and in turn enslaved women into sex work. But this ideology ignores the sexual liberation and financial autonomy the adult film industry has facilitated for so many women. It also oversimplifies the issue, rather than acknowledging the fact the adult industry – much like any other industry – is complex and multifaceted.

Does porn always get it right? Of course not. Are there bad eggs in the industry? Indisputably. The eruption of ethical porn (that is: porn created consensually, that performers and paid fairly for, and with less of a focus on the male gaze) is a testament to the fact audiences want more diversity and equity in their porn.

Even the laws aimed at protecting women from sex trafficking are not without flaws. FOSTA – the Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act – which was passed in the US in 2018, is one such law that’s had disastrous ramifications for sex workers while doing little to get to the heart of tackling trafficking. It resulted in the take-down of online spaces once reserved for sex workers to safely vet clients, advertise services and monetise content, rendering many unemployed or performing their jobs in risky conditions.

Nadia writes that our issue lies with the fact that we can’t accept women can be sexual and powerful at the same time. Picture: Instagram

Our cultural refusal to talk about sex – and in turn, sex work – in a meaningful way, hasn’t helped make women safer or afforded us greater parity. It’s just bred more shame. And that’s really at the root of why so many women grapple with what they watch online.

It took well into my thirties to learn the reason I felt conflicted about my porn habit wasn’t because I’d watched the degradation of another woman. It was because I’d been taught women couldn’t be sexual and powerful at the same time; that to witness women having sex on screen, was to witness shame.

In truth, there are few things more powerful than a woman who’s unafraid to be sexual in a world that so often attempts to silence our desire. I actually can’t think of anything more feminist than that.

Follow Nadia Bokody on Instagram and YouTube for more sex, relationship and mental health tips.