Is your mother-in-law ruining your life?

A NEW study has confirmed your relationship with your mother-in-law is either supportive and friendly, or marred by jealousy and criticism.

Mother in law

HOW can you make the best of your relationship with your mother in law?

A new study has confirmed what many women already know: your relationship with your mother-in-law is either supportive and friendly, or marred by jealousy and criticism.

Dr Terri Apter, a psychologist at the University of Cambridge, found nearly two-thirds of daughters-inlaw believe their partner's mother is guilty of "unreasonably jealous maternal love".

More: 5 ways to manage your mum-in-law

About half the women in her study described the mother-in-law-daughter in-law relationship as "hostile" or "difficult".

About 55 per cent of older women felt "tense, uneasy and uncomfortable" with their daughter-in-law and about two-thirds felt excluded by her. We've looked at how to handle the "other woman".

Lack of recognition

Your mother-in-law feels you ignore her contribution. You feel that nothing you do is good enough in her eyes.

"Tension can commonly centre on your mother-in-law's failure to recognise or validate aspects of your identity that you value," Dr Apter says.

"For example, your mother-in-law may show preference for her son's career and expect you to sacrifice your career. You feel angry that she doesn't recognise what you've achieved in your working life."

Solution: "Your mother-in-law might not understand what it's like to balance a career, raise great kids and be a good lover," says Ingrid Sturmey, counselling practice leader at Relationships Australia in Victoria.

"At the same time, you may find it hard to imagine what it's like to be an older woman, to go through menopause, and to see your skin lose its beauty. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and you may become more tolerant."

Abandonment

Your mother-in-law was probably the most influential woman in your partner's life. She may find losing her influence difficult to accept.

"Or your mother-in-law may be worried about whether her son will look after her and whether she'll be left on her own," Sturmey says. "But you can feel abandoned if you believe your husband is prioritising his mother over you," she says.

Solution: "When your husband says he's going to see his mother, don't overreact. Ask yourself, "Am I always abandoned or does he often choose me?" Sturmey says.

"With your partner, work out how you can give your mother-in-law some attention - and then say, "Now it's my turn." Make it clear you'll give her recognition and attention, but you expect the same back. Deny her attention and you'll make her fight harder for it."

More: 10 anxiety busters

Intrusion

As you settle down for a quiet Sunday afternoon with your partner, his mother calls. "She may make her son feel guilty by saying she doesn't feel involved in his life anymore," Sturmey says.

"If your partner responds to those calls and is spending more of his time with his mother, you need to talk. Tell him that you don't feel you're getting enough of his time and that you feel his mother is being intrusive in your life."

Solution: Your mother-in-law may become angry or dramatic when she is told to stop calling late at night, or when she is asked to stop "dropping in" unexpectedly, Sturmey says.

But stick to your boundaries.

"When you are setting boundaries it's important to keep a balance," she adds. "Let the person know they are valued. So tell your mother-in-law you know it's important for her to feel included and that it's fine for her to ring or visit at certain times, but you need private time with your partner."

Between the lines

It's easy to jump to conclusions and to assume that every comment your mother-in-law directs towards you is critical. In her study, Dr Apter says mothers-in-law often felt their daughters-in-law misjudged their attempts to build a relationship.

"They said their daughter-in-law often greeted efforts to forge a friendship with coldness and complained of a general atmosphere of hostility," Dr Apter says.

Solution: "One of the secrets of making a relationship last and not feeling negative about someone is to keep seeing the positive things they do and say," Sturmey says.

"So, as often as possible, first interpret what your mother-in-law says in a positive or neutral light. Don't automatically see everything she says as negative or as a criticism, because it may not be meant that way."

Dr Apter believes your partner should demonstrate to his mother that he values you so she is less able to make unkind comments about you.

"Encourage your partner to speak about you to his mother with pleasure and pride and to make it clear that behind-theback criticism is unacceptable," she says.

Reap the benefits

Sturmey says competition and criticism mean both women lose. "You are in a good position to be each other's nurturer," she says.

"Your mother-in-law can become an ally. She may help look after the children if you have to work back late. Don't take that for granted, though.

"Make a fuss of her so she knows she is appreciated. This relationship can be wonderful if you are prepared to work at it."