How Woolies and Kmart could help your dating life

There’s an unexpected reason why you should be heading down to Woolworths at 3pm – and it could change your life.

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Where do you meet someone without having to deal with dating apps?

In our download and swipe times, the idea of meeting anyone out in the wild feels almost old-fashioned.

How will I know if I like him if I haven’t seen a photo of him holding a fish?

Often, single people are given vague, unhelpful advice for finding a life partner – things like: “Why don’t you just go out more?” – as if by leaving your house you’ll be swamped with suitors.

In reality, you’re more likely to be stopped on the street by someone trying to steal your wallet than a decent man.

But don’t fret. There are ways to meet people IRL.

Here is your ultimate guide to finding a date in the real world (with absolutely no guarantee of success). Meet the love of your life, or perhaps get rejected publicly. It’s hard to say.

Woolworths at 3pm on a weekday

This is prime time to nab a partner if you want that partner to be a tradie. While everyone else is stupidly stuck at their desks, you need to be roaming the supermarket aisles. Use your annual leave if you have to.

This is your moment to meet eligible men and perhaps bond over a shared love of full cream milk, or let’s face it, if you are dating a tradie, energy drinks.

Think about it, though. No one is really around and you can swan down looking fabulous.

Remember when Rhianna sang, “We found love in a hopeless place”?

Well, she’s talking about loitering by the frozen section at the supermarket, hoping a builder catches your eye.

Want a tradie? Grab a trolley. Picture: David Crosling

The supermarket is a prime place to fall in love.

Local parks at 11am on a Saturday

It is about going at the right time.

If you go to a park too early in the morning, you’ll be surrounded by young families trying to entertain their lovely but ultimately feral children.

Mid-morning is prime time because that’s when the hot single people emerge, still slightly hungover from their Friday night drinks.

You need to be there, looking like a gorgeous, refreshed cousin of Pip Edwards. (Just remember you aren’t looking for a Michael Clarke type.)

So how do you stop and start chatting with these eligible bachelors? Well, I’d recommend falling over.

If they come to help you back up, they are objectively a lovely person – and what a romantic comedy-worthy “meet cute”.

If you have no luck, at least you got some fresh air. Plus, a park bench is an excellent place to swipe mindlessly on dating apps.

Channel your inner Pip Edwards at the park. Picture: Instagram

Also channel your inner Pip Edwards at the gym. Picture: Instagram

The gym at 6pm

If someone is at the gym at 6pm, that usually means they don’t have to run home to a family or a partner. (OK, they might still have a partner, so proceed with caution.)

This is when you need to be swanning around with your eyes wide open.

I think trying to talk to someone when they are in the middle of working out can quickly venture into creepy territory, so you’re best to loiter around the entrance and pretend to drop something to see if they help you pick it up.

I’d recommend doing this before your workout. I know some people look gorgeous when sweaty but I just look like I have a very bad flu and am in the highly contagious stage.

Otherwise if you really want to meet men at the gym, just loudly complain you are confused by how to use the equipment and half a dozen will pop up to tell you.

If there’s one thing men love, it is explaining basic things to women.

Want a date? You may need a dog. Picture: Sarah Stier/Getty Images for Westminster Kennel Club

4. You need to buy a dog (or borrow one)

Please don’t get mad at me! I’m giving you genuine advice. Owning a dog opens up a whole new social circle, and you become one of those people who goes to dog parks and starts talking to other dog owners.

Also, the people who own dogs are well-known to be slightly affluent Millennials: They earn enough money to pay a vet bill, which is a good sign in this economy.

Plus, you get a dog out of it! Maybe you won’t find someone to love you, but your new puppy will be devoted.

5. Hang out in the Kmart men’s workwear section

The great thing about this is you can go at anytime. There’s bound to be at least one man wandering around looking for clothes day and night.

This is great news because, if nothing else, it means he has a job. Now you just have to strike up a conversation.

You will obviously need an incredible backstory to explain why you are there. Channel Meryl Streep – wearing Anko.

I’d suggest saying you’re buying some work clothes for your brother/dad/housemate before asking his opinion on men’s sizing. Sparks will fly and you’ll have secured a man with superannuation!

If that fails, you can cheer yourself up with a $3 face mask on the way out.