The five types of friends you need to cull immediately

NOW is the perfect time for a friendship cull. Just like on Facebook, but in real life. These are the five friends you need to avoid this year.

Five types of friends you need to cull

TO QUOTE the great American writer Elbert Hubbard “a friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you”.

And how right old mate Elbert was. The man was onto something, because the ability to share not just the highs, but the lows too is what friendship is all about. Friendships enrich our lives and scientifically make us happier.

So with all this in mind, surely the more pals the better right?

Wrong. Because when it comes to besties, it’s all about quality, not quantity. So how do you to determine the perfect amount in your posse? Easy, you need a friendship cull. Just like on Facebook, but this time it’s real life. And to get you cracking, here are the five friends you need to avoid this year (for your own sake) —

1. THE ‘ONLY IF IT’S CONVENIENT FOR ME’ FRIEND

We’ve all had ‘em, probably without even realising it because this so-called friend is extremely talented in disguising their own needs as servicing you both, but don’t be fooled, they’re only thinking about one person in every situation … and it’s not you. This mate expects all elements of your relationship to work to their schedule. The place, date and time of all catchups must be suited to their needs. Plus any communication from their end, will only be at a moment in time that’s convenient for them ie. not when you actually need it! The moment a touch of effort needs to be exerted to keep the friendship flames alive, you’d better believe they’ll be ‘way too busy’ but ‘miss you’ all the same.

2. THE ‘I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER WHY WE’RE FRIENDS’ FRIEND

Are you friends with some people just because you have history?

You know the ones, those people you’ve known since you were a kid, or were high-school besties with, but now the entire friendship is based on the past. We all grow into ourselves over time, which means things can get awkies when you realise you’re totally different people with absolutely nothing in common. You need to think carefully about why you’ve decided to surround yourself with people — do they make you laugh? Are they your rock? Or is it just because you’ve known each other for a long time? It’s time to ask yourself if that’s really reason enough.

3. THE FLAKER

This is the friend that posts on social media all week about ‘how excited’ they are to catch up. There may even be the odd ‘it’s been too long’ text in the lead up to the event and several tags in cheesy Instagram quotes about the true meaning of friendship with the hashtag #MissYou. Yet moments before, they cancel on you. In the worst way possible — via text with some long winded, nonsensical excuse that involves their hectic week of work, their sick dog and/or the family function they conveniently forgot about. A pattern emerges as their ‘I miss you’ texts start again ahead of the next catch up that they end up cancelling again anyway. The only reliable thing about this mate is how unreliable they are. But they’ll continue to post #ThrowbackThursday pictures of years ago when you actually physically saw them regardless.

4. THE ‘ONLY WHEN I’M SINGLE FRIEND’

The one you become ‘joint at the hip’ with the moment you’re back on the market. You basically do everything together with this mate. Talk to each other about partying, get ready to party together, partying, getting food when you’re hungover after partying, planning the next time you’ll party ... OK, so maybe you have less in common than first thought. Actually you have nothing in common with this person. Nothing. Come to think of it, you hardly even actually know them because every time you’re together the music is so loud you don’t talk to each other (apart from asking each other ‘another drink?’) As soon as you find happiness with a new partner, they fall off the face of the earth and seem unhappy that you’re now happy. Every now and then you wonder what they’ve been up to lately … most likely partying?

5. THE USER
Friendship is a two-way street, but this mate is disobeying all traffic signals. An easy way to identify the ‘user’ is the ‘call and dump’ whereby they call, dump their problems on you, then hang up. There’s no conversation, no back and forth no ‘so how’ve you been anyway?’ Every interaction with this friend is working through their issues, how they feel about things, dissecting their news without a single question about where you’re at. This person uses your friendship, but only when required ie. getting you to accompany them to a work drinks so they don’t arrive alone then deserting you at the first sight of a recognisable face.