Worst dating text messages psychologists see

In the dating world, if you ever needed help to work out what a confusing text message meant, then we have the answer.

A new service is providing free advice from psychologists to help decipher your most confusing text messages – but it’s for one week only.

Since the dawn of time (I assume), humans have been trying to interpret the smallest of actions to work out if someone they’re interested in is interested back. In the modern age, most of those actions happen via text.

Mostly, text messages from our dates are deciphered in depth within our friend group chats, but this week Amaysim has set up a group of professional psychologists to share their opinions for free via SMS.

“We all love the convenience of not having to dial a number to talk to someone, but often the message we are wanting to convey can become lost in translation or hard to decrypt when texting,” explained psychologist and lead ‘textpert’, Sabina Read.

“With message becoming one of the most popular types of communication it’s important to be aware of the potential confusion and impact this can cause,” she said.

While the questions can be about any text you want, we’ve asked Ms Read to interpret the most common dating texts she’s seen – ones that most of us have probably experienced ourselves.

The ‘you up’ text

You can’t always make assumptions about the classic ‘you up’ text. Picture: Instagram/@textsfromyourex

“It really depends on what the relationship is, but if it’s very early days, then let me break it down this way: Behind every text, we are bidding for one another’s attention, validation, understanding and connection,” Ms Read said.

A ‘you up’ text is something we want to understand what they mean. Is this asking to hook up? Or is this, ‘Are you up because I’m feeling lonely and I want to connect’? Or is it, ‘You up, I’m thinking about you and I didn’t know how to say that’?

“You never have to respond in the moment, so think about whether it’s the right time – but then you can just ask, ‘What were you looking for?’

“Take your time to think about what you also want to say, and what you want from them before you ask.”

The sex ‘joke’ opening line

When someone shows you what they’re looking for, believe them. Picture: Instagram/@tindernightmares

“This sends a clear message, so if that’s not what you’re looking then now you know it. You can complain to a friend, but they’ve given you a message,” Ms Read said.

“Sometimes humans are just looking for physical connection, and that’s all two people are looking for, it’s a match. It’s just about aligning values.”

The ‘we’re not exclusive’ text

“If this text is ever a surprise to you, there’s been a communication breakdown. If you’ve seen them a few times at least, you would hope that you would have had some kind of conversation about what you’re looking for,” Ms Read said.

“If it is early on, then I think it’s valid because they’re explaining from the get-go that they don’t want any commitment – it’s helpful and appropriate to share that at the beginning of dating.

“Never assume, in any relationship. We’re not mind readers, so be honest.”

And no, Ms Read doesn’t think you’re likely to ever change someone’s mind if they’ve told you they just want something casual.

“At the end of the day in a relationship, do you want someone who’s with you because you’ve got a gun to their head – or do you want a relationship with someone who’s curious about how you think and feel, and they want to share with you?”

The ‘I miss you’ text from an ex

You can’t always trust the ‘I miss you’ text from an ex. Picture: Instagram/@textsfromyourex

“If you’ve been broken up for some time, without any contact and it’s the first time they’ve reached out to say they miss you, that sounds like quite a genuine bid for reconnection,” she said.

“But if this happens every Friday night, then the week returns to normal and you don’t hear from them, then they’re not actually looking for an exploration into further commitment or to work through what went wrong.”

The short reply text

If you have a lot to say, don’t put it all in text. Picture: Instagram/@textsfromyourex

“Let’s just remember that texting for some people is an extension of our personality and communication style – but not for everybody,” Ms Read said.

Is it that they don’t want to give you much in any context, or that they just don’t converse in a meaningful way via text?

“Have a conversation about it. Tell them you’ve noticed they don’t say much on text, and if they prefer to communicate in person. Or find it out for yourself – if you’re out to dinner and their answers are still just “nah”, “yep”, then you’ve got more data collected to know that this person might not match your needs.”

The over-explainer text

Use text a conversation starter, not an essay. Picture: Instagram/@textsfromyourex

“Don’t over-explain yourself in a text,” Ms Read said. “Sometimes if we feel hurt, slighted or confused we launch into this whole verbose explanation or descriptions – and I don’t think text is the right place for that.

“If you feel like you need a deeper conversation, then the best thing to text is just, ‘I’m really struggling with what’s just happened’, or, ‘I’ve been thinking about what you just said’, and then ask to make a time to get together. So you’re using it as a bridging method, not the main form of communication.”

The insult masquerading as a ‘joke’ text

It’s rarely a good sign when someone uses insults as a ‘joke’. Picture: Instagram/@tindernightmares

“No amount of ‘haha’ or ‘lol’ing undoes what you’ve just said. It’s not OK to say something negative or insulting and follow it up with laughing – it doesn’t erase the harsh words you’ve just texted.”

Break-up text etiquette

First of all, if you’re in any kind of regular or established relationship with someone, texting to break up is a big no-no.

If, however, you’ve just started getting to know someone and you realise it’s not going anywhere, there’s a right and wrong way to let someone know that in text.

“I think the worst break-up texts are those that aren’t authentic,” Ms Read said. “There’s the old, ‘It’s me, not you’ and ‘We can still be friends’ – all of those just don’t land because they’re so clichéd. To receive a blunt, cliche or unauthentic message really stings.

“I think what we need to do instead is to keep it succinct and honest. Humour is your best friend as well, as long as it’s used sensitively.

“It was great meeting you and thanks for sharing part of your dating journey with me – so there’s some empathy and shared experience there – then just say that you don’t think it’s a match.

“It’s the golden rule of life, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Where to send your confusing texts

You can shoot your mixed messages to the textperts at 0400 167 167 from now until Sunday, September 11, from 6pm to 9pm weekdays and 11am to 2pm on the weekend.