Women prefer men who go to therapy, new Hinge data finds

New data from popular dating app Hinge has revealed the one act that makes you more likely to get a second date.

If you found yourself on Twitter last month after Elon Musk announced he’d secured a deal to buy the social media platform for $US44 billion ($A61.4 billion), you might have seen the latest iteration of one meme-able phrase doing the rounds: “Men will literally [insert action] instead of going to therapy.”

In the case of the world’s richest man, the “action” was some version of “buy a $44 billion dollar app”.

Past versions of the sentence have joked that men “will literally spend two decades trying to colonise Mars” (another Musk reference); “invent Facebook”; “dress up like a bat and fight criminals and costumed villains by night” or “watch hours of James Gandolfini going to therapy” instead of talking to a trained mental health professional themselves.

The phrase, which has gained traction over the past two years, is a signal of how much of a “deal breaker” a partner who attends therapy has become in modern dating.

Take, for example, recent data from popular dating app Hinge, which found that 86 per cent of singles were more likely to go on a second date with someone who, on the first date, mentioned they saw a therapist, and 97 per cent would prefer to date someone who actively takes care of their mental health.

A person who goes to therapy is seen as hot property. Picture: TikTok

Singles ‘want to find someone who has done the work’. Picture: TikTok

While only 7 per cent feel comfortable bringing up therapy on the first date, as a result of the findings the app is introducing “self-care prompts” to encourage users to be more candid about their mental health.

The prompts allow singles to finish sentences like “therapy recently taught me …”, “I feel more supported when …” and “my self-care routine is …” and add them to their profile.

Hinge’s director of relationship science Logan Ury told The Oz priorities have changed over the last two years.

“We’ve found that Hinge singles have learned to take their mental health more seriously, which for many means seeking out therapy,” she said.

“Singles who are prioritising more meaningful connections now want to find someone who has ‘done the work’ and is ready to connect in a deeper, more authentic way.”

The theory is that a man who has seen (or is seeing) a therapist is more emotionally open, more willing to communicate, and not so steeped in the culture of toxic masculinity that he sees therapy as a weakness.

Twitter user @KittyDeww summed up the supposedly elevated attractiveness of the act when she wrote on the platform that society’s enduring, somewhat unexplainable lust for Saturday Night Live’sPete Davidson could be because he’d seen a psychologist, not his BDE.

“Why don’t I see people taking the angle of PETE DAVIDSON HAS GONE TO THERAPY!” she tweeted.

“Men who have been to therapy are hotter than men who haven’t? Duh?”

Why don't I see people taking the angle of PETE DAVIDSON HAS GONE TO THERAPY !! Men who have been to therapy are hotter than men who haven't?? Duh?

— deww baby (@KittyDeww) November 27, 2021

Co-host of the podcast How To Cope, Lucy Clyde, told Grazia earlier this year that the emphasis on men seeking therapy could be because, historically, they’re taught to repress their emotions.

“I do think that men tend not to have the kinds of friendships that allow them to be safely emotionally vulnerable, in a way that some women seem to have,” the accredited psychotherapist and counsellor said.

“What that can mean is that men bring all their emotional needs to their partners, which is too much for one person to hold, resulting in mutual frustrations.”

Not everyone’s on board with the meme’s efficacy though.

In a piece last year for Mel magazine, Miles Klee wrote: “If you really want to get men to therapy, it could be counter-productive to tell them they’re naturally disposed to reject the option.

“Especially when they want to go but can’t for one or more of the countless reasons that keep those in need from necessary mental health services,” he said.

“Turning that crisis into a gender-essentialist trope helps nobody, and surely not the boys who remain silent under repressive notions of masculinity, or finally reach out to find that the system is unable to render the appropriate aid.”

Men will literally buy a $43 billion dollars app rather than go to therapy.

— Elliot Lepers ✌️ (@ElliotLepers) April 27, 2022

Men will literally institute a misogynist police state based on violent religious extremism rather than go to therapy. #abortionrights#Terrorist

— Laurie Penny (@PennyRed) May 17, 2022

men will literally dig a hole at the beach instead of going to therapy

— uncanny valley ranch (@DecentVibesOnly) May 15, 2022

It can also be daunting to share that information about yourself on an early date, Ms Ury said.

“Many of us are afraid to be open about what’s really going on for us,” she said.

“However, when we share from a deeper place, people feel more drawn to us and more comfortable about their own imperfections.

“It actually attracts people to us – instead of pushing them away, like we fear.”

But, it’s important not to “overshare”.

“Sharing your story doesn’t mean reading a 10-page rundown from your last therapy session, or giving your date every detail of your self-care routine,” she said.

“First dates are all about getting to know each other as you chat about different topics. They’re a great opportunity to casually mention that you’re working on yourself.”

She suggested saying: “I’m really prioritising my mental health right now. I’m lucky enough to have found a great therapist and I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress.”