‘When an affair isn’t the worst way to start a relationship’

It’s easy to judge anyone that has an affair but this non-traditional way of starting a relationship has its upsides, says Jana Hocking.

Controversial opinion: There is not one single couple in this entire world who is in a ‘normal’ relationship.

Seriously, take a good look at your friendship groups. Sure, John and Sarah seem pretty normal, but dig a little deeper and they’ve had their own fair share of drama or kinky interests.

After I wrote about the surge in singletons asking for ethical non monogamous (ENM) relationships on dating apps these days, my DMs were inundated with ‘normal’ looking people telling me about their own experiences being in an ethically non-monogamous relationships. We’re talking teachers, doctors, builders …

I further came to this realisation on Sunday morning when I was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram and came across a quote from one of my fave social psychologists, Todd Baratz, (because who doesn’t want their therapy in bite size pieces!).

He was reflecting on what a ‘traditional’ relationship is, and why we need to delete it from our brains.

“We’ve all internalised values around a traditional path towards relationships. Meet – spark – date – relationship – move in – marriage – and children.

“Feel free to be the creator of your own relational stories. Break the rules and cultivate a relationship trajectory that works best for you.”

I mentally did a fist pump in the air and thought: “Death to traditional relationships!”

Mostly because the thought of my dating timeline fitting in to any kind of conformed structure puts me to sleep, and also because it gets rid of the pressure on the singletons among us who feel like they are ‘lacking’ in any sense if they haven’t followed this well-trodden path of ‘meet, date, marriage, babies, death.’ Blah blah blah.

The quote stuck with me for quite a while and I had a good ol’ ponder about all my friends who are in relationships. I realised that barely any of them followed the traditional path to luurve.

In fact, two of my friends got together in the midst of an affair and, scandal aside, praise be that they did because they truly are soulmates. (You can direct your hate mail to @jana_hocking …)

Sure, you mention the word “affair” and it sends a shiver up the spine of any mere mortal, but sometimes life … fate … whatever you want to call it, works in mysterious ways. Both were in loveless marriages and trust me when I say there is far more to the story.

Non-traditional relationships don’t always have fairytale beginnings says Jana. Picture: Instagram.

Another friend went on her first trip overseas with me a couple of years ago. She hails from a small country town and married young. As soon as we hopped off the plane in London, it was like her whole world opened up. She experienced a cosmopolitan city that never sleeps, culture that she was eager to know more about, and people who thought differently to those she had hung out with at home.

Little did I know that trip would change her forever. She ended up coming home, ending her marriage – because he was perfectly happy living in their small town, and she was now feeling claustrophobic – hopping on the first plane back to London, and is now happily unmarried to the love of her life with two children living in London. (Yes, living very happily in sin).

Sure, those two examples are extreme, but then you have the couples who appear ‘traditional’ on the outside, but are far from so. One of my best friends just had a child with a wonderful man who was sadly widowed in his late twenties, she is now also stepmum to his first daughter.

They are perfect together, but in a traditional sense, their family is outside the norm.

So what exactly is normal these days, because I am struggling to find a couple that fits the criteria. And you know what … isn’t life glorious without the definition!

Go forth and take up every opportunity love throws at you, because it sure makes for an interesting biography.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking